Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Inner Dialogue

How did I get here? I was saying that while I was still pregnant. 43 cycles and 42 BFN's, but one BFP! One BFP that continued to grow and thrive! It seemed like a dream come true.

How did I get here? 43 cycles, 42 BFN's and a miscarriage. Now it seems like a nightmare come true. My pregnancy already seems fuzzy and so far away, that it's almost surreal, like it never happened.

I never thought I would be infertile. When I husband and I started to try, I learned about charting and thought it would be easy, like shooting fish in a barrel. Charting and knowing when you ovulate is almost cheating! Except when your husband's sperm is lacking. And by the time we got the opportunity to do IVF, my eggs were lacking. Such a cruel joke.

I haven't slept one good night since we found out. I've been going to sleep between 11 pm and Midnight, but I've been waking up at 5:00 am every morning and unable to go to sleep unless I lay there for a few hours. Today I woke up at 3:40 am. I remember a therapist I had years ago told me that insomnia could indicate two things: if you can't go to sleep, you have anxiety, and if you wake up in the middle of the night, you are depressed.

Of course I'm depressed. Who wouldn't be?

But the worst thing I am facing now is the stigma of infertility and the lack of compassion for miscarriage. Especially from my work. I am currently the breadwinner, so I don't have much of a choice but to go back, but I have resentment. Resentment for the stress they put me through, the stress that I will still have to endure when I return. They said they were sorry to hear, but I don't get real concern from them. I resent that. I guess I should cut them slack, since very few people know how to respond and when they do, it's shit.

Anyway, my D&C has been completed, my post op scheduled for next week, and our WTF/WDWDN (what do we do next) is scheduled for the week after. But I can't help thinking about our first OB appt that should have been this afternoon.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Why are mornings so much harder?

I've been waking up in the middle of the night and unable to go back to sleep. And of course the longer I am awake, the less I am able to fight the cry. I know my eggs are shit and that's why the baby is going to come back chromosomally abnormal. Just like Young Frankenstein. The took AB Normal's eggs.

I've been thinking about my eggs a lot lately. I knew it would be hard to walk away from passing along my genetic code, but I didn't realize it could be this much harder. I guess I thought if my eggs were too shitty to ever turn into a growing baby, then we walk away. But my eggs were only good enough to get me through a couple months of pregnancy. Is that more or less encouraging than never getting pregnant at all? My husband is more encouraged. I am not encouraged, but I also don't want to give up. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Those are not the words I should be saying in a few years.

My grandmother (my father's mother) passed away a month before I met my husband. She was a few years into her 90's so she lived a long life, and was fairly healthy until the end. Back then, I had little to no desire for children. I only wanted then if I met the right guy, and I wasn't holding my breath. I now wish that I had asked her about her childbearing experience. My mother once mentioned that she had a hard time getting pregnant, and I vaguely remember hearing a story about her first love being killed in the war (WWII?), so my grandfather was her second husband? Not sure if she was married before.

I remember my grandfather's death like it was yesterday. It was 1984 and he was 64. Far too young, cancer sucks. I found my grandmother's obituary the other day while I was cleaning out what was to be the baby's room, and realized she was 12 years older than my grandfather. I also realized that she was 41, almost 42 when she gave birth to my father. That was in 1950!

Who knows what the diagnosis would have been if this was 2010? MFI? Or some other issue? I'll never know. My grandmother never talked about things like that, and my dad wouldn't either. Plus, did they do testing back then? Did they even know what to look for? But I guess in a way it gives me hope. I hope I inherited her eggs, the strong ones that were able to create a pregnancy in her 40's. Since I will now be 39 by the time I could even hope to have a child.

So, why are mornings that much harder than the rest of the day? And why do I continue to go off on these tangents when writing this blog? These questions might remain a mystery.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Today I am Angry

Like cussing, crying, hatinum literally) g other people angry.

I know it's not their fault, but it's also not fair. Why do so many people have kids and we don't? Like the guy today that let his toddler climb up on a low brick wall and didn't say anything or even walk over to him. Was I supposed to catch him if he fell? WTF.

Or my crackhead cousin that is annoyed at me for not RSVP'ing to her baby shower for #2. I would have told her no, if she had bothered to give an email address for the RSVP. Like I want to call and talk to her. Hopefully she was able to stay off the smack for this pregnancy, maybe they won't take this child away from her.

