Friday, May 13, 2011

IVF 2.0 is a Big Fat Failure and Blogger Sucks

I'm so freaking angry at Blogger right now. I needed help. I needed opinions and suggestions. But now it's too late, and the decision is made. Even though I'm not even confident that it was the right one.

They retrieved four eggs yesterday. At first, I was happy. It was at least one more than my first IVF. But then my RE called me to tell me that they really only had two mature, and the other two were not. He said that they would wait to see if those second two would mature overnight and could be ICSI'd, but to also consider freezing what we end up with and going for a third cycle so we could do a combo fresh and frozen transfer.

I didn't realize that I would have to make the decision so quickly. I had questions for him - what are the chances of this embie thawing okay? How can he assure us we can get more follies next time around? What would he recommend? I also had questions for the insurance person - how much more are we talking? What is this next cycle going to cost me? Is there a difference in cost between freezing or transferring now?

He said the chance of this embie surviving the thaw is 80%. He would definitely switch up my meds again, trying to get a better response, but he can't guarantee another cycle will work. I'm looking at two more months of COBRA ($1074), another $1150 for ICSI (how fucking lame that ICSI is the same amount whether they inject two or fifteen fucking eggs), and the copays for drugs. So about $2500 in addition to what I already put on the credit card. Not free, but not full cycle costs.

I should be thankful. Although now that I've decided and it's already frozen, I'm pretty much kicking myself for not giving that one embie a shot. It doesn't matter what I do at this point, I will still be thinking "what if" and that sucks. If I transferred the one and had to cycle again, it would take four more vacation days and $500 additional for the assisted hatching, so not a big difference in cost. I can thaw it if I want to, but now that's it's already frozen, I'm sure the chances of success dip considerably.

The hardest part of all of this is putting my life on hold. Again. Still. No running for me, no racing. No finding another job. I had plans to visit my mom since I haven't seen her in two years. I was going to cancel it if I was pregnant and on activity restriction, but at least I had something to look forward to: either being KTFU or seeing my mom. Now I have nothing to look forward to. Except more injections, another surgery, more work and money stress, and the chance that it still won't happen or work. I'm so done at this point. I want to walk away like I had originally planned. I hate the fucking universe right now. I think the hardest part is I can now cry without crying, if that makes any sense. I used to only be able to cry fully, face wrenched, voice breaking, full breakdown style. Now I apparently can have full conversations that involve my finances and future as a parent, with tears that just run down my face, as if they aren't connected to any emotion at all. Just a random physiological response that I am unable to control.

4 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry that this wasn't to be the cycle. I can't tell you to keep hope when I too know how hard it is at times. I really hate the fact that we are having such troubles conceiving.
    Blogger let a lot of us down yesterday.
    I'll keep hope that the frozen one will transfer without a hitch next cycle. Wish I could help you more than just my words of ((( Hugs ))) and "I have hope".

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  2. Im really sorry about all of your setbacks :( I would've made the same decision you did with freezing. At least with your next cycle, you will have in the back of your mind that no matter how or what eggs they retrieve, you'll have one good one to transfer. And I know exactly how to cry without crying too :( Hang in there!

    ((Big Hug))

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  3. I'm so sorry things are a bust right now. It sounds like so much all at once right now. Thinking of you.

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  4. They really shouldn't make it harder on us by giving us impossible decisions to make like this. All we can do is our best- you've done your best- don't be hard on yourself or second guess.

    I'm hoping your baby is frozen in time, and one day you'll joke with him/her about how his/her birthday should really be X months earlier.

    Sending huge hugs. xxx

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