Monday, December 20, 2010

I feel like I should be blogging about something, but who wants to read a depressed diatribe? Not me, and it would be my own depressed diatribe, so if I don't want to read it, why would you?

Everyone, including my husband, tells me not to lose hope. How do they propose I do this? Babies cost money, and when you're infertile, they cost a hell pf a lot more money, even before they are actually considered fetuses. And dear reader, when was the last time I mentioned I was old? In case you forgot, I will be 38 in 2011. If I get a new job/find the money/a miracle happens, I will be pushing 39 before I can even hope to give birth. Someone, please tell me where the years went?

I'm not even sure what to hope for. A miracle that one of my husband's sperm finds one of my defunct eggs and they actually fertilize and implant? Or should I just hope I can make it through the rest of my life without permanently hating everyone who has kids. Because right now I do. And I judge everything they do or don't do, whether it is my place or not. This extends to those less fortunate too. Laid off? Well, at least you can have kids. I don't know that I can even get the same message from "It's a Wonderful Life" anymore. Yes, it is a wonderful life... for YOU, because your fertile ass was able to procreate FOUR FREAKING TIMES. Must be nice!

Anyway, back to hope. I am not the kind of person who can blindly hope for something that is nearly impossible. So I guess for now I can hope that I find a job that pays for IF procedures soon enough that they might actually work for me. That's pretty much all I got.


  1. That's what we're for.... to do the hoping when you don't have the energy.

    Hang in there.

  2. {{hugs}} we love you. I know you will be a mom someday soon. I have not lost hope for you.


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