Sunday, October 30, 2011

Appreciate what you have

Life is fleeting, and so is happiness. I just found out that one of my husband friends collapsed and died today. His wife is pregnant, probably about as far along as I would be if I hadn't miscarried.

When I miscarried, I was so jealous. I felt so sorry for myself. And now my heart is breaking for her. If given the choice, I would take my heartbreak over hers, but nobody gets that choice. You get what you get. And sometimes it fucking sucks.

Tragedy is everywhere. I am so thankful that I still have my husband. I need to remember to appreciate what I have, because it can easily slip through your fingers, gone forever, never to be seen again.

Hold your loved ones a little tighter tonight.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Where to start?

Wow. Where does the time go?

I guess I'll start with the job. I like it! I'm challenged and feel like I have an impact. It's keeping me busy with real work instead of the crap work I used to have to do all the time. The only bad thing is I don't have time to screw around on the internet, but in the grand scheme of things, that's not a bad thing.

On the other hand, the move just isn't going the way I thought it should. I wanted us to get the place listed at the beginning of the month, my husband resisted. Last week, I wanted him to straighten up so the leasing agent could take pictures (Hello!? We need this place rented!) and he decided to pack more (i.e. make a bigger mess) instead. We're finally going to get photos taken tomorrow, but it's already halfway through the month. On top of that, I need to move into my new place now or else I will lose it, so IF we get a renter by November 1st I will *only* have to cover both the rent and my mortgage for two weeks. That's hard enough when we only have one income. But we also need to replace some carpet, make some repairs, paint and fix some baseboards before someone can move in. Oh and replace the dishwasher. Where the fuck is this money going to come from??? UGH. Oh and I'm also paying for a cleaning company because my husband can't manage and I certainly can't do it on my limited weekends.

On a different note, my cycle started exactly six weeks after my D&C. Strangely on time, right? I can't help but think about how I would be starting stims if we had made a different decision about our future. The other thing that is bothering me is how so many of my old friends in this town are now moms and have an entirely different life and set of priorities. I don't exactly fit in with them, but for some reason it doesn't make me sad. I don't know how else to describe it. I sometimes even think that I am okay with not being a mom at all now. I don't have that same pain in my stomach when I see a baby or a pregnant woman. Maybe all it took was for me to make this decision, to make me feel better about what might have happened anyway. I'm still hopeful for a miracle, as long as I can get my husband here and embracing a healthier lifestyle.

Speaking of husbands, I'm not sure where he's going to end up. He (finally) got some traction in a job that he applied for while I was going through our last IVF. That was MONTHS ago! We still don't know anything yet, but I am torn - do I root for him to get this job? It's a great job and pays REALLY well, but we would have to live apart. Money has been so tight with his extended time of unemployment, so the pay is crucial to us getting back on track financially. But I don't want to live away from him any longer. It hasn't even been two weeks yet and I'm already sad. He has an interview for a local job too, but that job will pay less than half as much. What's more important? Being together or getting our finances in order? Major suckage.

Last on the agenda, my health. I'm trying to eat healthier as well as cheaper. Making dinner, taking my lunch, etc. I was also supposed to start running, but I haven't yet. I haven't felt like it. Like today, I came home from work reasonably on time! It was still light outside and a great temperature, clear, no rain or snow. But I came home and sat on the couch. Lazy ass. I hope to get it together soon. I need to sign up for a race and get a training plan in place. The other thing I need to do is get better about taking my prenatals at the minimum. I have a crapton of other supplements for egg quality which I should probably also be taking, but at least take the PNV FFS. I also decided today that I should cut coffee out. I had some today, and while I enjoyed it fine, I didn't enjoy it as much as I should have. It's time.

Well, there's a snapshot of my life, I know you were interested. ;P