Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Lonely

Missing my family. :( I know this is what we needed to do, but this apart shit sucks. The feeling in my stomach keeps trying to tell me this is wrong. I can't wait to get settled. I can't wait for my husband to join me.

Tomorrow is my first day, and I am getting a PO box first thing in the morning, since this little rural town doesn't deliver mail to your door. It can be a pain in the ass, but it's nice to not have to change your address even if you move 10 times.

I am also starting to stress about living situations. I have a room right now, but want something more permanent. However, we can't afford our mortgage and our rent, so getting our place rented out is first priority. It just feels like there is so much to do.

But I'll sleep first. :)

Saturday, September 24, 2011

The Stress!!!

Wow, the stress is crazy.

I am excited for this move, but the reality of how unsettled my life will be for a the next few months is freaking me out a little, even though it will be totally worth it. I am currently packing and purging. I donated over half the clothes that I own! There was so much that I was just holding on to "just in case" and now that I am moving to a completely different climate and social atmosphere, I don't think I'm going to be needing those formal dresses any more. I also got rid of some vintage clothes that my ass is never getting into again. These garments were tight when I was 16!!! And I've been holding on to them since then. Nuts, right?

But I am also trying to fight my husband on getting rid of things that we will still need to replace. I get it, it sucks to move all this stuff, but if it's something that we still like, and to replace it would cost more than a few bucks, then we should keep it, right? I guess once I'm gone, he can do what he likes, but please God, please let him remember that I said this.

I am also bummed that I bought IVF drugs this month. I panicked when I got laid off and wanted to use up the rest of my Healthcare FSA - all $48 worth. Well, that's going to cost me the $540 in Cobra I might have avoided. I wish I could sell the drugs, or thought I would have any use for them. I am tempted to hold on to them, but that would mean moving them, and we have enough crap to move already. Of course, after people freaked out about how illegal it was to sell them, I did some research. It's also highly illegal to give them to another person, but the infertility community does that all the time. I guess the thought of making money bothers people, but it's not like I would profit from the transaction! I'm just trying to make our money go as far as possible, since at this moment, neither person in my household is working, and I'm moving $350 miles away to get a job. Moving costs $$$!! Oh well, chalk it up to experience. If I don't keep them (and why would I?) I'll be donating to my RE's office. Maybe they'll take pity on me and waive a random charge somewhere.

Tangent: The insurance and payments are still being worked out, but FFS, I sure as hell hope I get a small refund from our cycles. I would hate to owe more. O.o

I am also sad about being apart from my husband and dogs. I know it's only going to be for a short time (as long as he doesn't get an amazing offer from a company in our current area) he has decided to come up as soon as he gets the house packed and rented, so by November 1st he should be there. He has a big job, but I will also have a big job figuring out my relo housing situation and if we will need to move to accommodate my dogs and husband. I also don't want to be looking for a place in the height of the winter, so sooner is better than later, that's for sure!

Okay, I spent too much time on this and now it's a novel. Okay, maybe a short story. But I need to continue to pack and purge. Aaaaahhhhhhh!! I can't believe what I've accumulated in 7 years!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Decision

I have decided that I am taking this opportunity and forgoing additional ART.

I had to look at the worst case scenarios for either decision, and I figure I can handle never getting pregnant a lot better than giving up this opportunity, going through another IVF cycle and having that one end up in a BFN. My ovaries don't respond to stimulation drugs anyway, so what was the point? I still ovulate and my husband's lifestyle changes have improved his sperm tremendously, so I think we have a better shot now. I'm hoping we have a better shot. I'm also hoping that moving to a place with less stress and less pollutants will benefit us as well.

So, we are moving, as well as moving on.

Don't think that just because I am giving up on IVF that means I am giving up on having a family. We're going to continue down the path and see where life takes us. Maybe we'll get pregnant the way most people do. Maybe we'll adopt. Maybe we'll do a donor egg cycle. I'm open to what the future has in store. I am choosing to believe in fate, because if I had stayed pregnant, I would now be unemployed and would not have felt comfortable taking this position. Do I wish I was still pregnant? Of course. But I am thrilled to have a job I want and be able to move to a place I wish I have never left.

And that's good enough for now.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Insomnia

This might be the toughest decision I have ever made. 

Some of you might know that I was laid off last week. Well, I have a job offer, less than a week later. However, this offer comes with a price - walking away from IVF.

The only reason we can afford IVF is because we still have cobra health insurance that covers it. Cobra is expensive and I'm not sure how much longer we can keep it going, especially with  both of us being unemployed. But we were counting on one more cycle with a new protocol that maybe would make all the difference.

Well, now I'm possibly not going to see another cycle. If I take this job, I won't have the opportunity to cycle again until next summer at the earliest, and we can't afford to keep cobra that long. Plus, this new position requires that I move, and there isn't an RE for 200 miles so cycling would be a major undertaking. And my ovaries are already uncooperative - I can't imagine another year is going to help.

This position would be a good move for my career, but more than that, it is a paycheck. Who knows when my next opportunity would come? And would it be as good? Also, am I delusional to think that another IVF cycle would be the magic ticket? Even my doctor thinks the chances are slim.

I also have to admit, I'm tired of my entire life revolving around IVF. I want to lose weight, but afraid cutting calories or exercising too much would impact my egg quality. I want to run again, and I want to sign up for races, but can never commit just in case I'm cycling or even pregnant and not allowed to exercise at all. I would love to have a "normal" pregnancy, and could even be hopeful for it since I still ovulate and my husband's numbers are improving tremendously. 

