Tuesday, May 24, 2011

WTF Update

Here I go again....

Our WTF today was less formal. What could we really say? Obviously everyone involved was disappointed with the turnout of IVF 2.0

Of course I stated crying the minute we started. I'm a mess. I've been a mess for the last week, especially after finding out that the insurance would be fighting me on covering Follistim. Guess I should have spent even more time researching IVF and drugs. Who knew?

So we talked about what went wrong, but we don't really have any answers. We discussed how I was born with all the eggs I have, and my body can't make more, nor can we call up more follies than I start a cycle with. And then he laid it on me, starting with the statement that if he didn't mention this option, he wouldn't be doing his job. He suggested considering donor eggs.

Just because I was expecting it doesn't make it less of a blow.

We talked about options for meds. He truly believes that the ovaries can only handle 450 IU's of stims a day, so increasing my dosage won't work. He originally thought we should increase the Menopur since its FSH and LH, but at the same time, I had a better stimulation on 300 Follistim so maybe we do that and then add 150 of Menopur. I am going to let him decide, put my faith in him.

We also talked about the insurance not covering ICSI, the issues with COBRA, and finances, and how that is truly making our decision more difficult. And what happened next, dear reader, is why I love my RE. He decided to waive ICSI for us, to make it a little easier for us. I found out from the insurance coordinator, and if he was there with me, I would have given him the biggest hug.

So, here we go. One more cycle off, and then we're giving it one last shot. I can't do donor egg, financially. If we have to go donor egg, we would actually adopt. So my job from here on out is to relax and try not to stress, and to try to be positive. Any suggestions would be great.

Friday, May 13, 2011

IVF 2.0 is a Big Fat Failure and Blogger Sucks

I'm so freaking angry at Blogger right now. I needed help. I needed opinions and suggestions. But now it's too late, and the decision is made. Even though I'm not even confident that it was the right one.

They retrieved four eggs yesterday. At first, I was happy. It was at least one more than my first IVF. But then my RE called me to tell me that they really only had two mature, and the other two were not. He said that they would wait to see if those second two would mature overnight and could be ICSI'd, but to also consider freezing what we end up with and going for a third cycle so we could do a combo fresh and frozen transfer.

I didn't realize that I would have to make the decision so quickly. I had questions for him - what are the chances of this embie thawing okay? How can he assure us we can get more follies next time around? What would he recommend? I also had questions for the insurance person - how much more are we talking? What is this next cycle going to cost me? Is there a difference in cost between freezing or transferring now?

He said the chance of this embie surviving the thaw is 80%. He would definitely switch up my meds again, trying to get a better response, but he can't guarantee another cycle will work. I'm looking at two more months of COBRA ($1074), another $1150 for ICSI (how fucking lame that ICSI is the same amount whether they inject two or fifteen fucking eggs), and the copays for drugs. So about $2500 in addition to what I already put on the credit card. Not free, but not full cycle costs.

I should be thankful. Although now that I've decided and it's already frozen, I'm pretty much kicking myself for not giving that one embie a shot. It doesn't matter what I do at this point, I will still be thinking "what if" and that sucks. If I transferred the one and had to cycle again, it would take four more vacation days and $500 additional for the assisted hatching, so not a big difference in cost. I can thaw it if I want to, but now that's it's already frozen, I'm sure the chances of success dip considerably.

The hardest part of all of this is putting my life on hold. Again. Still. No running for me, no racing. No finding another job. I had plans to visit my mom since I haven't seen her in two years. I was going to cancel it if I was pregnant and on activity restriction, but at least I had something to look forward to: either being KTFU or seeing my mom. Now I have nothing to look forward to. Except more injections, another surgery, more work and money stress, and the chance that it still won't happen or work. I'm so done at this point. I want to walk away like I had originally planned. I hate the fucking universe right now. I think the hardest part is I can now cry without crying, if that makes any sense. I used to only be able to cry fully, face wrenched, voice breaking, full breakdown style. Now I apparently can have full conversations that involve my finances and future as a parent, with tears that just run down my face, as if they aren't connected to any emotion at all. Just a random physiological response that I am unable to control.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Thoughts on Surgery

Now that my part is over, I should be able to relax. However, after my last injection last night, I've been thinking. Mostly about surgery. Remembering that I need to remove all my jewelry, can't drink or eat after midnight, have to wear comfortable clothing, etc. I'm not really worried about the catheter it the surgery itself, being put under anesthesia or any of that.

I'm nervous about how bad the anesthesia burns when they inject it. Weird right? I know intellectually it will only be a few seconds, but I remember how agonizing that pain was. Ugh. So dumb.

I'm also not looking forward to how bad I'm going to feel like I have to pee when I wake up. I hope this time I remember that I won't need to and it's just irritation from the catheter. Because being all looped in the bathroom, trying not to fall over and break my head open while I fruitlessly attempt to empty my already empty bladder, is not the best choice.

I am looking forward to the floaty feeling I'll get before they actually put me under, and the awesome nap I'll get tomorrow afternoon.

