Thursday, January 27, 2011

WW Weigh In, Week 5

Haha here we go again... I know I haven't been posting in my blog lately about these weigh in's, but I need to start.

Last week's weight: 184.8
This week's weight: 185.0
Difference: +0.2

I'm struggling a little bit with the program this week. The no point fruits and veggies thing is throwing me, I think. I mostly eat fruits and vegetables, so I'm often left with a surplus of points at the end of the day. And veggies like butternut squash and artichokes are free in any quantity.

I think I need to plan better.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Bad Nuts, Insurance Issues, the Economy and Other Reasons Why My Uterus is Empty

This is the letter I sent to the Ellen Show today.

"Boy meets girl when girl is mature and independent (read OLDER)
Boy and girl fall in love, get married, and try to have a baby
Boy is laid off
Boy and girl find out they are infertile
Boy and girl are too old to wait, and spend thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant
Boy finds job after 21 months of being unemployed, but Boy and Girl are still struggling to catch up, and Girl's fertile days are numbered

My husband had varicocele, a physical condition that caused our infertility (hence the bad nuts). He underwent surgery to correct it with no success, and then we did one IVF which was also unsuccessful. Our next step is another IVF cycle which will cost approximately $14,000. We were able to stay afloat while my husband was out of work, but racked up some debt which we are now slowly paying off. We have a great marriage and have remained a team during this whole ordeal. I am lucky to have him and I want to give him a child. We are open to adoption, but adoption also has a financial and emotional impact, and we have time since the age of my eggs or uterus won't matter. None of this would matter if we were able to get pregnant the old fashioned way, but that’s not working so well for us. I really want a chance to experience pregnancy. If we could cut down on our debt, that would help us in our quest for baby makes three. Thanks for reading!"

I am in a weird spot. I need to be hopeful. I need to see that light at the end of the tunnel. I am apparently willing to expose myself on national television in order to get there. I don't know if Ellen accepts nominations, but I can use all the help I can get. Maybe just leave me a comment, to let me know that you are here for me. xoxoxo

Wish me luck!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

WTF

Today I had my WTF apt with the RE. We infertiles call it that because it's an appt to talk about the failed cycle and possible changes if we were to cycle again. Good times.

So, we had a good meeting. I was especially proud that I only teared up once and for not very long. Basically, the drugs mandated by the study aren't inherently bad, because people get pregnant with them all the time. But my response was definitely lower than he would like. I had nine follicles at the beginning of my cycle and ideally, he would have attempted to mature and retrieve nine eggs.

If we were to do another IVF cycle with him, he would not put me on bcp, because he wouldn't want to suppress me at all. He would start me on lupron, then give me both follistim and menopur, 225 iu's of each. Then, as my follicles start to develop, he would put me on ganirelix. Hcg shot to trigger, ET as scheduled. Transfer as he sees fit, and then PIO and Estradiol through the two week wait.

I guess my little embyos were a grade two out of for, with one being the best. I thought they looked perfect, but I guess I didn't need to know they weren't. Positive thinking and all, right. His main goal is to get a lot more eggs so we have something to choose from, maybe we could have three grade ones, right? Never a bad thing, esp since FET's are only $2500, as compared to $14k for a fresh IVF cycle.

Now we are back to the drawing board. I am looking for a new job, hopefully with some coverage, and H is looking into his company's coverage, since the headquarters are in a mandated state.

And in the meantime, we will continue to eat healthy and take our vitamins, and pay for a miracle.

Friday, January 14, 2011

It's All About Me

Not really. Ok, yeah, really.

I was a little unsure as to why some people's bad news would affect me so much. The more I considered it, the more I realized it was because I am selfish. I want to know there is hope. I want to maintain hope in my heart. I want to believe it is possible. But then reality hits hard for someone who I feel close to, someone I hope for almost as much as I hope for myself, and my hopes get a little damaged. I don't want to say they are shattered, but they definitely take a hit.

I don't feel this way about everyone, which is somewhat hypocritical, but after everything I have been through (which is not that much in the grand scheme of infertility), I am nowhere near as upset for those who have just started their journey. Infertility sucks no matter what, but there are some that endure so much more than a few IUI's or a couple IVF's. I am sad for any failed IVF, but if it's the first or second, it doesn't make me as sad. My hope is still intact.

I guess I am just trying to hold on to some hope through the success of others, and it's double devastation when a treatment cycle doesn't work. So those of you who I love, I do feel sorrow and sympathy for you, but I feel sorrow for myself as well. Hope that doesn't bother you.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Eating for Embryos

I met with my primary care doctor today. I love my primary care doctor. She knows me, she understands me. She understands infertility. We had a huge talk today about my bloodwork, my weight, and my diet. While none of it should have had an effect, it is possible that it could have. Most of this was of course prompted by me. I've been reading The Fertility Diet and also read this post by my friend Sulfa, as well as doing some of my own research. She ordered some bloodwork to look at the general amount if inflammation in my body, and we both agreed that I would take the next month making some small changes, and then we would meet again in a month to evaluate:
  • Since my blood sugar has been borderline high for a while now, I'm getting a blood sugar monitor and I'm going to do some testing. Not going to go crazy, supposed to test once per day at most, but we want to see how my blood sugar levels change over the course of the day and in response to different foods or stresses.

  • I'm cutting dairy for a month. While full fat dairy can assist ovulation, dairy can also cause inflammation. Since my issue is not necessarily ovulation, but possibly an issue with implantation. This is going to be a temporary trial for the month and then we will go from there.
  • I'm going to avoid artificial sweeteners. Since research shows that the body can react to calorie free sweetener with insulin production as if I have eaten real sugar. It's also a chemical that my body doesn't need.
  • I am going to avoid drinking alcohol and caffeine, aside from green and white tea.
  • I am going to avoid restaurant meals and packaged foods as much as possible, as well as refined flour, sugar and trans fats, all of which can have an adverse effect on your fertility.
  • In addition to all of that, I'm going to move towards more organic items. It's expensive and hard to always eat organic, but when I can make a substitution, I will. I will also shop farmers markets more often for produce and reduce meat consumption.

While this may not make an iota of difference in my pregnancy status, the worst that can happen is I get healthier, so what is the downside of that? Aside from the obvious lack of french fries and booze in my life!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

The Ugly

This week's weight: 189.2
WW Goal weight: 156.0

No good, no bad, just ugly. And ashamed. I have to forgive myself, but my god, do I feel like a failure. The worst part is that my last weigh in at the RE's was 178. That means I gained about 10 pounds in the three weeks from my beta. Not that I think I didn't deserve to wallow in some self pity, but now I'm even further from where I need to be in order to make this ktfu thing happen.

I don't even know what else to say about it. My self esteem is in the shitter. Maybe I do need to sign up for LA Marathon just to get my mojo back.