Saturday, February 28, 2009

Today is a better day!

This is a much more optimistic post, I promise! There is nothing like spending an hour with a crazy but fun German Drill Sargent, followed by a not so easy 3 mile run with your husband, to put you in a good mood. I feel so much better today than I did last night! Thanks for your kind comments - they mean a great deal to me.

To make things even better, I don't have to work today! AND I am getting more lemons! Wheee! What will I make tonight? Not sure yet, but I promise to blog more lemon extravaganza. Maybe I will make a lemon orzo salad this time. I guess I better get on Epicurious!

I am also doing really good so far this week with WW. I have been to the gym twice and run once, and I have stayed within my points for two whole days! First time this time around, so I am hoping for a major change in my weight loss efforts.

I <3<3<3<3 Today. Heh, I am sounding a little bi-polar. LOL

Friday, February 27, 2009

Tonight I feel

Totally and completely inadequate. We spent the evening with my IL's and they spent a good amount of time talking about H's brother and his wife. My SIL. The tall blonde one with a great tan. The one that eats and drinks everything, doesn't work out, but is still thin. The one with a fab job and makes over three times as much as I do. The one that is now pregnant.

I really do feel lost and unhappy. I don't want to spend any more time with them because it just makes me feel worse. I don't understand why life is such that I see my IL's at least once a month, and my mother lives 1000 miles away.

I feel like I can't do anything right. I can't find a successful job. I can't get pregnant. I struggle to lose weight. H doesn't understand. I don't understand myself. Bitter, party of one.

Three weeks on WW

Last night was my third weigh in with WW (this time around at least):

Previous Weight: 177.8
Current Weight: 177.6
Lost this week: 0.2
Total lost: 1.8

This was not a good week, and to be perfectly honest, I am THRILLED to have lost anything at all. As if WW could read minds, this week's theme in my materials is Habits of Successful Members. The one I need the most help with is managing my feelings. This week, with its ups and downs, proved it. I swear, I only eat healthy when I am mediocre, because if I'm happy, I eat, and if I'm sad, I eat. FFS! I also know from watching the Biggest Loser is that the people who don't actually figure out why they overeat and how to manage the reason, end up gaining all the weight back and then some. I don't want this.

A few of us talked about it before the meeting started last night. It's almost like there is a switch in my brain where I no longer care. I don't feel guilty as far as I can tell, I just no longer care. The comfort of food, the pleasure of food - it's all the same. I mentioned this to my fellow meeting goers and they understood.

So I am going to try to manage my feelings this week, as well as continue to track. Even if I don't know the points, I am going to write it down. I cannot let myself get overwhelmed with everything else going on in my life and give up what I want, which is a healthy weight and lifestyle.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Lemon Extravaganza!

Dear God, I love my friend C. She has a lemon tree and apparently has lemons coming out her ears! I love lemons. LOVE them. These were awesome - just a little bit sweet and the peel has the most delicious aroma, almost herbal. I took eleven. Yes, eleven, and I used four just for this particular dinner.

I decided to make Tabbouleh salad. It's simple and yummy but I also love it because it allows me to express my Lebanese heritage.

Here is a quick and dirty recipe:
1 cup lemon juice, fresh squeezed is always best
1 cup bulgar (cracked wheat)
One bunch of parsley, curly is perfect
1/4 red onion, chopped fine
1 large tomato, chopped fine
1 T. Olive Oil (I truly love my Pasolivo olive oils)

You can also add mint, cucumber, garlic, and/or lemon zest - whatever you like - but this gets it done.

First I squeezed the lemons

Once the lemons are squeezed, add the juice to the bulgar and let soak, preferably overnight. If you are in a rush you can boil it, but overnight suffices in terms of softening the cracked wheat. You just don't want the cracked wheat to feel too hard or have any crunch.

While that was soaking, I seasoned up some chicken tenders with olive oil, lemon juice, lemon zest, Thyme, salt and pepper.

While the chicken was cooking, I started to work on the parsley. Like most herbs, the stem is not the best part. I am not as picky, but I do go through and cut most of the stem off before chopping to a fine consistency.

Once all ingredients are chopped, mix together in a large bowl

The absolute last step is adding in the bulgar and lemon juice (you can see it to the right!)

Mix well, and and then chill for at least 30 minutes to let the flavors combine. It does keep a few days in the fridge, but it tends to dry out a bit, so the sooner you eat it the better.

The final step was to chop up the chicken - yummy AND healthy!

