Thursday, December 15, 2011

Always Updating

Yeah, I kinda fell off the planet there, didn't I?

Hopefully, soon, I will be actually blogging rather than doing a half assed update on what the fuck has been going on with me/my brain/my life. Once can dream.

The last few weeks have been rather off, mostly with regards to my place in this world. That sounds so cryptic. I guess I have been struggling to find my place with regards to having a family.

I knew moving away meant giving up on IVF. In some silly, stupid, school girl way, I thought maybe this would be my miracle. Giving up on IVF would somehow make my body cooperate. Instead, my husband is no longer willing to try.

I get it, 3.5 years of trying is exhausting, mind numbing torture. But I am also under no illusion that these things will just "happen." Hell, we could have impeccable timing and I still may never get pregnant, but to tell me that temping, OPK'ing, and the like puts too much pressure on you, well, we might as well give up completely.

Sometimes I think I'm okay with this. Other times I am a fucking mess about it. I have these waves of grief that wash over me, and then 30 minutes later, I feel like I'm over it. Part of me just wants to enjoy my husband. I am, but sometimes I wonder if that's enough.

I think the hardest part is that I am the odd man out, because I'm not a mom. All of my friends here are moms. And you know how smug moms can be. I just don't understand their trials and tribulations, or so I'm told.

And I think about what should have been. I should have celebrated my second trimester on my anniversary in September. I should be having the best Christmas ever. Woulda coulda shoulda.

Maybe I'm just never going to happy, no matter what.

That being said, I'm going to try. I need to try. I have let myself go in so many ways - gained weight, stopped running, stopped knitting, stopped getting my hair cut, stopped caring about myself in many ways. I'm starting to come back. Maybe it was that crush I had that made me start caring about myself again. I got my hair cut and highlighted, I started running again. I bought some new cute clothes. I pulled out the makeup again, and even bought a few new things. I joined Weight Watchers again. I hope I'm coming back.

3 comments:

  1. It's nice to hear from you. Be good to yourself. You have endured so much change in such a short period of time... I'm sure your emotions will catch up. I'm glad that you've started to take care of yourself again. Wishing you a merry Christmas and for good things to come your way in 2012!

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  2. It's nice to hear you are finding your way back to yourself. It's amazing the power and boost that cute clothes or a hair cut and color can do. Thinking of you...

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  3. I love you. Reading your post made me feel uneasy with my own feelings. I relate to everything.

    I'm glad you're coming around! Hugs and hugs to you.

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