Friday, November 11, 2011

Landslide

It's amazing how, out of nowhere the pain comes flooding in. I've been living my life, busy as hell, enjoying everything and not thinking about babies, especially the one that died. And out of the blue, one comment sends me into a tailspin.

I've been crying for at least an hour and the pain sitting in my gut feels as strong as it ever has been. I understand it hasn't been long enough, but I did expect it to get weaker, like ice melting into a drink.

I know that tomorrow I will get up in the morning and go to work and act as if nothing has changed, but right now I feel lost, helpless, hopeless, despairing. My world is fucked up right now.

And I feel fat and old and ugly and unwanted. Infertility added pounds, and a miscarriage added more. I haven't been motivated to eat healthy either. I've only been out once to run. I haven't yet joined the gym. And when I see myself in pictures, I see my mom. Sometimes I don't know if my husband and I can survive this. And if I lose him, who would want me? Would I even want to be wanted?

"Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older and I'm getting older too
Oh, I'm getting older too"
~Stevie Nicks, "Landslide"

Tomorrow will be better. It has to be.

9 comments:

  1. Oh, honey. I don't know what in particular brought this on, but what a shitty way to be feeling. You are loved and lovable and this moment will pass. Give yourself time. Take care of you. xoxo

    @madampumpkin

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  2. It is normal, dear. I still have moments- the hurt & pain comes flooding in. It has been 1 year, 9 mos since my 1st loss; 9 mos since my 2nd loss and sometimes I still break down sobbing. But those moments have become fewer & more far between, but not less intense. Just let yourself feel those feelings & grieve. ((HUGS))

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  3. You don't know me, but I've followed you since first coming across your story on the Bump. I admit, at first I had a hard time understanding you, but I was pulled in, and I have rooted for you, a stranger, for quite a while now. I hold good thoughts for you, and am happy for you when good things come to you. There are also times when I read your posts and your pain leaps off the screen and takes hold of me. Take care of yourself Sweetie - there are many people out here pulling for you.

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  4. All I can say is that you need to make more time for you so that you heal. Since you love to run try to make a schedule up so that you have time to get that run in. We all need a little selfish time every day to make sure that we are well emotionally. Plain and simple its going to take time for you to learn to love yourself all over again.

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  5. Thinking of you and I'm sorry you had to hear whatever comment it was that brought back these feelings so strongly.

    ((hugs))

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  6. I am only beginning in my struggle with PCOS. I have found people who struggle with the same things we struggle with are very supportive individuals. Keep those people close and hold on tight!! That is what will keep you going!! Good luck and stay strong. You are worth it!!

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  7. sending you lots and lots of love. Tomorrow will be better

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  8. I'm sorry friend that it hit you again. It will happen in waves and sometimes its the smallest thing that you never thought would set you off that knocks you down hard. I think you're doing great and you have to be nicer to yourself and allow yourself to have those moments. I tried so hard to be strong and push through the hurt that it just all came flooding down months later. Hang in there, I promise it gets better and I'm here for you if you ever want to talk. xo.

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