Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Insomnia

This might be the toughest decision I have ever made. 

Some of you might know that I was laid off last week. Well, I have a job offer, less than a week later. However, this offer comes with a price - walking away from IVF.

The only reason we can afford IVF is because we still have cobra health insurance that covers it. Cobra is expensive and I'm not sure how much longer we can keep it going, especially with  both of us being unemployed. But we were counting on one more cycle with a new protocol that maybe would make all the difference.

Well, now I'm possibly not going to see another cycle. If I take this job, I won't have the opportunity to cycle again until next summer at the earliest, and we can't afford to keep cobra that long. Plus, this new position requires that I move, and there isn't an RE for 200 miles so cycling would be a major undertaking. And my ovaries are already uncooperative - I can't imagine another year is going to help.

This position would be a good move for my career, but more than that, it is a paycheck. Who knows when my next opportunity would come? And would it be as good? Also, am I delusional to think that another IVF cycle would be the magic ticket? Even my doctor thinks the chances are slim.

I also have to admit, I'm tired of my entire life revolving around IVF. I want to lose weight, but afraid cutting calories or exercising too much would impact my egg quality. I want to run again, and I want to sign up for races, but can never commit just in case I'm cycling or even pregnant and not allowed to exercise at all. I would love to have a "normal" pregnancy, and could even be hopeful for it since I still ovulate and my husband's numbers are improving tremendously. 

There is one more component to this dilemma - my marriage. My husband wants to move with me, but the move would not be good for his career. So, there is the possibility that he might have to stay behind to work on his career, maybe even up to a year. Not sure how I will deal with that, it's already making me cry. Plus, only seeing him a few times a month will severely hamper our chances of a miracle pregnancy. It also feels weird to be considering my career over his, since I would love for him to have the career and for me to be a stay at home mom.

So, do I take the one sure thing in my life, this job? I have to decide in a few hours and it's giving me insomnia

6 comments:

  1. Congrats on the job offer, but wow does it come at a huge price :-( Could you take the job and look for a more accommodating one in the interim? Good luck.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow! These are big questions. Sheesh. I'm sure you've thought of everything, but just to throw one thing out there...is there any possibility of keeping the cobra from the old job through one more cycle and turning down the benefits from the new one during that period? Is that even allowed? Or is there any way to put off starting the new job until after an upcoming cycle? I don't know what kind of work you do or how amenable they would be to something like "I can start December 1."

    Putting off your life in case of cycling sucks. I start training for a tri with TNT last winter and dropped out in March when we did our first IVF cycle...which was unsuccessful. Followed by another in April...which was unsuccessful. You just never know what's going to work and what's going to feel like a waste, which is beyond frustrating.

    And the idea of living apart...yikes. That's rough stuff. Many hugs for you as you sift through all this heavy thinking.

    xoxo
    lady pumpkin
    @madampumpkin

    ReplyDelete
  3. The combination of moving you away from your husband and removing your IVF options seems like a pretty costly downside to the offer. Maybe you should look at the offer as a great sign that you're employable, and look for something close to home.

    I definitely understand wanting your life to be about more than IVF, but I think you can find an option that gives you choice, rather than taking it away.

    *hugs* Good luck with the decision.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm sorry you're faced with such a tough decision, hugs..

    My comment is pretty much the same as Brave IVF girl's...the combination of living apart from your hubby and no more cycles in near future sounds like too high a price to pay. Not to mention uprooting your life to a whole new location on top of that.

    It sounds like you're employable so I would say keep looking closer to home (or for something else further away that won't compromise your marriage/hubby's chances and IVF potential).

    Also, especially since you said you were hoping to be a SAHM, I wouldn't let your career choice override everything else in your life - it sounds like other life priorities are more important to you.

    And I understand about feeling like cycling has your life on hold...I feel the same way about planning anything. It always comes with "Will I be cycling? Will I be pregnant?"

    ReplyDelete
  5. Not sure what to say on this one. Its a really tough choice. I totally understand you wanting to get your life back. I get that your egg quality issue can be depressing too. Add in that a new job might just be what you need to make you feel better but with the fact that you have to give up quality time with your spouse for a year well, its rough. As an Army wife, I know what its like to not have the husband unit around for a year at a time. Skype, phone calls, emails help but it really doesn't replace that hug that is so dear and much needed when I've had a hard day.

    You, in the end, with your husband need to make the decision that best fits you. If taking the job means that you can save up, which could take a bit of the financial worries away can be weighed against the worries of waiting that year and no IVF to come to a decision that in the end satisfies you both then you've got a plan. However, if you feel as though you might be losing that emotional support you need by taking the job far from home you need to consider that as well.

    Okay I've rambled on long enough. Congrats on the job offer. Good luck! I hope you find happiness in the path you decide to follow.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for commenting!