Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Low Places

I took a couple of days off after my month of straight blogging, hoping my mood would get better. No such luck. I am in a very, very dark place right now, filled with questions about the meaning of life. Why the fuck am I here? And who did I fuck with in a past life? Because I certainly feel like I'm paying for it now.

I am so over the rat race that is living in society. Money can't buy you happiness, but it does make the world go 'round, and when you don't have it, you are severely limited. H and I are currently scraping by with his unemployment, but now we are faced with some hefty medical bills because my insurance seems to pick and choose what they pay for and how much of it they cover. I am going to appeal, and talk to the hospital as well, but the best I really hope for is a payment plan. Which makes me really, really sad, because my husband went through lots of pain, and the amount we owe now would have covered anywhere from 3-6 IUI's. And it may not even work. I feel stupid. I feel duped.

As far as money goes, what are we going to do if UE runs out before he gets a job? What are we going to do if our bills start getting more out of control? What will we do if I get laid off, or have to take a pay cut? I know we will owe on our taxes this year, but the question is how much. I think of all the things we have that take so much money. A moderately priced car bought only when my last car blew up after 12 years. We own a condo with a mortgage that costs less than most rents. We aren't keeping up with the Joneses really at all. We aren't extravagant. I suppose we could try and rent our condo and move into a studio in the Barrio. I guess we could cut the cable. I suppose I could try and talk H into re-rolling the toilet paper, but FFS, that's just stupid. What happened to the American Dream? All I have ever wanted was to own a small house with a small yard. I never wanted a mansion, I just didn't want a condo. I never wanted an extravagant car. I like Louboutins, but I will never own a pair (unless I can find them at a Goodwill for $20). I have never even been tempted by a $500 purse. And yet we struggle.

And now that our insurance has proven they can just opt to not pay some things, based on loopholes I am not aware of, I truly wonder how much money we would be in for just to give birth to a child? Some things are covered at 100% and some things aren't. Nobody can tell me how much they will bill us, because nobody can predict the future. So then, how much do I need to set aside before I can get KU? $2k? $5K? $10K? More? I guess it depends on how labor goes, what is actually needed, and how they bill it. Who the fuck knows? I'm sure Anthem will pull every string they can to pay as little as possible. If we do manage to save enough to pay the hospital bill, then there is no way we could afford day care.

Why do we all need to work like dogs just to afford the simple things? When did the world get so expensive? How can I feel motivated to get on with my life when everything is stacked against us? What is the fucking meaning? What is the fucking point. I have always tried to not regret any decisions I have made in my life, but I sure as shit wish I could have a do-over. I would tell the younger me that I don't have all the time in the world. Time marches on, whether you want to admit it or not. Just because you wait until 34 to finally get married, means you don't have the same amount of time to start a family as that 24 year old. Hopefully it also means you won't be on your second husband before the kids ages are in the double digits.

The more I am faced with the reality of life and money, the more I give up on starting a family. Kids are fucking expensive, so if you aren't even sure you can pay the hospital bill, how the fuck can you afford to feed and clothe and educate the monkey? But then I think about all those people - the irresponsible ones. The ones that think you can live on $1000 a month, including kids. Why do they get to do it, and not me? The whole situation makes me want to throat punch somebody, and curl up into a little self-pitying ball, all at the same time.

Shit, and I haven't even touched on retirement, or lack thereof. I'll be the 90 year old woman greeting people at Walmart because I can't afford to live without a minimum wage job.

I have to try an focus on what isn't going wrong. Otherwise, I will probably go crazy. H and I are still healthy. We have use of our legs and arms, fingers, toes, and especially, brains. There has to be meaning. How do you find the meaning? How do you find the things that keep you going? What is the meaning of life?


  1. Wow. When you figure the way to find the meaning, please let me know. I stumbled upon your blog after the Nike Women's Marathon - I was out there with you, another TNT participant. At times, I feel as though I'm reading my own words. So here's to happier times and meaningful lives, from a reader who's also in a low place, far away on the east coast.

  2. ::hugs:: I'm sorry your going through one of those low moments. I don't think we'll ever know what the meaning is of all that we are forced to struggle with. I hope you can find peace some how. I know its not easy.

  3. thinking of you and sending you hugs.

    p.s-my sister can put you in contact with someone who can tell you about your past life ;)

  4. I'm sorry my friend. I know things have been tough for you for a while now. I'm always hoping that things will turn around for you guys, because you really deserve it. Whatever you need, you know you can call on me.

  5. <3

    I recently learned that my brother-in-law supports his soon-to-be family of four on less than third of our household income.

    I think you can do it.

  6. Well, you can plan and plan and plan and plan but I've asked myself this same question- and have come up with this...
    Just like Weemo said- people just make it happen ya know?


    Love ya. i'm here if you ever wanna talk. :)

  7. I wish I had something to say that would help you feel better.

    Sending you hugs <3

  8. Hugs to you my friend. I'm sorry you are feeling so down right now. Life is hard. It bites. You could always move to FL? It sucks here, but the cost of living sure is low. You deserve good things, and I'm sending it out into the universe to finally send you what you deserve.


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