And C, BTW, I need more lemons!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

SA Results

Not good.

4ml, 17 million/ml
Motility 40%
Morphology: 2%

Unless this improves, our only option is straight for the big guns - ICSI In vitro

I was going to start my positive thinking exercises again today anyway, so why not?

1. I can continue to drink with wild abandon
2. I can continue to eat sushi with wild abandon
3. I can continue losing weight
4. I can still run the first SF Half (which requires that 13 minute mile through the hills)
5. I can again focus on finding a new job
6. We have more time to pay off debt
7. Maybe I can talk H into letting me get another puppy

Sunday, February 22, 2009

I suck at food blogging

H and I went to eat at The Break of Dawn today, and it was TDF. I also didn't have my camera ::shaking fist::

I would love to take WeezerMonkey here - I'm sure she would do a MUCH better job and do this intimate and creative restaurant justice.

But, for now, I will have to suffice, photo-less and all.

The menu is creative and unusual - not the typical fare for a breakfast/lunch cafe.

To drink, I got the green tea - loose leaf tea brewed in my own pot - and H got the tropical iced tea. Next time I am so getting the Asian Mary. Or maybe the Blood Orange Mojito - I just wasn't drinking today (RE's orders)

I chose the Casserole - a stew of potatoes, vegetables, sauteed onions, and tomatoes with the flavors of lime and ginger, a braised egg, mozzarella and a piece of grilled bread to help soak up every drop. The egg was perfectly cooked, with the yolk still a bit runny, and the favors were amazing, reminiscent of an Italian stew but with a twist.

H got the Vietnamese Style Sandwich with sesame chicken. The chicken was a nice balance between sweet and savory and very tender. It was served with a pickled slaw of onion, cabbage and carrots and the house dressing.

We finished the meal with the house-made crystallized ginger ice cream. It was served in a small canning jar and two small spoons. The ice cream was silky, sweet, and delicately spiced, and there were small chunks of crystallized ginger throughout adding an extra bit of heat and flavor.

I am already dying to go back. And next time I might remember my camera.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Progesterone Test

21! What the hell??!! I figured I had low progesterone/weak ovulation because of my excessive late cycle spotting. Since most docs want it to be at least 10, I think my body blew that test out of the water. So, the next test is FSH level bloodwork on CD3. I can't help but hope I don't even see CD3.

Oh, and by the way, my WW weigh in last night:

Previous Weight: 178.2
Latest Weight: 177.8
Lost this week: 0.4
Total lost: 1.6

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

First Blood

Got results from my first (if somewhat unexciting) blood test! I am A Positive, my thyroid and prolactin levels are normal, my blood counts are normal, I have immunity to chicken pox and measles, and I don't have syphillis, HIV, or hepatitis. All of which is good news. My CD21 bloodwork is Friday morning - they don't do blood on weekends, so I guess it didn't matter if I O'd on Friday or Saturday, my test would still be Friday.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

WW - 2nd Weigh in

I was a bit doubtful. I don't feel lighter. And I am trying not to freak out about what I wear. So I wore jeans. I figured if I even weigh the same in jeans, I must be doing okay. I think jeans are heavier than most other clothes, right? Anyway...

Current Weight: 178.2
Pounds lost: 1.2 (better than nothing!!!)
Total Pounds lost: 1.2

Third Time's a Charm

Today was my third attempt to meet with an RE. Aside from sitting there another 35 minutes before even being greeted, it was actually a pleasant experience overall. Apparently H did give the doc an earful about her staff. I guess I have him to thank for that, because even though I was livid before, I was just happy to actually see a doc at that point. Especially one that smiled without it seeming like a little joke at my expense.

She went over our medical histories and family history, and then explained in great detail the things they were going to test for, when, and why. She also went over some percentage numbers, which were daunting and a little scary. Apparently, an AMA woman who has been trying a year with no success has a 2% chance of getting pregnant. I'm not sure if that's true, but everything else seemed right - an average healthy couple with no issues (healthy, plentiful, motile and well shaped sperm, no blocked tubes and regular ovulation) has about a 20% chance a cycle to get pregnant. It was a little discouraging, but she said it like it was, and touched on some of the things that can increase their chances.

At the end of my appointment, I had my first ever date with the dildo cam. Yes ladies - I am no longer a dildo cam virgin. She looked at my uterus, which apparently seemed normal. One big fibroid, but she wasn't concerned because it wasn't in a place where it can impede conception, and my ovaries had about 4 follicle each, with only one growing (on my left ovary, if you care). Perfectly normal. So our homework is to POAS (OPK), and have lots of sex over the next few days).

