Thursday, September 30, 2010

Spoiled

I heard through the grapevine that I might be able to score some days at the 24Hour Ultrasport Lakeshore Towers between now and December. So yesterday, I checked it out.


It was nice. I felt a little like a rat on a wheel when running circles on the track, but no biggie. They have nice equipment. Spacious workout areas. SUPER spacious locker rooms with awesome shampoo and conditioner, multiple areas to apply makeup and style hair, complete with hair dryers and curling irons. Oh, and the towels are provided - no more bringing my own which then sit damp in my car all day, getting yucky.

I can't get used to this, because the $70 a month is a bit excessive, especially when I am about 6 weeks away from not being able to work out. But man, did my regular 24 Hour feel especially sucky today.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Saline Hysterosonogram

Today Dr. Werlin looked at my ute. I wasn't too worried about this test, since my HSG was relatively painless. But I did forget to take my Tylenol! I remembered that about 10 minutes before my appt. Oops.

Anyway, I had the procedure explained to me about 5 times, which was nice but unnecessary, since I scoured the interwebs as much as humanly possible, as I do with all this stuff. The one disconcerting thing was the industrial size trash bag with an absorbent cloth right placed right between the stirrups, directly under where my butt would go.

Overall, the procedure went fine. A little uncomfortable when looking at my ovaries, and then definitely uncomfortable when the nurse injected the saline into my uterus, but not painful at all. Thank goodness. Dr. Werlin said I was perfect, about 1000 times. My ovaries look great, 4-5 follies on each side, with the lead follie at16 mm on my right ovary (I should O on Wednesday by my calculations, so right on target). My lining is 9 mm, and the surface of my uterus looks great - no polyps or abnormalities. And I didn't even gush.

Now, we wait for my CD3 blood to come back (any day now), and then get H in for his SA and infectious disease panel. Oh, and I have my pap smear scheduled for the third week of October. Once all of that comes back, I can schedule my final consult and to sign paperwork. We're moving along!

Monday, September 20, 2010

Still Going Strong


Yes, he drives me crazy. Often. But we have a lot of fun together, and he's my best friend. Love you babe - happy anniversary!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Better Places

I'm feeling better. I knew I would be. And while I love all of you, you were all so excited for the IVF, I didn't feel like anyone really understood how I was feeling. Maybe some of you thought it was strictly a vanity thing. Like I couldn't stand to gain a pound, or something like that. Fortunately, I found a few people who understood how I was feeling, including one woman who had been in my position and got through it. Her words of wisdom and encouragement helped me tremendously, and I am still hopeful I will be able to exercise again after 12 weeks along.

For me, it has nothing to do with vanity. It has everything to do with my concern for my (phantom) child. I don't want to care about how I am feeling, whether I feel like working out or eating vegetables, or sleeping and eating junk food. I want to take care of myself so that my child has the best health, the best life. I want to avoid any complications, such as preeclampsia or gestational diabetes. I don't want to be forced into an early induction or a c-section because of health issues that I might have been able to prevent.

I have read all the studies - that expectant mothers who exercise have shorter and easier labors, and a better chance at delivering healthy babies. Women who eat vegetables during pregnancy have a better chance that their babies will like vegetables. These choices will lead to a healthy life for my child, well beyond the first few years.

A part of me feels bad that I am going through such great lengths to bring a child into this world, with all it's inherent flaws and dangers. This is a huge investment and I don't want to jeopardize it, but while my doctor uses that train of thought to ban exercise, it is precisely that thought that makes me want to exercise. So, I will listen to my doctor, but I will also be interviewing OB's that will give me the green light to start up again on week 13.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Two Months and Counting

I have two months! I 100% confirmed today that I would not be able to start my IVF cycle until November due to some office closures in October. So, I have two months to run, to exercise, and to get back to a better weight before starting treatment. Two months is good. Two months is doable. Two months might be enough to get my head on straight.

Responsibilities

I had to quit my coaching job today. The spring season, where we would be training for the Surf City and LA Marathons, will kick off on October 30, and I couldn't leave the team hanging. The coaches will be announced on Monday, and since I won't even be allowed to ride a bike, there was no way for me to commit to the team. So I had to let them know while there was still time to replace me.

Yeah, I am probably over thinking this, but I have to be prepared and responsible. I can't ignore my commitments.

And maybe I should get some counseling. Except I have never met a counselor who could help me more than I can help myself on my own, so it's always been a waste of a co-payment IMO. I don't see why I shouldn't be angry and depressed. I mean, really? Infertility sucks. It shouldn't be this way, but it is. And I have every right to angry.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Still Depressed

Yeah, I know I'm a whiner. I know I need to suck it up. I know I have this amazing opportunity that I am so lucky to have, and of course I am going to take advantage of it! I'm just so disappointed and angry.