I honestly don't know what else the universe can throw at me. I have had more tragedy in my life than I even care to talk about. It could always be worse, but I have had many a day where I felt like Brian in the Monty Python movie, starting when I was a child. I don't know if it's karma coming back from a past life, or maybe this one? Maybe since I'm not usually a positive person, I just bring negativity into my life. All I know is that when we actually got pregnant and it wasn't a chemical pregnancy or a blighted ovum, I truly thought the universe was going to pick on someone else for a while. I mean, after what we have endured, this pregnancy should have gone to term. Three separate fresh IVF cycles, and nothing to show for it but a miscarriage. I have no frosties, I have little hope for frosties. I have little hope that another IVF (or four) will bring us our take home baby, but now that we have tasted success it's hard to walk away.

I was so done when we started our third IVF, I was ready to move on to trying on our own again, possible adoption and maybe even child free. I felt like I needed to have my life (and my body) back. And now all I can think about is getting pregnant again as quickly as possible. I don't want to not be pregnant. I also hope I have triplets next time, so I have a couple spares. That might seen like a joke, but I assure you, it's not. Not really.

And for all of those people who say I shouldn't wish for morning sickness, my morning sickness subsided the day I believe my embryo died. So I hope my next pregnancy has me puking all day and all night for the full first trimester.

Then all I have to worry about is pre-term labor, a stillborn baby, and SIDS. And then if I get past all that, I get to worry about all kinds of other things. :/

Friday, August 26, 2011

No Heartbeat

Isn't that like the universe. Right about the time I get comfortable and start to think my bad luck is behind me, I get another swift kick to the crotch.

No heartbeat today. Baby stopped growing a couple days after the last ultrasound.

Now I am trying to decide on how we want to get rid of the pregnancy - let nature take its course, get some meds, or do a D&C. I'm not sure I can handle passing the tissue, and I think my husband would like some answers, if there are any answers to be had. I think I would too.

And of course there are other questions. Are we going to try again? Do we continue the Cobra so we can do another IVF? I'm not sure my ovaries will make it worthwhile. Do we just take our chances with more timed intercourse? What do I do with all the stuff we bought? Hold on to it and keep hoping? or get rid of it now?

Fuck, this is hard. I'm going to drink wine now.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Nursery Planning

Yes, it's early. But it's something my husband is excited to do, so we are doing it. It all started with a crib. The week we found out I was pregnant, my husband saw a beautiful convertible crib at Costco. It was almost $400 so I was skeptical that it was something we really needed to spend that much cash on. But then I went to see it myself and it turned out to be a convertible crib that goes all the way to a full size bed, with all the conversion kits and the mattress!

So then we decided to wait to see how many babies we had - because more than one of these big ass cribs wouldn't necessarily fit in the nursery. So when we found out we were only having one, we thought we should get it. But of course we took our time, and thank goodness too - because last weekend the manager marked it down to $299 to make room for holiday merchandise! We had to get it.

So then we started looking at paint. We both like blue so think we want to paint the walls blue regardless of the baby's sex.

H isn't sold on it, but I am really into an aqua/red color combo that was so cool a few years ago in weddings. I still love it and think it looks fresh and modern and takes the blue to a more gender neutral place.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


No,I'm not perfect. I know this. And yet, I'm striving for it. When you spend over three years learning everything there is to know about getting pregnant and you aren't, you begin making deals with the universe as to what you would do if you were actually graced with a pregnancy.

Sometimes it's a judgement of others - I promise to not smoke or do crack while I am pregnant, or put them in a stoller in the bed of a truck. But most of the time, it has nothing to do with others, it's just my personal need to keep my promises to the universe.

What are my promises? No caffeine for one. I know small amounts of caffeine are probably okay, but I refuse to drink iced tea or even decaf coffee. I also read that while some medications are probably okay, no medication can be considered 100% safe, so I hesitate to even take Tylenol unless I feel it's absolutely necessary. I am trying to manage all my nutrition, ensure I get my calcium and iron (but not at the same time) and I'm trying to eat my vegetables and fruit. I'm lucky in this respect that vegetables sound good to me, while meat does not. I want to start exercising, but only after I get the green light from my doctor.

I have a feeling this goal of perfection will follow me into the delivery room and beyond. Is it too crazy to require that every single person who touches the baby has a pertussis vaccine? It is over the top if we install Purell dispensers at the front door and in the baby's room? Of course since I learned everything there is to know about getting pregnant, I need to know everything there is about being pregnant, staying pregnant, giving birth and babies. I haven't really bought much in the way of books, but have had a good deal given to me by all my friends who are already moms,and I'm reading them all.

Crazy? Maybe. Too much pressure on myself? Probably. But this is probably my one and only chance, so I need to know that I did everything I could.

Monday, August 15, 2011

So much for that

I was supposed to be in a symptom free pregnancy - one of those bitches without morning sickness that everyone loves to hate! Don't get me wrong, I've had a number of days where I just wasn't hungry. But I was still able to make myself eat something, and eat it happily.

