Wednesday, March 30, 2011


Dear Me,

Today was a pretty good day! You have been doing such a great job planning meals around what we already have in the pantry and freezer, which is awesome because you saved money and time this week in addition to reducing the clutter.

You have also gotten so much done! Touched up the paint in the bedroom, watched a netflix movie, knitted, and baked some pumpkin cranberry bread. AND you worked all day too! Freaking incredible :)

You have totally been feeling like superwoman these days, and it's well-deserved. Hang in there, tomorrow is going to be even better! xoxo



Tuesday, March 29, 2011


Dear Me,

You know, you really do a great job of standing up for yourself when it truly counts. Good on ya for calling and speaking to the Member Grievance Manager today to complain about the bitch who chewed you out for no reason last week. I'm proud of you for not giving up, despite numerous derailments and setbacks, and I'm so glad to see that hope is still part of your vocabulary, no matter how cynical you might portray yourself.

Waiting is not easy, and I know that sometimes you just want to throw a tantrum, just scream and cry and stomp your feet. Please know that your feelings are justified. Somehow you manage to pull it together and face another day as a moderately sane person, not sure how, but I'm proud of you just the same.

I hope these words make your day even better, and I hope they give you a sense of hope and peace, if only for today. Tomorrow I will tell you more good things. xoxo

Love, You

Monday, March 28, 2011

Love Letters

I read somewhere, recently, that you could improve your general outlook on life simply by writing yourself a love letter once day for 14 days. I know this blog isn't getting much traction these days, and with my insurance approval still not finalized regardless of CD1's arrival, what else am I going to write about? So here is my first attempt at a positive love letter to myself.

Dear Me:

You are an amazing person, strong and resilient. I have no doubt that you can weather any storm. You are kind, and loving, and caring. You are talented too - if only you had enough time in the day to practice all the things that you love to do!

Here's the deal - life is never perfect. But at least it isn't boring, right? There is so much uncertainty in your life right now, but you can deal with whatever life throws your way. It's hard to be patient, but it will be worth it. The rest of your life will get started soon enough, and you have the rest of your life to enjoy the rest of your life.

Hang in there. Today is Monday, so tomorrow will be better!! xoxo

<3, You

Friday, March 11, 2011

I won! I won! I won a major award!

The Good Egg Blog Award

This is my first time being awarded anything like this. It's not that I was sad to be award-less, or even was jonesin' for an award, but it's nice just the same. I am flattered, and I feel loved. Which is pretty much what I needed right now.

Here’s how it works:
  1. Thank and link back to the person who gave me this award. Thanks again Jess of Brave New World!
  2. Share 7 things about yourself
  3. Award other bloggers (you determine who and how many)
  4. Contact these blogs and tell them about the award
I am of course such an open book, I'm not sure what things you might not know about me, but I will try!

1. I have lived two countries other than the U.S. - Holland and Saudi Arabia, but I don't speak any other language fluently.
2. I was OBSESSED about horses until I was a senior in high school, but have never owned one.
3. I was going to be a veterinarian until my vet school application was thwarted by my flaky undergrad advisor who never bothered to send in the recommendation she promised. Too bad I didn't have backups sent in as well, because that was the beginning of the rest of the mess that is now my life.
4. I don't make friends easily. Well, I make friends, but I don't open up easily, which keeps friends out of the "true friend" category. And I withdraw quickly too.
5. I was brought up vegetarian, and didn't eat meat until I was 12. I could easily walk away from meat at any time, and now that I have cut out dairy, I could even be vegan!
6. I am a hermit, and prefer to stay at home over almost any other option.
7. I am obsessed with lipgloss/stick/stain as well as gorgeous heels, but rarely wear either, despite having more than I will ever know what to do with.

Those were some pretty weak things, but I'm such an oversharer, I think most of you already know I want to do an Ironman someday, that I'm a little obsessed with nutrition and fitness, or that I am a die-hard liberal granola in a lot of ways. I do need to focus on other areas in my life other than infertility, that's for sure. And the more my life unravels, the less I think I will become a mom, so I need to get back on the "me" track.

Blogs that I love and deserve a good egg or two (in no particular order):

Mariluh's Own Personal Space in the Void
Close my Eyes and Leap
Bird-Day and other little quirks
Blog @ Mrs. Beth
California Girl Lost
Cotton Socks
My Ramblings

<3 you guys and I think about you all the time!

Sunday, March 6, 2011


I know some of my wonderful readers are having a WTF moment with me and my blog. I wish I could share more detail right now, but it's not really my info to share and it hasn't even been shared with that many people IRL.

What I can and have been sharing is my personal feelings and reactions to the turmoil in my life, you know? I'm hoping when things aren't so fresh and raw, I will be able to share more detail on the what, and in the meantime I can continue to share my feelings.

I have felt a lot better in the last few days. I went to acupuncture, I listened to my hypnosis app, I got things done around the house. I feel productive and that makes me feel better. I got an amazing deal on yarn so I have plenty of knitting to do. I'm going to paint my nails today.

There is a lot of uncertainty and I don't know exactly what is going to happen, but it's going to be okay.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

One step forward, two steps back

I'm not sure where to start, other than my life was essentially flipped upside down. In the wake of this upheaval, I am reeling, trying to regain my sanity and balance. I skipped Weight Watchers tonight, because I haven't been eating healthy or even tracking. In fact, I haven't been eating much at all. I'm also sick with a nasty head cold. I just didn't have the stamina or the will to sit in a room discussing weight loss after stepping on a scale.

I'm also pretty much a loner, especially when I'm feeling bad. It's not that I don't have friends to confide in. I do, and I do confide. But I don't want company. Not right now. Everyone has offered help in multiple ways, and offered to have dinner, or to have me come stay with them, but I don't want to. I want to spend nights resting in my own house, my own bed, with my dogs and my Tivo. I may not completely relish the silence, but it's much preferable to the effort that comes with being around people, even people you are close to.

The other consideration is my IVF cycle that we were supposed to start at the end of March, may be postponed. I don't know yet, because life is still uncertain. A lot could change in the next few weeks. I feel this sense of desperation in the pit of my stomach, but choosing to go forward with an IVF right now is probably not the most prudent thing I could do.

Well, one day at a time.