Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Bad Places

I'm a bad blogger. I just haven't had the energy. I go to work and come home and veg in front of the TV until I go to bed. It's quite the glamorous life.

I have also been trying to be more positive, but of course haven't done the exercises from either the Bounce Back Book or The Spark.

I feel like I'm on a runaway train, with no ability to stop it. I have put so much of my life on hold, spent so much money, put myself through so much heartache. I wish this was all behind me. I am so ready to move on. But I have to endure one more cycle.

Of course, I hope beyond hope that this cycle is it. I hope that I end up pregnant and that is the end of the crap, even though I know it won't be the end of my anxiety. If I end up pregnant, all this will have been worth it.

I'm afraid I won't end up pregnant. And of course that will mean I will regret every single dollar spent, all the things I passed up in order to go through treatment, all the plans that I canceled. I already feel cheated. Is it possible to feel even more cheated? There are many times I ask the question all infertiles ask: "why me?" I have adequate haters that would say I deserve it, it's karma, or my negativity brought it on myself. Don't think all of the above haven't crossed my mind multiple times a day.

I know I should think of all the ways I am lucky. I am very lucky to have the opportunity to do IVF. But how lucky am I really when I need IVF in the first place?

So now I wait. The rollercoaster has crested the last big peak and we are about to speed through the rest of the ride. Let's hope my stupid fucking period comes at the beginning of the fucking week next week. If I'm late, I'm going to be so pissed off.

2 comments:

  1. It makes me sad that you are so sad, but I get it. In my experience these thought patterns are nearly impossible to break free of but I know you can do it. You know I'm pulling for you.
    XO, peeps

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  2. omg. Yeah. The regret of all the crap i've put myself through and all the money I've spent and all the missed opportunities and vacations and cocktails and the whole entire lack of being able to plan anything. It sucks.

    I do so hope this is your cycle.

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