Saturday, February 27, 2010

Ties

This is the actual theme of this month's NaBloPoMo, something I haven't even touched on at all. So what does the word "ties" mean to me? Right now, I feel tied down. Not in a good, KTFU, kind of way, but rather in a claustrophobic, "Groundhog Day" kind of way. My life seems to be a never ending repeat of the same crappy day as the day before. I own a condo in a complex I hate, but I can't sell it without feeling totally screwed. Besides, where would we live? Even though my husband has been out of work for 13 months, and I have hated my job for 20 months, he refuses to even look outside the immediate area. But he also won't leave without a job. Gah! If I wasn't married, I would have moved my ass away years ago. But I am married, so I am tied down there too. Not only am I completely tied to my current industry by the economy, I couldn't even tell you what I should be doing instead. I don't even know myself anymore. WTF do I enjoy anyway? Besides the internet, reading, watching TV and sleeping? Because I don't think anyone is going to pay me to do that shit. I'm tied down by my own lack of direction. I'm also tied down by debt. Tied.

How the hell do I go about getting to know myself again? I have suppressed my feelings for so long. I think as far as work goes, I only range from "mildly miserable" to "really miserable" and I don't know if I would recognize enjoyment if it came up and bit me in the ass.

Ties. I hate ties. I wish I was free.

2 comments:

  1. I'm sorry. I know it's been a tough past year for you. And all I can really say is that I'm here for you and I really do hope shittons of awesome things happen in 2010 to make up for the shitty 2009. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. I definitely know that feeling.
    I hope all works out.

    ReplyDelete

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