Thursday, September 16, 2010

Still Depressed

Yeah, I know I'm a whiner. I know I need to suck it up. I know I have this amazing opportunity that I am so lucky to have, and of course I am going to take advantage of it! I'm just so disappointed and angry.


Disappointed - not in myself or my body or even my particular pregnancy situation. Disappointed because I am being restricted before there is any reason for the restriction. I do not have issues with ovulation or miscarriages or anything else. I am not unhealthy. I am not (yet) pregnant with multiples. I am not so tired that I can't see straight. Yes, these things may happen, and if they do, I would be more at peace with the situation.  Let ME decide that I am too tired to exercise. If I am, fine. I will deal with it and accept it. If I am carrying twins and need to adjust for that, great - that is a valid situation and reason to adjust expectations. If I need to be on bed rest for my entire pregnancy, it is what is it. But to tell me what I am required to do and not to do long before I am even in the situation, makes me feel like my body is being underestimated. I am being sold short.


Angry because it's one more thing that infertility has taken from me. Infertility has taken so much - my time, my money, my mental well being, my relationships, and now my freedom. My mom swam every day, walked all the time, and biked 30-40 miles most days, all the way to her due date. She was able to deliver at home with a midwife. She had an easy 8 hour labor. She was relaxed and happy and enjoyed every minute of her pregnancy. I can tell, from my cycles and my ovaries and my lining and my hormone levels that I am my mother's daughter. I should also have the opportunity for an active and enjoyable pregnancy, and an easy labor on my terms. Of course, that might not have been the case, but why can't we wait and see? Why can't we just see how many embryos stick, and how my body reacts to the pregnancy? It feels like going straight to IVF after three months of trying and without doing diagnostic tests.


I also have to face a pretty harsh reality - if I'm not allowed to do any exercise at all in my 1st trimester, I won't be allowed to do anything for my entire pregnancy. I see this snowballing into a completely unhealthy situation, physically and mentally - without exercise, I will have no outlet for stress. So then will I eat my way though my pregnancy and gain way too much weight, develop gestational diabetes, high blood pressure, etc.? Or will the stress cause even more damage than that? Let's not forget the total complete and utter asshole I currently work whose personal goal is to make my life a living hell. It actually makes me panic a little, to think I will have absolutely no outlet for the side effects of this toxic but required relationship.

2 comments:

  1. :( I don't want this to come off the wrong way, but could you go see a counselor maybe? it may help you get your head in a better place before you start the process and I'm sure you are going to need that. Hang in there. I'm always available for a run or a drink.

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  2. I agree with Nabum dude.

    Friend- take this ONE step at a time. You're not even at the start line and you're going dark.

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