Wednesday, June 29, 2011

IVF 3.0, Follie Check, Day 9 of stims

Lining: 10
Right: 13,13,12 and a couple smaller ones he didn't measure
Left: 14

Still remaining hopeful. There is a lot of stuff that I can't really care about anymore. One is keeping my job, another is keeping my condo. I just can't stress about it anymore, either it will be alright or it won't, but it doesn't help for me to get all worked up about it, you know? My follicles are like that to. I am hopeful that we will retrieve four eggs, and all of them will be mature, but I will transfer what I get and be happy that whatever the outcome, I tried my best.

Monday, June 27, 2011

IVF 3.0, Follie Check, Day 7 of stims

Other than oversleeping, being 10 minutes late for my appointment and then waiting for an hour, making me 20 minutes late for work, this morning's follie check was good!

We saw a full FIVE on my right! 11,11,10,10,9 which is awesome because they are all about the same size! Please little ovary, keep growing evenly! We didn't see anything on my left because we couldn't find it. Granted, we didn't try too hard today since it's still early. Lining was at 8.5.

Back on Wednesday!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Follie Check, day 5 of stims

After my crap week (Hey, guess what! Your FSH is sky high and this IVF probably won't work! Oh, and by the way, if you don't meet an impossible goal, you're losing your job! Good luck staying relaxed!) I was somewhat resigned about this folie check. Obviously, this follie check doesn't really tell us all that much, other than there is activity.

But the results are good regardless! Lining is 6.5, 4-5 on the right, 3-4 on the left, largest measuring about 9mm. I'll be back on Monday.

For some reason, I am more hopeful this time around. Maybe it's knowing that my Lupron might actually work this time! Also, I'm confident that increasing the gonal-f might improve my response/quality. I guess that part will be revealed soon enough!

Footnote: E2 is 70

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Everything is Going to be Okay

I wrote that 37 times in my little notebook last night, right before bed. Trying to instill some sort of positive thinking, but something like "My eggs are healthy and developing perfectly" would make me feel like a total fraud. We all know that my ovaries are going to pump out what it can, but chances are my healthy, perfect eggs are going to be few and far between. Maybe tonight I can graduate to "I will get pregnant when the time is right," but even that could be a little far fetched.

This morning I found out that I have to pay OOP for an uncovered, compounded version of Lupron. Why? Because Lupron is still backordered over the whole country. Awesomesauce. I spoke to the Insurance and they claim they will reimburse me because of the situation, but of course I'm going on 2 months without a check for my meds from last cycle. Good times!

I might have issues with second guessing myself, and anxiety, but today, I know that I made the right decision to move forward. Stick a fork in me, I am done. I have been done for a while. I am ready to move on, no matter what happens on this cycle. This is my Hail Mary.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Over before it starts?

So, I got up extra early this morning to get to my RE appt, get my antral counts and have my blood drawn for CD2 labs. I had 3-4 follies on each side which was good. Was given my protocol (0.2ml Lupron for three days, 300 Gonal-f and 150 Menopur), come back for follie check on Saturday. We decided to up the Gonal-f this time, since my response was better back in November when I was on 300 Follistim. I'm all set to start stims!

And then I get the phone call.

This time it was my RE, not my nurse. Which always means bad news. FSH is at an all time high of 16, up from fucking 5 last cycle. WTF! He doesn't like to start a cycle at anything over 15, but since it's borderline, he is letting me make my own decision. He would prefer to wait a month and test again, but that puts us into another month of hell, another month of life interrupted. He knows how much I canceled for this cycle, this cycle that I wasn't supposed to do in the first place.

So I'm choosing to move forward and start stims tonight anyway.

I need encouragement. I'm so angry at myself for not keeping up with my acupuncture, for not drinking my wheatgrass like I should have, for cheating with dairy way too much. But honestly, how much could any of this affect my actual response to drugs? FSH isn't everything, right? Even if I lowered it last cycle with these lifestyle therapies, it couldn't have possibly helped my actual response, could it? I feel like I fucked up big time by not taking care of myself like I should have.

I'm so angry at everything right now.

I guess we'll see what happens. If I don't respond and we don't go to ER, then I save myself $537 in COBRA for next month.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Zero to 60

Wow. Things change in a matter of seconds around here. So what's new with me? I'm cautiously optimistic that the insurance is reimbursing me for the meds I paid OOP just about two months ago. I got *most* of my meds for my next cycle last week. Lupron is once again backordered, and I'm really happy I will get it in time...

Because CD1 is today, and my RE might have me start stims TOMORROW. WHOA.

Where did the time go? Eeeek. Of course, here is the part where I go all OCD out of control crazy planner crackhead on you. If I start stims tomorrow, and stim for 12 days before triggering, my ER will be round about Wednesday, July 6. Which would make ET on Saturday, July 9, and Beta round about Friday, July 22.

One month!

This is it. It's already going fast! I will be so ready to move forward. Pregnant or not, this is when I will emerge into the rest of my life.

But, please let it be pregnant. :D

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Bad Places

I'm a bad blogger. I just haven't had the energy. I go to work and come home and veg in front of the TV until I go to bed. It's quite the glamorous life.

I have also been trying to be more positive, but of course haven't done the exercises from either the Bounce Back Book or The Spark.

I feel like I'm on a runaway train, with no ability to stop it. I have put so much of my life on hold, spent so much money, put myself through so much heartache. I wish this was all behind me. I am so ready to move on. But I have to endure one more cycle.

Of course, I hope beyond hope that this cycle is it. I hope that I end up pregnant and that is the end of the crap, even though I know it won't be the end of my anxiety. If I end up pregnant, all this will have been worth it.

I'm afraid I won't end up pregnant. And of course that will mean I will regret every single dollar spent, all the things I passed up in order to go through treatment, all the plans that I canceled. I already feel cheated. Is it possible to feel even more cheated? There are many times I ask the question all infertiles ask: "why me?" I have adequate haters that would say I deserve it, it's karma, or my negativity brought it on myself. Don't think all of the above haven't crossed my mind multiple times a day.

I know I should think of all the ways I am lucky. I am very lucky to have the opportunity to do IVF. But how lucky am I really when I need IVF in the first place?

So now I wait. The rollercoaster has crested the last big peak and we are about to speed through the rest of the ride. Let's hope my stupid fucking period comes at the beginning of the fucking week next week. If I'm late, I'm going to be so pissed off.