Friday, April 27, 2012

My NIAW Post

Last year, I was much more involved with NIAW and Myth Busting. That seems like eons ago, not just 12 short months. In the last 12 months, My husband lost his job, we underwent two more rounds of IVF, got pregnant, miscarried at 9 weeks, moved, saw our due date come and go, and gave up on TTC.

I didn't think we were giving up on TTC, I thought we were just giving up on infertility treatments. I guess when you're infertile, that usually means giving up completely. However, I had all intentions of timing intercourse and keeping hope, but lately we can't even bring ourselves to have sex when we're supposed to. My cycles have gotten wonky too, so timing intercourse is next to impossible. What we should be doing is having sex every other day at the minimum, but we can't seem to be bothered.

I'm not sure if we're tired of sex, or just tired of TTC. I also don't know if we will get our old selves back. Sex really fell off when I got pregnant, and never picked back up after the miscarriage. I suspect the experience damaged both of us more than either of us care to admit.

So, moving forward. Our lives are good, but not amazing. There is a lot of stuff I gave up to try to get pregnant, including the money paid for treatments as well as my actual job. I have a new job now, which I love, but times are still tough. It's hard to pay off IVF debt when you can barely pay the bills. And I want things. Cross country skis, new snowboard boots, a stand up paddleboard, money for race entries. My husband wants things. A downhill mountain bike, new speakers for the entertainment system, a new pair of powder skis, camping gear. It would be awesome to vacation together since haven't been on a trip together since October of 2010. These are all frivolous things in the grand scheme of course, but that doesn't change our desire.

I guess my point is that maybe the long dark night is over, that we can see dawn in the knowledge that a baby would prevent a lot of these wants from being possible. This is what I cling to. When someone is talking about their kid and tell me I don't understand because I'm not a mother, I cling to this. When my sister-in-law is pregnant with her third, I cling to this. When the adorable toddler at the store stares at me, I cling to this. Focusing on the potential benefits to child free is the only thing that gets me through most days.

If only one thing comes out of NIAW, it should be acceptance. The more people are accepting of other's choices, the better the world is for everyone involved. Be kind. Everyone makes their own decisions on what they are going to pursue and when to stop. Don't offer advice unless asked, and try not to judge. You don't know what someone is going through on the inside. Everyone has their own battles and faces their own demons.

Thursday, April 12, 2012


My still slovenly, slowly spreading ass checking in. I've run a few times, but still don't have that drive, that goal. I was saving my pennies so that I could enter the lottery for Nike in October... and then I saw that the full marathon was $175. $175?????? Total sticker shock. It's only $25 more than I was expecting, but that $25 seems to make all the difference. I hear that a lot of races are that much... but I still find it completely unreasonable. But I guess it will still sell out, and there will still be people not able to do it because they weren't selected for the lottery. But here's the thing - I have done it twice, and while I would love to do it again, do I really need another Tiffany necklace? Wouldn't that money be better spent on races I want to do but haven't had the chance yet?

So here is the current list:

LA Marathon
Napa Valley Marathon
Big Sur International Marathon
San Luis Obispo Marathon
San Francisco Full
ET Full Moon Marathon
Half Moon Bay Marathon
Lake Tahoe Marathon
Humboldt Redwoods Marathon
Cloverdale Marathon
Paso Robles Harvest Marathon
Portland Marathon
Catalina Island Eco Marathon
Santa Barbara Marathon
California International Marathon

Of course, I won't be able to run all of these in a year. It would probably take me more than two years. But at least I have written them down. Put them in a list, so I can't get sidetracked as easily. I hate it when I realize that a race I want to do is sold out, or I don't have enough time to sufficiently train for it. It's good to have goals written down, to keep you on track, you know?

Oh, there is one more goal, a goal I have been thinking about every since I was drooling over the Fourtitude medal (how sad am I that that medal is no longer offered?): I want to be a Marathon Maniac. I am only going for Bronze - no need to get crazy! So that's three fulls in 90 days, or two fulls in 16 days. I am considering going for that in the fall.

And I also may want to see what kind of Heavy Medals the Rock n Roll series has in store for 2013 before it's too late to line those races up!

P.S. I might have too many friends that want me to run Nike with them, in which case I might have to suck it up. We'll see.