Disappointed - not in myself or my body or even my particular pregnancy situation. Disappointed because I am being restricted before there is any reason for the restriction. I do not have issues with ovulation or miscarriages or anything else. I am not unhealthy. I am not (yet) pregnant with multiples. I am not so tired that I can't see straight. Yes, these things may happen, and if they do, I would be more at peace with the situation.  Let ME decide that I am too tired to exercise. If I am, fine. I will deal with it and accept it. If I am carrying twins and need to adjust for that, great - that is a valid situation and reason to adjust expectations. If I need to be on bed rest for my entire pregnancy, it is what is it. But to tell me what I am required to do and not to do long before I am even in the situation, makes me feel like my body is being underestimated. I am being sold short.


Angry because it's one more thing that infertility has taken from me. Infertility has taken so much - my time, my money, my mental well being, my relationships, and now my freedom. My mom swam every day, walked all the time, and biked 30-40 miles most days, all the way to her due date. She was able to deliver at home with a midwife. She had an easy 8 hour labor. She was relaxed and happy and enjoyed every minute of her pregnancy. I can tell, from my cycles and my ovaries and my lining and my hormone levels that I am my mother's daughter. I should also have the opportunity for an active and enjoyable pregnancy, and an easy labor on my terms. Of course, that might not have been the case, but why can't we wait and see? Why can't we just see how many embryos stick, and how my body reacts to the pregnancy? It feels like going straight to IVF after three months of trying and without doing diagnostic tests.


I also have to face a pretty harsh reality - if I'm not allowed to do any exercise at all in my 1st trimester, I won't be allowed to do anything for my entire pregnancy. I see this snowballing into a completely unhealthy situation, physically and mentally - without exercise, I will have no outlet for stress. So then will I eat my way though my pregnancy and gain way too much weight, develop gestational diabetes, high blood pressure, etc.? Or will the stress cause even more damage than that? Let's not forget the total complete and utter asshole I currently work whose personal goal is to make my life a living hell. It actually makes me panic a little, to think I will have absolutely no outlet for the side effects of this toxic but required relationship.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

IVF Consult

Holy shit. This is feeling more real every day.

I met with Dr. Werlin today - what a character. But very professional. We talked and asked a lot of questions, of each other. There were so many questions that went unanswered, mostly because he's the Doc for the Study - Not like I have much choice, right?

I have some testing to do - hormone levels on CD3, hysterosonography, and a pap smear. H has testing too - a followup SA to ensure he does have sperm in his sample, as surgical sperm retrieval is not an option. As long as my hormone levels come back normal, and H has sperm, we are officially accepted into the study! Since the study doesn't allow for any suppression, we do have to time the IVF with my regular cycle, which means I can either start with my October cycle or my November cycle.

The study uses Ganirelix for to ensure I don't ovulate before the ET, and Crinone gel for progesterone, which means no post ET shots! I can't tell you how excited I am about that, since my husband might not be up for the task of sticking me in the keister with a big ol' needle.

The study only allows for a 3 day transfer, so I don't even have to worry about the 5 day blasts, other than will they freeze (since FET's are also covered under the study), and we will transfer 2 - no more, no less.

Now, the bad news. Dr. Werlin is extremely conservative. He requires full bed rest for 3-5 days after ET (I can get up to pee, and I can sit up to eat - that's it), and no exercise of any kind for the first 12 weeks of pregnancy. Um, huh? In fact, he requires a full 12 weeks of complete and utter pelvic rest. How the hell am I going to make it through 12 weeks of pregnancy without running???????????????????????????????????????

Ok, I understand that the question mark usage might have been a bit gratuitous, but I am really upset.

I should be happy I am so lucky to be getting this chance. But it is just one more thing that infertility has taken from me. I wanted to run through my pregnancy. I wanted to run a marathon during my pregnancy. I wanted to prove to everyone, including my MIL, that someone can be pregnant and still be healthy and active. So, how incredibly unfair is it that I can't do any exercise during my first trimester, much less run? And how shitty it it that I can'r run, but yet, I still have to go to work???? How am I going to emotionally survive without running? And there is probably no way that any doctor, RE, OB or Peri that will allow me to start running in my second trimester after taking a good 14-16 weeks off.

IF still fucking sucks, but I am a lucky, lucky woman. And that's all I can muster up right now.