Sunday, September 11, 2011

More Jumbled Thoughts

I am doing better. I hardly cry anymore. Only once in a while when something strikes me just the right way. We have our WTF appointment tomorrow, and then it looks like we will be moving on to IVF #4.

Trying again brings a whole new level of fear to the table. When I got pregnant, I was afraid something would go wrong. I was trying to enjoy my pregnancy, but at first it was fear that my beta would not double. Then it was fear that we wouldn't see a heartbeat when the time came. And then there was this very slight fear that the baby's heart might stop, or I would go into pre-term labor, but I pushed those out of my mind. That can't happen to me.

But it did. And while the chances of it happening twice are very low, I can only imagine what a basket case I will be if I get pregnant again. I feel like I should make the decision to just immerse myself in it, enjoy it, but not sure I will be able to.

And there is always the fear that it won't work again.

I am trying to stay busy, playing on Pinterest, knitting, watching movies, spending time with my husband. Working too. Still hoping that my HCG is at zero soon, hopefully tomorrow. I want my period to start ASAP. But I guess not too soon, because I still need to get another IVF protocol approved, and drugs ordered. I don't yet know what I need, but I know I am going to be more demanding on the specific drugs after doing some research and talking to friends, so I know I will need some time to ensure I can get them.

I still miss running. But I'm afraid of it now too. I feel so weak after taking the last three months off of any activity. And I am afraid that running would be too hard on my developing eggs. Silly, I know. It's also hard, not knowing when I can race again. I really just hope that someday I am training with a jogging stroller.

3 comments:

  1. I read somewhere that having a miscarriage steals your innocence with regards to pregnancy. That statement has been rolling around in my mind since I miscarried in April. I think it's true.

    With Ada, sure I was worried...in a way that seems to qualify as normal concern. I can only imagine how anxious I will be if/when I'm lucky enough to carry another healthy baby to term. Then again, what qualifies as "normal concern" has reset based on experience. I just hope that when the time comes I am able to look forward with excitement - I hope you can too.

    XO,
    Peeps

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  2. I really hope IVF #4 is the one that brings you a happy, healthy baby. Good Luck!

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  3. I've been through all of those feelings too- I hear you about all the fears that come after miscarriage, and the running too. I hope with all my heart you will be running with a stroller soon- and that you will find a way to move past those fears. I'm here for you if there's anything I can do.

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