Saturday, February 11, 2012

Storks

It's hard to let go of the extreme unfairness of infertility. I'm not in any way saying I am more deserving than others, but I don't understand why so many amazing and deserving people are denied parenthood, when others don't give it a second thought. I know I have blogged about this very topic before, and it's old news. But I still can't shake the anger and sadness.

There are days where I feel so much more in control of my life and emotions. I feel calm, and can talk about it in a matter-of-fact moment. I get compliments about how well I am dealing with everything. And then other days where I tear up at my desk, or fall asleep crying. I obviously need some more therapy, but even when therapy helps, I seem to hit a dead end in healing. The last way I got past that wall was with antidepressants, and I don't want to go down that road again. For now, my therapy has been running, but the effects seem to be short lived, at least for now.

Even though I'm staring at the end of my body's fertility, I'm still not ready to completely let go of my genetic's future. There are so many things that I wanted to pass down to my biological child. Musicality and mathmatics, two things that don't seem to be related, but so are. My artistic sense as well as physical strength. I wanted my child to have a more complete life than I did, to be more open to the possibilities of life, something I didn't have a chance to do until I was older. Too old, in fact. Some might say that it's so I can live vicariously through my child, and maybe in some ways it is. But in reality, I just want to see some of my talents find life in the most natural person it can - my child.

So I walk this line between despair and hope. I can't be the only one that feels this way, but I sometimes wonder if I'm the only person who has given up (without letting her heart give up). I have no plans for more treatment, or even adoption. I never have been religious, but maybe I'm going down that road. I suppose if it's meant to be, it will be. And maybe I will be okay with everything by the time this chapter of my life is complete, one way or another.

4 comments:

  1. I think I can understand how you feel. I'm standing on the cusp right now myself. My fertility is almost at an end. I'll still try without treatments and probably experience heart break each month. But my life will go on.

    I too wanted to see myself and my husband in our child. "I'm not greedy just one child. please?", is what I often say. I have so much to pass on and I wanted to do just that. Facing old age without a child and grandchild is so depressing at times. But my life will go on.

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  2. Dip, you know how I feel about this - about all of it. And you've witnessed some of my more raw, unedited, intimate emotions about this subject.
    I so very much wish that I had an answer for you (and I think about Maria Luisa a lot too). I don't though so all I can offer is empathy. Secretly, I am doing the only other thing I know left to do and that is to hold that tiny flickering flame of hope in my mind for you - for some miracle.
    Of all the offenses the universe has to offer up, the injustice of infertility has got to be among the worst.
    Love you,
    M

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  3. My heart hurts when I read this post. Infertility is the shittiest card to be dealt... and no no one can really understand it fully, without experiencing it themselves. I think it's important to give yourself time to acknowledge the pain you're feeling; but never let go of your hope. Sending you big hugs!

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