Saturday, December 11, 2010

Jumbled

I'm trying to sort through my feelings.

I didn't think I would blame myself. I really thought I would be mad at my husband for waiting to get the surgery, for not changing his diet, for not taking his vitamins, while my body aged.

But I do wonder if I could have done something differently. Did I not rest enough? Should I have taken a leave of absence from work? Did I not take the right vitamins or enough of the right vitamins before and during my cycle? Did I not eat healthy enough? Is my uterus even capable of carrying babies? And if it's not, is there anything I can do to change that?

IVF is such a mindfuck. I was never pregnant, so I didn't have a miscarriage. But I know I had two growing embryos who perished after they were put in my body. That makes me feel really shitty. Like I failed them. Not that my body failed to do what it was supposed to do, or we failed to get our egg and sperm together, but I failed to keep my babies safe and healthy. I know that's a fucked up way to think, but I keep thinking it.

I know we will try again. Maybe I can finally convince my husband to get on the vitamin bandwagon. Maybe I need to buy the really expensive flavored packets for him. Because really expensive vitamin costs pale in comparison to the cost of IVF. I will rejoin Weight Watchers (maybe after some wallowing in holiday food and booze) and start running again, to get myself as healthy as I can. And I will be looking for a new job, hopefully one with some IVF coverage.

And before any of this, I will schedule a WTF consult with Dr. Werlin. I keep thinking about how much different my results would have been if he wasn't restricted by this study that dictated how much stim he could give me, as well as the specific suppression drug and specific progesterone supplement and the specific dosage. I know he wasn't a fan of everything the study dictated, and I would like to hear what he thinks may have gone wrong (if anything specific) and what he would do differently in a future cycle.

Today is a new day.

4 comments:

  1. I have been right where you are and it SUCKS! I am so sorry. I think you are handling this by far better than I did.

    Can I recommend an OTC vitamin that really seemed to help my DH? Granted, yours would have to agree to take it but DH's count was super low before he started taking this, 6 month later we were KU on our own and he started taking it again about 4 months ago and you know where we are now. If you want me to STFU and just pass the wine I can do that too. Hugs!

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  2. I hope your Dr has some positive ideas for you that weren't possibilities with the studies.

    I get what you mean about second guessing yourself and your husband. I always wonder why wasn't willing to do some of the things I suggested and he thinks some of the things I'm trying are so extreme (because they're not).

    I don't know that there is any way not to second guess yourself with all this BS....it seems like there could always be something to question.

    If you need an internet drinking partner, let me know... That is the one thing I'm not going to limit too much this month.

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  3. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope and pray that you will have a 2011 baby still.

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