There is one more component to this dilemma - my marriage. My husband wants to move with me, but the move would not be good for his career. So, there is the possibility that he might have to stay behind to work on his career, maybe even up to a year. Not sure how I will deal with that, it's already making me cry. Plus, only seeing him a few times a month will severely hamper our chances of a miracle pregnancy. It also feels weird to be considering my career over his, since I would love for him to have the career and for me to be a stay at home mom.

So, do I take the one sure thing in my life, this job? I have to decide in a few hours and it's giving me insomnia

Monday, September 12, 2011

Good News and Bad News

Good News: My husband's SA numbers are much improved!

Bad News: My eggs are now crap because he waited so long to make the lifestyle changes.

Good News: We are starting a new cycle as soon as my period starts! And we have a few tweaks to the protocol to try and improve my eggs.

Bad News: My RE is not hopeful that we are going to get anything.

Good News: My insurance amazingly covers donor egg IVF's!

Bad News: That coverage doesn't include the agency fee and the donor payment, and with our financial situation that $15K might as well be $1 Million.

Fuck.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

More Jumbled Thoughts

I am doing better. I hardly cry anymore. Only once in a while when something strikes me just the right way. We have our WTF appointment tomorrow, and then it looks like we will be moving on to IVF #4.

Trying again brings a whole new level of fear to the table. When I got pregnant, I was afraid something would go wrong. I was trying to enjoy my pregnancy, but at first it was fear that my beta would not double. Then it was fear that we wouldn't see a heartbeat when the time came. And then there was this very slight fear that the baby's heart might stop, or I would go into pre-term labor, but I pushed those out of my mind. That can't happen to me.

But it did. And while the chances of it happening twice are very low, I can only imagine what a basket case I will be if I get pregnant again. I feel like I should make the decision to just immerse myself in it, enjoy it, but not sure I will be able to.

And there is always the fear that it won't work again.

I am trying to stay busy, playing on Pinterest, knitting, watching movies, spending time with my husband. Working too. Still hoping that my HCG is at zero soon, hopefully tomorrow. I want my period to start ASAP. But I guess not too soon, because I still need to get another IVF protocol approved, and drugs ordered. I don't yet know what I need, but I know I am going to be more demanding on the specific drugs after doing some research and talking to friends, so I know I will need some time to ensure I can get them.

I still miss running. But I'm afraid of it now too. I feel so weak after taking the last three months off of any activity. And I am afraid that running would be too hard on my developing eggs. Silly, I know. It's also hard, not knowing when I can race again. I really just hope that someday I am training with a jogging stroller.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I SPPH Needles

HCG was 561 today, which is a dramatic reduction from the 100,000+ it probably was last week when I had my D&C. I'm not sure what my body has in store next either. There shouldn't be any lining to speak of, as it was all scraped off. So once my beta goes back to zero, do I have a period? Or does my body start to gear up for ovulation? I've done some internet research, but different websites/articles say different things, so I started charting again, just so I could maybe figure out what my body is doing.

I really want my body to get it in gear, but not for a couple weeks. I got some shit to take care of, including meeting with my RE and getting my meds. As well as a business trip that was scheduled for right after my RE graduation, but that's a whole 'nother story, and one I would rather forget.

As much as I thought I would never say this again, I can't wait to jab myself in the belly again. I have plenty of needles left, so I could if I wanted to, but I think it would be better to wait. I just want to try again. I want to see if we can repeat history, but this time make it to my OB appt. That would be nice. Then maybe I can get to 40ish weeks. That would be better.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Turner Syndrome/Monosomy X

That's what our baby had. It's a chromosomal disorder where there is only one X Sex Chromosome. Normal females have XX, normal makes have XY, but Monosomy X just has the one X. My baby was considered female, and would have been female if she had survived.

While it doesn't make me feel better about losing my baby, I am somewhat relieved. Monosomy is more random than Trisomy (an extra chromosome) as Trisomy is usually related to age. It makes me feel better that this wasn't related to my diminishing egg quality. In fact, most cases of Turner Syndrome are related to the sperm production. Also, from what my RE told me, the second X chromosome was missing completely, where some Turner Syndrome babies have an incomplete X chromosome, and that would be scarier.

Apparently, 3% of all conceptions have Turner Syndrome, and 99% of those conceptions are miscarried. For some reason, 1% of these babies survive, however, they may have multiple issues, including infertility. Lord, I don't want my child to have to endure infertility. So maybe that's a good thing. Also, Turner Syndrome accounts for up to 15% of all miscarriages.

So, while I'm not happy that we lost our baby, I understand that it's not something I could have helped. Going through IVF before my eggs were so crappy wouldn't have necessarily made a difference, and any environmental factors that I was worried about wouldn't have helped either. Does that mean I'm taking a chance this next time around? Nope. Starting next week, I'm on operation egg quality. I'm running out of time to make this pregnancy thing happen.

I am still annoyed at my luck. 12% of all couples are infertile, and 3% of conceptions have Turner Syndrome. So a 0.36% chance that it would happen to us? Plus, many Turner Syndrome embryos never even make it to implantation or past chemical pregnancy stage. I guess that makes us really lucky. Probably not lottery winning lucky though.

Oh well, on to the next.