Here we go. But first, the last bath I will have for 12 weeks and a good night's sleep.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

IVF 2.0 Update, Day 13, Trigger tonight

So, apparently I know nothing. However, WTF body? How did my largest follie grow 5 in one stinking day???

Lining: 11.5
R: 24 (WTF!), 20, 18, 18
L: 13
Cyst: still around 30

So, pretty much sure I will trigger tonight. Which totally fucks my week. Worst possible day because there is a lot of crap happening at work that day and I know my boss is going to be uber pissed, along with other people who won't know anything about my situation. Not that anyone at work really knows anything, but I mean, surgery is surgery no matter what it's for, and I'm not going to go blabbing on to everyone about it.

Now I am thinking (almost hoping) for a three day transfer. At least then I can participate in another big work related event, one that I really wanted to attend. I really wanted a five day transfer to make sure we transferred the best possible embies, but when you realistically will have four at the most, and RE would recommend to transfer 3-4 ::choke:: we might as well get them in there at three days. No sense in letting them hang out in a petri dish, possibly waiting to die.

Now, you want to hear the weird part? RE might actually have me stim tonight as well. Possibly to try and catch those 18's up. That's why he gets paid the big bucks. Please universe, please make this work.

Monday, May 9, 2011

IVF 2.0 Update, Day 12 of stims

Lining: 11.5
R: 19, 17, 16, 15
L: 12 (found something behind that big ol' cyst! Doubt it will do anything, but here's to that bitch hope)

At least one more night of stims, possibly two. I have a feeling I will be triggering on Wednesday with ER on Friday, which only partially screws my best laid plans. Hahaha

So tentatively:

Tonight: 225 Follistim, 225 Menopur, Ganirelix
Tomorrow: 225 Follistim, 225 Menopur, Ganirelix
Wednesday: Trigger + Ganirelix
Thursday: No shots!
Friday: ER

We'll see if I'm right.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

IVF update, Day 11 of stims

Happy Mothers Day. What a lovely day to be infertile. Please detect the sarcasm. Today I celebrate with a dildocam date, a blood draw and three injections later tonight.

Fortunately, the cyst on my left ovary hasn't grown since yesterday and my RE isn't concerned. There is some hope (pesky hope) that there might be another follie behind it, we will see.

R: 17, 15, 13, 12

At this rate, I seriously wonder when ER will be. Originally, I expected to stim the same amount of time as my last IVF, which would have meant a Monday retrieval. Not so much this time! I wouldn't be surprised if we did it Friday, which puts a big old crimp in my schedule. But, as my infertile sisters already know, you can't make concrete plans if you can't get knocked up on your own.

So happy mothers day, you sexy mother fuckers! If you can have a mimosa, please have one for me!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

IVF 2.0 Update, day 10 of stims

Empty left follicle has grown to 30. LH is down so there is no egg in there. Nobody has called it a cyst yet, but I'm wondering.

Right: 16, 15, 13, 11. Not great IMO. Now I am wondering about a canceled cycle.

Friday, May 6, 2011

IVF 2.0 Update, CD11, Day 9 of Stims

Still progressing, but will need more meds.

Lining: 8
Right: 15, 15, 13, 13
Left: 18 however, RE thinks it's a leftover follicle from last cycle and doesn't have an egg in it :(

He thinks I will start Ganirelix tonight, but will call me to confirm. I have at least 3 more nights of stimming, and thanks to another Twitter Sister Infertile, I am getting the menopur to get me through at least Monday (I'm still good on Follistim, thank goodness, that stuff is pricey!).

So the bad news is that now I'm down to four. Fortunately, they are all growing fairly equally, so maybe I will get four eggs, hopefully four embies. Of course, all I want is one pregnancy. That's all I need to get out of this. I am hoping my eating habits, my supplements, my new protocol and my acu appointments are making these eggs big and strong and healthy.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Follie Check, CD9, Day 7 of Stims

Still only 6, that's about all I'm going to hope for at this point.

R: 13, 11, 10, 9
L: 11, 9
Lining: 10.1

Part of me is a little bummed about only having six follies. I guess in some ways, it's validation for me not to try again. We weren't planning on it anyway, between $537 per month in COBRA and $2500-3000 per cycle for copays, ICSI, assisted hatching, etc., this was a one shot deal for us. We were hoping to have something to freeze, but my RE recommends transferring "more" than two. I got the impression he would practically transfer everything I had. Of course, if all six are awesome and survive until day 5, then maybe not, but seriously, what are the chances of that happening? So this is the last hurrah, and I am at peace with that. But still hoping for all six to make it. Grow follies, grow!

Monday, May 2, 2011

IVF 2.0 Update: Day 5 of Stims monitoring appt

Not much to update, this is just so I can remember :)

4-5 follies on my right, 2 (maybe more) on my left, largest measuring about 12. Lining at 9. Next follie check on Wednesday, stay with the same meds unless Dr Calls me to change anything. No Ganirelix yet.

So far, so good.