Monday, July 25, 2011

How did I get so lucky?

First, the nitty gritty:

HCG: 491
Progesterone: 33.5

I'm really pregnant. This is really happening. I can't even tell you how insanely happy and blessed I feel.

And yet I still think of my infertile sisters and brothers, still struggling. Why am I seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and they aren't? I don't know. I also don't know why pregnancy comes so easy for some, and so hard for others, and I definitely fall in to the latter category. I'm no less deserving that the woman who got her BFP the first cycle she tried, and I'm no more deserving that the couple still waiting for their bfp after multiple IUI's and/or IVF's. I'm also no more deserving than those who choose not to pursue ART, because that is such a personal decision, fueled by money and beliefs.

Am I feeling some survivor's guilt? Maybe a little, but I also have to remember that I've worked for this. Over three years of TTC, this was my 43rd cycle. My husband and I have been through two RE's, an HSG, an SHG, two urologists, multiple SA's, an unsuccessful varicocele surgery, countless blood tests and ultrasounds, three bottles of PNV's, a crapload of wheatgrass, acupuncture, 3 IVF's, 12 eggs, 5 embies, 2 transfers, and 42 bfn's. I could also go into everything I gave up - dairy, multiple running races, four (and counting) TNT Coaching seasons, two planned vacations, my fear of needles, my modesty, and the ability to make plans more than a day or two in advance.

Was it all worth it? FUCK YEAH! Would I have done another cycle is this one didn't work? No, mentally, I had already moved on.

I feel so fortunate that my body and embryos decided to do what they are supposed to, when it counted the most. While we were so fortunate to get insurance to cover IVF, it was still in the range of $1500-2500 per cycle which was hard for us. By no means was it anywhere near the normal cost for an IVF cycle. And thank goodness for that, because when we were told over two years ago that our only chance to get pregnant was IVF with ICSI, there was no way we could afford one cycle, much less the three we ended up doing. Maybe my eggs would have been better back then, but there's no way to know.

Anyway, I've paid my dues, and I'm hoping I will serve as a beacon of HOPE for those still struggling, going into their nth assisted cycle. My heart is still with all of you in the trenches, and I hope I get to congratulate you very, very soon. xoxoxo

8 comments:

  1. I absolutely know what you mean about the survivor's guilt. But don't let it diminish from your journey--you absolutely, completely deserve this! Congratulations!!

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  2. I really wish my insurance would cover IVF costs. $7.500 is the least amount thus far I've been quoted and it has a one year wait list. I'll be too old by then with their 43 yr old cut off. I don't want to give up yet, I have very little hope left and my life is going to seem really empty for a while as I deal with this. I'm so glad that they were able to help you. You deserve this happiness. Just don't forget to post ultrasound photos and often. I want to watch your baby grow. Good luck!

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  3. I was wondering when you would get another beta. YAY!!!!

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  4. Congratulations Ananda! I'm so happy for you!

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  5. SOOOOOOOOOO beyond belief happy for you! Best wishes and you totally deserve this!

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  6. so excited for you. The "survivor's guilt" is totally normal IMO.

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  7. So so happy for you- I can't even say how much so! I feel the "survivor's guilt" too, but I remind myself that my story- and yours and others here too- are those stories that gave me hope when it all seemed so impossible. Congrats again- you deserve every moment of joy to come!

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