Sunday, August 28, 2011

Why are mornings so much harder?

I've been waking up in the middle of the night and unable to go back to sleep. And of course the longer I am awake, the less I am able to fight the cry. I know my eggs are shit and that's why the baby is going to come back chromosomally abnormal. Just like Young Frankenstein. The took AB Normal's eggs.

I've been thinking about my eggs a lot lately. I knew it would be hard to walk away from passing along my genetic code, but I didn't realize it could be this much harder. I guess I thought if my eggs were too shitty to ever turn into a growing baby, then we walk away. But my eggs were only good enough to get me through a couple months of pregnancy. Is that more or less encouraging than never getting pregnant at all? My husband is more encouraged. I am not encouraged, but I also don't want to give up. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Those are not the words I should be saying in a few years.

My grandmother (my father's mother) passed away a month before I met my husband. She was a few years into her 90's so she lived a long life, and was fairly healthy until the end. Back then, I had little to no desire for children. I only wanted then if I met the right guy, and I wasn't holding my breath. I now wish that I had asked her about her childbearing experience. My mother once mentioned that she had a hard time getting pregnant, and I vaguely remember hearing a story about her first love being killed in the war (WWII?), so my grandfather was her second husband? Not sure if she was married before.

I remember my grandfather's death like it was yesterday. It was 1984 and he was 64. Far too young, cancer sucks. I found my grandmother's obituary the other day while I was cleaning out what was to be the baby's room, and realized she was 12 years older than my grandfather. I also realized that she was 41, almost 42 when she gave birth to my father. That was in 1950!

Who knows what the diagnosis would have been if this was 2010? MFI? Or some other issue? I'll never know. My grandmother never talked about things like that, and my dad wouldn't either. Plus, did they do testing back then? Did they even know what to look for? But I guess in a way it gives me hope. I hope I inherited her eggs, the strong ones that were able to create a pregnancy in her 40's. Since I will now be 39 by the time I could even hope to have a child.

So, why are mornings that much harder than the rest of the day? And why do I continue to go off on these tangents when writing this blog? These questions might remain a mystery.

7 comments:

  1. Sharing your thoughts and feelings in your blog often helps with the healing process.

    I've learned a lot about IVF through your blog and the blog of other infertiles like me.

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  2. Mornings are hard right now because your loss is so recent and waking to reality is hard (my opinion).

    Keep believing in the good eggs you've inherited! You will find your egg!

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  3. Gloria Vanderbilt gave birth to Anderson Cooper when she was 43. We can totally do this.

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  4. Thinking of you, and hope each morning gets a little easier. Will be holding you in my thoughts tomorrow especially.

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  5. I just fell opon your blog and it made me cry. My thoughts are with you and I hope like hell things work out.
    Love from a stranger.

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  6. {{hugs}} for getting through today. Even if they do find something chromosomal, it could be a fluke. Lots and lots of women have healthy babies in their late 30s and early 40s. I'm praying that you will too.

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  7. I'm reading all your latest posts in one day, I'm so sorry this has happened, it's incredibly unfair.
    I hope each morning things get a little better. Take care xx

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