Monday, September 28, 2009

Ghosts from my past

As expected, H and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch due to his unemployment and our infertility. I still love him fiercely, but we just aren't getting along like we used to. I know this is going to change - mostly when he gets a job. He absolutely hates being unemployed and is a moody fucker these days. He has an interview today (good luck baby!) and another one tomorrow! Woot!

Anyway, with impeccable timing, a old flame walked into my life last week via Linked In. We had a periodically intense relationship that lasted well over a year. I say "periodically intense" because when we were together, life was grand. We laughed, we talked, we ate, we shopped, we had incredible, amazing sex. I really felt like we were just on the same wavelength. And then we would part. Well, the word "part" is a stronger word than maybe it should be. See, I lived in Huntington Beach and he lived in Hollywood. Not that far, but also not super easy to see each other during the week, so our time together was limited and sporadic. This probably would have been fine, but he also had an "out of sight, out of mind" mentality. I wouldn't hear from him at all for sometimes several weeks, and then he would call and we would be right back to where we were.

I was far too independent to bother calling him either, but eventually I started to feel like maybe I needed more. Maybe it was time for me to consider having an actual relationship. I told him that if we were to continue seeing each other, maybe we needed to progress a little. He agreed, but failed to make the effort, so I dumped him.

That was 9 years ago.

Every couple of years he tracks me down. First it was via calling me on my cell before I eventually changed the number. Then it was contacting me at my personal email address (which I still have, but stopped responding to his emails). Then it was by googling my name and finding my work email. Now it's via Linked In. I seriously might be "the one that got away" for him. I wonder what he wants and if he will ever really get over me? Or maybe he just wants to keep in touch? Unless he comes right out and says something definitive, I'll never know.

Since last week, I have found myself thinking about him more. The rocky relationship H and I are sporting doesn't help. He is about as different from H as possible. Sometimes I find myself thinking about a good memory, and often I think about the bad. Mainly, where would I be if I had stuck around and tried to make it work? Can I honestly think he would have ever settled down? Well, at least with me? I don't think so. Even if he does want me now, he had the chance 9 years ago and he missed out.

If I was still single, I would probably give him another chance, even though I am not convinced it would end up any different. I can only imagine how desperate I would be if I was still single at 36! Especially since I was so over the dating scene long before I met H over 6 years ago. I have to remember how happy and secure my husband made me feel, even early in our relationship. We are rocky now, but employment is imminent for him, and he will again be the sweet, relaxed, happy man I married. And then we can work on making sex fun again, and I can once again banish the memory of this particular old flame. Until he tracks me down again, of course!

7 comments:

  1. yeah it's fun to think about those ghosts. sending good positive thoughts your way...i know you'll get your darling husband back soon. and when you do -- "fredricks of hollywood". xo

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  2. I hope your DH has 2 great interviews, and hopefully has an offer by the end of the week. Then you can put an end to this funk and bury this ghost.

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  3. Isn't it funny how those people pop up again at just the 'right' times!

    Best of luck to your husband with the job situation, and to both of you for getting back to your normal selves. :)

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  4. I had my own ghost track me down this week. Is Mercury in retrograde or something?! ;) It's hard to resist the urge to ponder the "what if", but I just remind myself of why things ended.

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  5. What an honest and heartfelt post. I hope things keep getting better for you and your husband.

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  6. Ditto what Weemo said. Those old flames are fun to think about but in my very very personal experience they always burn you in the end.
    I've learned it's best to just put out the flame once and for all. After all, your marriage deserves all the attention in the world - especially in rocky times- not some smuck you had a flame with but chose to let you go in the end.

    It's always easier to think the grass is always greener when things are rocky in our marriage.

    But in the end these hard times will bond you two and much better times are ahead friend.

    Good luck to H on his job interviews. My fingers are crossed for him! (and you!)

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  7. I hope the job interview goes well and your relationship with your hubby goes back to blissful. It's the trying times that define and test the strength of our relationships.

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