Today, not so much.

Today I did not want to eat my breakfast. But I did it anyway, and immediately felt a little ill. I didn't pack a lunch so I knew I needed to go out, but I couldn't think of a single thing I wanted. I went to the grocery store and the only thing that sounded good were olives from the salad bar and a frozen burrito. However, the frozen burritos were $3 (WTF, right?) so I opted not to do that, but stopped at Del Taco on the way back to the office. They had a three bean burrito special for $1.29. Score, right?

Wrong. Those made me sick. Yes, I ate all three, but they were small, I swear! So I spent the afternoon drinking water, snacking on peanuts and clementines and trying to keep my lunch down. Of course, then the husband asks if I want him to make chicken for dinner. Cue the retching. All I'm having for dinner tonight is salad and vinegar. And maybe some olives and pickles. That's the only stuff that sounds good right now.

In the meantime, I'm "enjoying" feeling pregnant for once!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

New Blog Design and 101/1001 Update

I felt that with our new status, my grey, desolate blog personality just didn't fit. I thought it needed and happier, more hopeful update. I hope you like it.

That brings me to my 101 Things update. Well, this happy news combined with my procrastination means I will not be completing my 101 Things. Things like trying a crossfit class *might* be able to be completed when I am cleared for exercise after birth, but competing in a figure competition... HA! Actually, the more I look at the list, the less I see that can be completed. But guess what - I am doing the one thing that is most important to me. If I don't complete some of these things, then I have less to come up with for my next 101 list.

But here are the things I may have a shot at completing:

12. Have a family photo taken with the dogs
13. Visit my Grandmother's grave site
14. Become a mommy
18. Write a letter to my grandmother
20. Write a letter to my uncle
21. Host a dinner party
22. Host a wine tasting
25. Get a couple's massage with H
26. Go on a picnic with H
27. Compile a family recipe book
28. Visit my Grandfather's grave site
30. Volunteer
32. Pay for the next person's order
33. Donate $5 to charity for every goal I don't attain on this list
35. Attend a demonstration
36. Work on a political campaign
37. Work in a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving
39. Start composting
40. Grow an herb garden
41. Grow a veggie garden
43. Send and receive a postcard through
45. Send a care package to a soldier through
48. See the Grand Canyon
51. Rent a motorhome and drive through several states
56. Go Camping
58. Visit Legoland
60. Go to the Santa Ana Zoo
61. Have a beach bonfire
62. Visit Hearst Castle
63. Eat at a place featured in "Diners, Drive-ins and Dives"
64. Take H to Catalina
65. See the Winchester Mystery House
68. Visit 10 new cities not already listed
70. Go deep sea fishing
71. Take a trip on a train
72. Get a new job
73. Start a business
74. Write a short story
75. Learn the fundamentals of Photography
76. Work a gig as a photography assistant
77. Print and frame one of my own photos
78. Get a photograph into an art show
79. Upload a photo to
80. Do a Project 365
82. Participate in NaNoWriMo
83. Learn another language
84. Try my hand at stand up comedy
85. Enter a recipe contest
85. Perfect my handmade pasta recipe
87. Read 30 unread books from the BBC Top 100 books list (0/30)
88. Be able to define all 100 words every high school graduate should know
89. Read 10 unread books from the Banned Books List (0/10)
90. Enter something into a Local Fair
92. See every movie on AFI's 100 years...100 movies list (42/100)
93. See a play
100. Sing a song with a jazz or swing band

I better get my ass in gear!

Friday, August 12, 2011

Seven Weeks, One Day

Where does the time go! I was going to post last week when I got to "Six Weeks" and then was going to post the next day after my ultrasound where we saw a heartbeat. And then time got away, and before I knew it, I was almost to seven weeks! So I decided to wait one more day again, so we could have another ultrasound update. :)

So, everything seems to be progressing normally! Last week, at 6w1d, we were measuring 5w6d so a couple days behind. This week, our heartbeat is still going strong and we are measuring 7 weeks on the nose, just 1 day behind now. Our little monkey is growing!

I'm still super nervous about everything. I don't have as much reason as some, but infertility alone will turn you into a complete freakazoid. Fridays are happy, the weekends are relaxed, Mondays and Tuesdays are days where I might forget I'm actually pregnant, and Wednesdays and Thursdays bring out the crazy. Early Friday morning I'm a ball of nerves, and a few minutes later, I'm beaming.

Anyway, hanging in there. Still grateful to be in my position, but I have to say, I feel I have earned it. Not everyone who has been through the ringer gets a happy ending though, which is why I am sending love to all my sisters and brothers who are still struggling. I think of you every day.