Thursday, December 30, 2010

Here we go again

I feel like a relapsed addict. Disgusted with myself. One year ago I was basking in my newly acquired Weight Watchers Lifetime Membership. Now I'm fat and depressed. I need Jillian Michaels to come kick my ass and make me cry, except I'm aware of why I'm eating, and a part of me doesn't care.

Tonight I go back to face my Weight Watchers leader. Kinda not looking forward to it, because I feel like a failure. You know all those weight loss success stories which have the fine print "results not typical"? I'm apparently the typical.

The one part I am looking forward to is learning about the new plan. It might be harder to learn but I think it might force me to eat healthier overall. But we shall see. I am going to make a concerted effort to each much healthier in the new year as well. Part of me wonders if poor nutrition or my fat ass made my eggs bad or my ute toxic. In a way, I know that I shouldn't blame myself, but I still wonder if I could have done something differently. Maybe I should also start therapy in the new year. Can't hurt, right?

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas to Me... On Opposite Day

You gotta love holiday family gatherings. Especially when the clueless have just enough information to make them dangerous. Let me explain.

You see, even though I wanted to keep our ivf between us and a small handfull of understanding people for support, he felt that the more people we told, the more good thoughts in the universe we had.

As we all already know, those extra positive vibes didn't make a bit of difference and our ivf failed. When we got the test results, I threatened my husband and told him he better call every single person he told and let them know that it not only failed but to also not say a word to me about it. And then I proceeded to bury my feelings into butter, french fries and mac & cheese.

Fast forward to today, Christmas. Family gatherings. Well, a cousin who we did NOT tell went out of her way to tell me I was "sparkling" (huh?) And then actually put her hand on my belly and indicated I was pregnant. Um, no, but thanks for playing. Awkward. Especially since I had been drinking wine all night. Your powers of observation
astound me.

Later, this cousin's dad then mentioned something about our "project" not working and wondering if we would try again. Gotta love the family rumor mill. If there was ever a time to say FML, this was it.

Needless to say, Weight Watchers starts this week. Oh, and my husband will be thrashed with a wet noodle.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Knitting

I took up knitting. I probably should have taken it up before bedrest, but that's how it goes. I didn't think quickly enough, and H suggested it on Black Friday after ET. I doubt there was any way in HELL he was going to fight the rabid crafties at our local Michaels.

So far, I have learned the knit stitch, the purl stitch, how to bind off (I think that's what it's called) and a couple stitch patterns. I am *almost* ready to try something new. I think my first project should be a scarf, but maybe I want to attempt to change yarn colors or something like that first? My little "Teach Yourself Knitting" book also has a lesson on cable knit. o.O Not sure I'm up for that yet. My husband wants me to knit him a beanie. I'm unsure of how I do that, exactly. There is also a lesson about knitting with four needles to create circular patterns. Couldn't you do that with a circular needle? It seems to me it would easier than managing four freaking needles. And would look better than "sewing the pieces together. I might have to do more research.

Regardless, I thought knitting would be a nice stress reliever. Not sure if it's working or not, but I do feel like I'm getting it, which is different than the last two times I tried it.

Monday, December 20, 2010

I feel like I should be blogging about something, but who wants to read a depressed diatribe? Not me, and it would be my own depressed diatribe, so if I don't want to read it, why would you?

Everyone, including my husband, tells me not to lose hope. How do they propose I do this? Babies cost money, and when you're infertile, they cost a hell pf a lot more money, even before they are actually considered fetuses. And dear reader, when was the last time I mentioned I was old? In case you forgot, I will be 38 in 2011. If I get a new job/find the money/a miracle happens, I will be pushing 39 before I can even hope to give birth. Someone, please tell me where the years went?

I'm not even sure what to hope for. A miracle that one of my husband's sperm finds one of my defunct eggs and they actually fertilize and implant? Or should I just hope I can make it through the rest of my life without permanently hating everyone who has kids. Because right now I do. And I judge everything they do or don't do, whether it is my place or not. This extends to those less fortunate too. Laid off? Well, at least you can have kids. I don't know that I can even get the same message from "It's a Wonderful Life" anymore. Yes, it is a wonderful life... for YOU, because your fertile ass was able to procreate FOUR FREAKING TIMES. Must be nice!

Anyway, back to hope. I am not the kind of person who can blindly hope for something that is nearly impossible. So I guess for now I can hope that I find a job that pays for IF procedures soon enough that they might actually work for me. That's pretty much all I got.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Bitter

I don't think I have felt this bitter in a long time. I don't understand why this is happening to us. We don't deserve this. Why? What did I do in a past life to deserve this?

I hate the universe right now.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Jumbled

I'm trying to sort through my feelings.

I didn't think I would blame myself. I really thought I would be mad at my husband for waiting to get the surgery, for not changing his diet, for not taking his vitamins, while my body aged.

But I do wonder if I could have done something differently. Did I not rest enough? Should I have taken a leave of absence from work? Did I not take the right vitamins or enough of the right vitamins before and during my cycle? Did I not eat healthy enough? Is my uterus even capable of carrying babies? And if it's not, is there anything I can do to change that?

IVF is such a mindfuck. I was never pregnant, so I didn't have a miscarriage. But I know I had two growing embryos who perished after they were put in my body. That makes me feel really shitty. Like I failed them. Not that my body failed to do what it was supposed to do, or we failed to get our egg and sperm together, but I failed to keep my babies safe and healthy. I know that's a fucked up way to think, but I keep thinking it.

I know we will try again. Maybe I can finally convince my husband to get on the vitamin bandwagon. Maybe I need to buy the really expensive flavored packets for him. Because really expensive vitamin costs pale in comparison to the cost of IVF. I will rejoin Weight Watchers (maybe after some wallowing in holiday food and booze) and start running again, to get myself as healthy as I can. And I will be looking for a new job, hopefully one with some IVF coverage.

And before any of this, I will schedule a WTF consult with Dr. Werlin. I keep thinking about how much different my results would have been if he wasn't restricted by this study that dictated how much stim he could give me, as well as the specific suppression drug and specific progesterone supplement and the specific dosage. I know he wasn't a fan of everything the study dictated, and I would like to hear what he thinks may have gone wrong (if anything specific) and what he would do differently in a future cycle.

Today is a new day.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Big Fat Fucking Negative

"Expectation is the root of all heartache" ~William Shakespeare

I stole that from my friend Gidge. I don't have much to say except I am devastated.