Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Over before it starts?

So, I got up extra early this morning to get to my RE appt, get my antral counts and have my blood drawn for CD2 labs. I had 3-4 follies on each side which was good. Was given my protocol (0.2ml Lupron for three days, 300 Gonal-f and 150 Menopur), come back for follie check on Saturday. We decided to up the Gonal-f this time, since my response was better back in November when I was on 300 Follistim. I'm all set to start stims!

And then I get the phone call.

This time it was my RE, not my nurse. Which always means bad news. FSH is at an all time high of 16, up from fucking 5 last cycle. WTF! He doesn't like to start a cycle at anything over 15, but since it's borderline, he is letting me make my own decision. He would prefer to wait a month and test again, but that puts us into another month of hell, another month of life interrupted. He knows how much I canceled for this cycle, this cycle that I wasn't supposed to do in the first place.

So I'm choosing to move forward and start stims tonight anyway.

I need encouragement. I'm so angry at myself for not keeping up with my acupuncture, for not drinking my wheatgrass like I should have, for cheating with dairy way too much. But honestly, how much could any of this affect my actual response to drugs? FSH isn't everything, right? Even if I lowered it last cycle with these lifestyle therapies, it couldn't have possibly helped my actual response, could it? I feel like I fucked up big time by not taking care of myself like I should have.

I'm so angry at everything right now.

I guess we'll see what happens. If I don't respond and we don't go to ER, then I save myself $537 in COBRA for next month.

4 comments:

  1. Sorry for all your going through! Don't give up hope! Your RE wouldn't give you the option if it was a complete no go to do it this time!

    Really will be thinking of you and praying & hoping all goes well for you.

    Take lots of care and go easy on yourself *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  2. Don't give up. FSH is only a number - your AFC is where the real story is at.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Just wanted to say I'm thinking great thoughts for you. I don't know if it helps, but wanted you to know that a stranger out there was wishing for you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Don't beat yourself up too much. If there is anything IF has taught us its that you can do everything right and end up with a BFN and do everything wrong and get KTFU. I hope this is it for you. ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for commenting!