Sunday, July 3, 2011

Day 12 of stims? Maybe? And random thoughts on infertility

Lining: 12
R: 19, 17, 17, 15, 12, 11
L: 8 or smaller, so nothing

Doc is pretty confident that we'll trigger tomorrow, ER Wednesday. We're close, and I can really only hope for three eggs at most this time. I have people asking about what's next, and my answer is "nothing."

I guess that's not really true, as silly as I am, I will probably still track my periods and hope for a miracle, but as I've said a hundred times, no more treatment. Sometimes the person asking had a sad, puzzled look and it makes me reconsider what this means to my life. I am giving up, and I am okay with that.

I guess because I am okay with it, I know that this is the right decision. Will I be sad? Of course, but a part of me will be relieved. Hopefully, I won't wallow. Actually, hopefully Austin Danger Powers will latch on and not let go. But I know I'm going to be okay.

Can I go off on a tangent about that too? I was having a conversation about special needs children and the other person said "special people have special kids" and it got me thinking, is that why I'm infertile? I've always prided myself on being a strong person. Am I infertile because I can handle it? Are the clueless fertiles only fertile because they can't handle the alternative? I don't know, but it makes me feel a little better, if not a little superior. ;)

So universe, if you're listening, I can't handle another bfn. You might know I'm lying, but let's just pretend this one time. :)

4 comments:

  1. Best of luck! And of course infertiles are stronger than fertiles; we're also smarter. :)

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  2. Good luck A! I hope those little ones catch up and you have a very successful trigger today!

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