Thursday, August 26, 2010

Something Fierce

Damn, I miss my mom. For the first time in a long time, I feel like having a baby might actually happen, and while I had my moments of excitement and even happiness, the reality of being pregnant and raising my child without my mother being a part of my daily life is so depressing.

My mom and I are close. I mean CLOSE. We lived within 30 minutes of each other until I was 26 years old, and saw each other almost daily. Even though she now lives 1200 miles way from me, we still talk almost every day. When I pictured myself having a family, it always included her as being a part of my child's daily life. In fact, I was counting on the cheap day care she would provide. My mom is also awesome - she taught me to read long before I even got to kindergarten. She is a huge believer in education, lifelong learning, and reading. She is a feminist, a humanist, and has an open mind, and always taught me to think for myself. I could think of no better environment to shape my child's young mind.

But that's not the environment my potential child would have where I live currently.

Instead, I currently live near my husband's family. My husband's family uses the "N" word on a regular basis and opposed to gay marriage. They make misogynistic comments about their own granddaughters, saying they are "asking to be raped" because they wear shorts. They constantly refer to the bible to justify their beliefs, and yet they are not what I always thought a Christian was supposed to be. Judge not, lest ye be judged? I think they conveniently forgot about that. They don't have a single independent thought - their opinions are verbatim from Fox News. They never made education a priority for their own kids, and would rather spend their money on cars and vacations than help their children go to college. They are horribly selfish and are usually only concerned with themselves, sacrificing the others around them, including their own children. In addition to all of this, they don't believe infertile people should be allowed to use medical advances to help them have children. So why should they have access to my child??

I want my offspring to be kind and compassionate, to be color-blind and yet, open to different cultures. I want my kids to treat everyone as equals, no matter their sex, color, creed, sexual orientation, or any other differentiating factor. I want them to think for themselves, and have their education and values to guide their decisions. I want them to have positive role models so they can grow up adventurous and independent, but have enough knowledge to make good decisions. I am terrified of what I would have to undo after a visit with them.

I miss my mom.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

We're on a roll

Two posts in two days! I'm a blogging fiend.

Thanks for making me feel missed :)

Oh, and I weighed myself. Officially 21 pounds over goal. How the hell did I gain 3 pounds in less than a week? I mean, I was even halfway pretending to diet. Which means I wasn't stuffing my face nearly as much as I was a couple weeks ago. Lame. Well, I need to start somewhere.

Current Weight: 177 (ouch!)
Lifetime Goal Weight: 156

Here we go again...

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Shittons of News (and fat)

Wow, once again, time flies. Really, I have been so disconnected from so many things lately, I would have forgetten I even had a blog, if it wasn't for all the spammers. But anyone who still has me on their reader deserves an update. So, here goes nothing...

One of my favorite people, Mrs. 10YT, turned me on to an IVF Clinical Trial! I have passed all the preliminary screening and now have my consult on September 15! H isn't quite on board yet - he is worried that I'm going to get cancer or our kid will have three legs or something. I'm not worried because the drug they are testing is already used widely in Europe. It would be a sweet deal - not only would the initial IVF be covered in full, any FET's done after would also be covered, since those little embryos would also be a part of the study. An amazing opportunity for sure. I will have some out of pocket expenses if I need to get all the diagnostic testing done again, but even that's a bargain. It's scary and exciting that I could be a mom in the next year - Eeeek! But let's not count my chickens before they hatch.

Other than that, I am a fat ass. I gained about 10 pounds while training for my last marathon... and then I gained 10 more. I just can't seem to stop eating. I'm sure it's stress, especially since my husband still isn't working. 19 months and counting. And it's getting pretty old. Oy vey.

So here I am, a good 18 pounds above my WW goal weight, and almost the weight I was when I started WW again about 18 months ago. When I think about how long it took to lose that weight, it makes me feel stupid and silly for letting myself go so far. I can't fit into any of my pants, so I have been wearing dresses to work, and of course, the chafing from the chub rub is not pleasant. I just can't seem to get that part of my brain to click back into healthy eating mode. I also can't get too motivated to run either, since I only have a half coming up (and coincidentally, might not be able to run it if I start and IVF cycle! Topic for another blog post, maybe once I know something). And I can't really justify spending the $40 a month to go back to WW. It's also the shame thing too - just 2-3 months ago, I was lifetime and an example. Now I'm fat again. :P

Oh well, today is the first day of the rest of my life.