Saturday, August 27, 2011

Today I am Angry

Like cussing, crying, hatinum literally) g other people angry.

I know it's not their fault, but it's also not fair. Why do so many people have kids and we don't? Like the guy today that let his toddler climb up on a low brick wall and didn't say anything or even walk over to him. Was I supposed to catch him if he fell? WTF.

Or my crackhead cousin that is annoyed at me for not RSVP'ing to her baby shower for #2. I would have told her no, if she had bothered to give an email address for the RSVP. Like I want to call and talk to her. Hopefully she was able to stay off the smack for this pregnancy, maybe they won't take this child away from her.

I honestly don't know what else the universe can throw at me. I have had more tragedy in my life than I even care to talk about. It could always be worse, but I have had many a day where I felt like Brian in the Monty Python movie, starting when I was a child. I don't know if it's karma coming back from a past life, or maybe this one? Maybe since I'm not usually a positive person, I just bring negativity into my life. All I know is that when we actually got pregnant and it wasn't a chemical pregnancy or a blighted ovum, I truly thought the universe was going to pick on someone else for a while. I mean, after what we have endured, this pregnancy should have gone to term. Three separate fresh IVF cycles, and nothing to show for it but a miscarriage. I have no frosties, I have little hope for frosties. I have little hope that another IVF (or four) will bring us our take home baby, but now that we have tasted success it's hard to walk away.

I was so done when we started our third IVF, I was ready to move on to trying on our own again, possible adoption and maybe even child free. I felt like I needed to have my life (and my body) back. And now all I can think about is getting pregnant again as quickly as possible. I don't want to not be pregnant. I also hope I have triplets next time, so I have a couple spares. That might seen like a joke, but I assure you, it's not. Not really.

And for all of those people who say I shouldn't wish for morning sickness, my morning sickness subsided the day I believe my embryo died. So I hope my next pregnancy has me puking all day and all night for the full first trimester.

Then all I have to worry about is pre-term labor, a stillborn baby, and SIDS. And then if I get past all that, I get to worry about all kinds of other things. :/

7 comments:

  1. there really is nothing to say but it all fucking sucks. I wish I could make it better somehow. sending lots of hugs

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  2. I can understand the anger and tears quite well. Seems as though there always women out there pregnant and flaunting their fertility when we are suffering our loses.

    Sending you hugs and healing thoughts.

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  3. I'm tearing up right now because I cannot imagine the hurt you are going through. I am sending you love and hugs, and hope you meet your future child soon.

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  4. When I read your previous post 2 days ago my very first thought was to God and it wasn't very nice. I might be going to hell but I wish the universe would quit fucking with you.

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  5. I know exactly how you are feeling. Anger is the fiercest of the emotions I experienced after my losses too. It's unbelievably unfair. Thinking of you.

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  6. Crying tears for you, hun... I know all of those feelings & thoughts all too well. And honestly, they subside a bit. Maybe go into hiding for a period of time here and there, but they are always there. The anger is normal. Just feel what you need to feel & keep using your blog to help you wade through all of this. Big ((HUGS))...

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