Thursday, December 15, 2011

Always Updating

Yeah, I kinda fell off the planet there, didn't I?

Hopefully, soon, I will be actually blogging rather than doing a half assed update on what the fuck has been going on with me/my brain/my life. Once can dream.

The last few weeks have been rather off, mostly with regards to my place in this world. That sounds so cryptic. I guess I have been struggling to find my place with regards to having a family.

I knew moving away meant giving up on IVF. In some silly, stupid, school girl way, I thought maybe this would be my miracle. Giving up on IVF would somehow make my body cooperate. Instead, my husband is no longer willing to try.

I get it, 3.5 years of trying is exhausting, mind numbing torture. But I am also under no illusion that these things will just "happen." Hell, we could have impeccable timing and I still may never get pregnant, but to tell me that temping, OPK'ing, and the like puts too much pressure on you, well, we might as well give up completely.

Sometimes I think I'm okay with this. Other times I am a fucking mess about it. I have these waves of grief that wash over me, and then 30 minutes later, I feel like I'm over it. Part of me just wants to enjoy my husband. I am, but sometimes I wonder if that's enough.

I think the hardest part is that I am the odd man out, because I'm not a mom. All of my friends here are moms. And you know how smug moms can be. I just don't understand their trials and tribulations, or so I'm told.

And I think about what should have been. I should have celebrated my second trimester on my anniversary in September. I should be having the best Christmas ever. Woulda coulda shoulda.

Maybe I'm just never going to happy, no matter what.

That being said, I'm going to try. I need to try. I have let myself go in so many ways - gained weight, stopped running, stopped knitting, stopped getting my hair cut, stopped caring about myself in many ways. I'm starting to come back. Maybe it was that crush I had that made me start caring about myself again. I got my hair cut and highlighted, I started running again. I bought some new cute clothes. I pulled out the makeup again, and even bought a few new things. I joined Weight Watchers again. I hope I'm coming back.


  1. It's nice to hear from you. Be good to yourself. You have endured so much change in such a short period of time... I'm sure your emotions will catch up. I'm glad that you've started to take care of yourself again. Wishing you a merry Christmas and for good things to come your way in 2012!

  2. It's nice to hear you are finding your way back to yourself. It's amazing the power and boost that cute clothes or a hair cut and color can do. Thinking of you...

  3. I love you. Reading your post made me feel uneasy with my own feelings. I relate to everything.

    I'm glad you're coming around! Hugs and hugs to you.


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