Friday, November 11, 2011

Landslide

It's amazing how, out of nowhere the pain comes flooding in. I've been living my life, busy as hell, enjoying everything and not thinking about babies, especially the one that died. And out of the blue, one comment sends me into a tailspin.

I've been crying for at least an hour and the pain sitting in my gut feels as strong as it ever has been. I understand it hasn't been long enough, but I did expect it to get weaker, like ice melting into a drink.

I know that tomorrow I will get up in the morning and go to work and act as if nothing has changed, but right now I feel lost, helpless, hopeless, despairing. My world is fucked up right now.

And I feel fat and old and ugly and unwanted. Infertility added pounds, and a miscarriage added more. I haven't been motivated to eat healthy either. I've only been out once to run. I haven't yet joined the gym. And when I see myself in pictures, I see my mom. Sometimes I don't know if my husband and I can survive this. And if I lose him, who would want me? Would I even want to be wanted?

"Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older and I'm getting older too
Oh, I'm getting older too"
~Stevie Nicks, "Landslide"

Tomorrow will be better. It has to be.