Monday, July 18, 2011

Dreaming of Peeing

I'm terrified to pee. Well, actually, I'm terrified to pee on a stick. Last night, I dreamt I peed on two different sticks, and in my dream, I was pregnant. Now that I am awake, I'm terrified again.

I have had countless symptoms over the last 5 days or so, but I think most of them can be attributed to my progesterone shots or an overactive imagination. Or something that's psychosomatic. Short periods of nausea, random headaches, and overwhelming feeling of exhaustion (I'm sleeping 10 hours a night for fuck's sake, and desperately want naps too), hot flashes, salt and vinegar cravings (although those may be normal for me), body aches, etc. I feel like I have the flu without actually being sick. PIO is the devil.

Part of me can't actually comprehend a bfp. In the 3+ years we have been trying, I've never even so much as had a chemical pregnancy. I've never even seen an evaporation line. I keep telling myself that with three embryos on board, we have a really good shot at this happening, but all I have ever seen is stark white pee sticks. Emotionally I can't handle scrutinizing it for that second line, squinting my eyes to try and force a faint shadow to appear.

The last time we actually transferred embryos, the 2 week wait really got under my skin. I thought I saw spotting, which I knew was probably the Crinone, and thought my positive pee stick would ease my mind until my Beta, which was still four days away. Not so much. I plunged into a pit of despair so deep that nothing could pull me out. I cried for the four days leading up to the official news, bfn. Back then, I was desperate because I didn't think we could afford any more cycles, and my body didn't produce anything for a future FET. Now I'm desperate because even though we could potentially afford more cycles, there really isn't any reason for them, as my ovaries are shutting down. Life is an ironic bitch sometimes.

I'm hoping that I won't see that pit again, but just in case I will, I think I deserve a few more days of blissful ignorance.

3 comments:

  1. The crazy insanity of a 2ww... I can relate.... I know the awful glare of a stark white pee stick and it is the worst form of torture. Hoping you finally see that second line!!!

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  2. A normal 2WW is the pits. After a boatload of money, injections, time, emotion...well, suspense doesn't get much worse than that.
    Rock on sister. And go digital. When you get some good news I want it to be delivered to you with a smiley face.
    XOXO,
    peeps

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  3. I understand well the 2ww hell. Yes, the progesterone can cause all those symptoms sine I'm experiencing them all with my levels being screwy and the two ovarian cysts right now, CD38 and going still.
    I have hope for you. Good luck.

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