Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Inner Dialogue

How did I get here? I was saying that while I was still pregnant. 43 cycles and 42 BFN's, but one BFP! One BFP that continued to grow and thrive! It seemed like a dream come true.

How did I get here? 43 cycles, 42 BFN's and a miscarriage. Now it seems like a nightmare come true. My pregnancy already seems fuzzy and so far away, that it's almost surreal, like it never happened.

I never thought I would be infertile. When I husband and I started to try, I learned about charting and thought it would be easy, like shooting fish in a barrel. Charting and knowing when you ovulate is almost cheating! Except when your husband's sperm is lacking. And by the time we got the opportunity to do IVF, my eggs were lacking. Such a cruel joke.

I haven't slept one good night since we found out. I've been going to sleep between 11 pm and Midnight, but I've been waking up at 5:00 am every morning and unable to go to sleep unless I lay there for a few hours. Today I woke up at 3:40 am. I remember a therapist I had years ago told me that insomnia could indicate two things: if you can't go to sleep, you have anxiety, and if you wake up in the middle of the night, you are depressed.

Of course I'm depressed. Who wouldn't be?

But the worst thing I am facing now is the stigma of infertility and the lack of compassion for miscarriage. Especially from my work. I am currently the breadwinner, so I don't have much of a choice but to go back, but I have resentment. Resentment for the stress they put me through, the stress that I will still have to endure when I return. They said they were sorry to hear, but I don't get real concern from them. I resent that. I guess I should cut them slack, since very few people know how to respond and when they do, it's shit.

Anyway, my D&C has been completed, my post op scheduled for next week, and our WTF/WDWDN (what do we do next) is scheduled for the week after. But I can't help thinking about our first OB appt that should have been this afternoon.


  1. I think there is something truly terrible about loss after IF. Clearly all loss is tragic, but I remember the dread and fear that happened after my loss (came after 4 failed ivf cycles) about never getting pregnant again.
    Miscarriage is largely marginalized, I have no clue why. Please take care of yourself and seek out support and help where you can.
    sending much love and healing your way....

  2. I agree that it's sad how little compassion people have towards you when u miscarry. I wish there was a way to teach people when you hear of a pregnancy loss, no matter when in the prganancy it happens, and you dont know what to say don't as assinine or ignore it say I'm sorry and leave it at that. thinking of you often.

    I think the best piece of advice I've received thru all of our losses is be gentle with yourself.

  3. I wish more people knew how to be compassionate. But lets be real, most don't give a flying fig unless somehow your tragedy inconveniences their own life. Its sad but true. I've even noticed that with family because we are now living on the other side of the continent from them.

    Luckily we all have our friends, they understand us best...well we hope they do. They are the ones that we go to for support.

    Wishing I could hug you and let you vent to me in person.

  4. Going back to work was rough for me since i felt like I had a giant scarlet letter was painted on my face. I was lucky that my boss had experienced the same loss so she went easy on me but everyone else had a hard time finding the right words.

    The whole situation is crap and my heart breaks right along side yours. Ironically enough my first OB appointment ended up being my pre-D&C appointment. It was a sick twist of fate and I wish things had been different for the both of us.

    Lots and lots of hugs coming your way. I'll see you when I get back but in the meantime, like cgd said be easy on yourself.

  5. "shooting fish in a barrel" - I thought that too. You said it perfectly. I was so naive.

    When it comes to miscarriage: I think that it is possible for others to empathize IF they want to. It seems that so few want to though. I have found that the only ones who understand are women who have experienced it.

    By the by, the first few days of this hormonal nose-dive were the worst, by far, for me. It was so unexpected too. I hope that things start to stabilize for you soon so that you can make the next steps and decisions from a clear head and quiet heart.


  6. Thinking of you and sending healing vibes your way, I wish there was something I could do to help.
    Holding your hand xx

  7. thinking of you lots. Wishing you didn't have to deal with this. {{hugs}}

  8. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. ((hugs))


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