She also took blood - to screen for Hepatitis, rubella, chicken pox, AIDS, Thyroid issues, and some other hormonal things. And I have an action plan: 1. As soon as I get a +OPK, I am to call and schedule CD21 bloodwork to test my progesterone level 2. CD 2, 3, or 4 I come in to have my FSH levels checked, and 3. Schedule my HSG sometime between when the bleeding stops and my next ovulation. Oh yeah, and H needs to schedule his deposit for sometime late next week. It feels good to have a plan, even though I already knew that's what it would be.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

RE Appt #2 = FAIL

So I get up bright and early so I can go to my RE appointment this morning. I get there 10 minutes early, sign in and grab a magazine. 40 minutes and two magazines later, they call me and tell me my appointment was yesterday and that they left me a message on my cell phone. Ummmm, I checked my cell all day yesterday, and had messages, but none from you. Nor were there any messages at work or home, and they have both of those numbers.

So she asks me when I can come back - this afternoon at 4:00? No, I have meetings. How about tomorrow at 4:00? I say yes, because I am going to HH tomorrow evening and was kind of excited to maybe get there early rather than late because of my normal work schedule. So I am ready to walk out, and she says okay, do you need me to write it down for you? So I say no, I got it, tomorrow at 4:00, and she says no, Thursday at 4:00. Ummm you said TOMORROW. WTF?

I wouldn't put it past myself to get the day mixed up for today's supposed appointment, but when talking about rescheduling, I know she said tomorrow. I am also suspicious because there was so voice mail, no missed call from a random number, nor a garbled message I couldn't understand. No evidence of a voice mail whatsoever. Plus, when I originally made the appointment, it was for Feb 3, and then called me the next day to push it back a week because they screwed up.

I am so over it. I'm extremely angry and on the verge of tears at the same time. It's hard enough for me to get out of work for doctor's appointments, and now I have to go two days in one week. PLUS they let me sit there for fucking 40 minutes before saying anything. WTF? Is this shit worth it? I am really tempted to call and cancel, but then what? I hate fucking doctors and doctor's offices.

Friday, February 6, 2009

First day back on WW

Well, first of all, I can't believe how fast the points go. I had oatmeal for breakfast, a couple low fat high fiber mini muffins, an apple, a spinach and chicken salad with no dressing (but a little crumbled blue cheese and almonds), a yogurt and some clementines. And I have three points left. :-/ Crap - I forgot about the bite of cookie and quesadilla. UGH this is hard. WTF am I going to eat for dinner! Seriously.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

WW Weigh in #1

Talk about sad. 179.4. I'm not really suprised considering I can't fit into most of my clothes. I don't know where I went wrong. Well, I do, actually. It's called not tracking your food intake and taking a major hiatus from the gym, all at the same time.

So I signed up for the monthly pass, and the dynamic of the group was better than any other meeting I have been to, so maybe I have found one I can stick with. God knows online only wasn't keeping me accountable. I'll start tomorrow with the whole new Momentum Plan.

The other good thing is I may have gotten a gym/run buddy - we have plans to meet up Tuesday morning for a class! I really need to get into the morning workout routine again, so this is really exciting for me. I am also going to take some shoes to work so I can walk at lunch. I'll put an old pair under my desk so I can't forget.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Weight Watchers

I need to do it. I have not been successful on any other diet plan, and god knows right now I need to do something. I had about 4 inches too little fabric on my pants waistband this morning, and nothing else to wear. I'm a mess. And of course I saw my race pictures - Not good.

So I am going to a meeting tomorrow night. I am going to start fresh. I am going to get this excess fat off my body and get on with my life.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I am not a positive person today

Being positive takes so much energy. At least it does for me. I am trying not to focus on the negative today, but I am very frustrated and depressed. I don't have that many friends at work, but the one I do have is leaving. Her last day is tomorrow, and it makes me sad. I am scared and nervous about the future, especially financially, and I feel stuck in this job that I have hated for a long time now. I am nervous to keep trying to get KU because I am uncertain about finances, and H is not moving too fast to get another job. I am so bitter that it was him and not me because 1. My resume would have been done immediately, if not already and 2. I would be WAY more productive with time at home. I am running out of time.

On the bright side, at least I have good friends that love me and support me and listen to me whine.