Friday, April 27, 2012

My NIAW Post

Last year, I was much more involved with NIAW and Myth Busting. That seems like eons ago, not just 12 short months. In the last 12 months, My husband lost his job, we underwent two more rounds of IVF, got pregnant, miscarried at 9 weeks, moved, saw our due date come and go, and gave up on TTC.

I didn't think we were giving up on TTC, I thought we were just giving up on infertility treatments. I guess when you're infertile, that usually means giving up completely. However, I had all intentions of timing intercourse and keeping hope, but lately we can't even bring ourselves to have sex when we're supposed to. My cycles have gotten wonky too, so timing intercourse is next to impossible. What we should be doing is having sex every other day at the minimum, but we can't seem to be bothered.

I'm not sure if we're tired of sex, or just tired of TTC. I also don't know if we will get our old selves back. Sex really fell off when I got pregnant, and never picked back up after the miscarriage. I suspect the experience damaged both of us more than either of us care to admit.

So, moving forward. Our lives are good, but not amazing. There is a lot of stuff I gave up to try to get pregnant, including the money paid for treatments as well as my actual job. I have a new job now, which I love, but times are still tough. It's hard to pay off IVF debt when you can barely pay the bills. And I want things. Cross country skis, new snowboard boots, a stand up paddleboard, money for race entries. My husband wants things. A downhill mountain bike, new speakers for the entertainment system, a new pair of powder skis, camping gear. It would be awesome to vacation together since haven't been on a trip together since October of 2010. These are all frivolous things in the grand scheme of course, but that doesn't change our desire.

I guess my point is that maybe the long dark night is over, that we can see dawn in the knowledge that a baby would prevent a lot of these wants from being possible. This is what I cling to. When someone is talking about their kid and tell me I don't understand because I'm not a mother, I cling to this. When my sister-in-law is pregnant with her third, I cling to this. When the adorable toddler at the store stares at me, I cling to this. Focusing on the potential benefits to child free is the only thing that gets me through most days.

If only one thing comes out of NIAW, it should be acceptance. The more people are accepting of other's choices, the better the world is for everyone involved. Be kind. Everyone makes their own decisions on what they are going to pursue and when to stop. Don't offer advice unless asked, and try not to judge. You don't know what someone is going through on the inside. Everyone has their own battles and faces their own demons.

4 comments:

  1. My journey is nearing a close and at times I think I'm sighing with relief. I have given up so much only to get my heart broken. I mean I've given up certain foods, medical procedures, medicines for other medical problems, vacations, clothing purchases. I've given up so much in the pursuit of a child only to not have that joy. I can understand what you are going through.

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  2. It's amazing to hear about the things going on in other peoples lives. I will keep you in my thoughts, and hope that you find what you're looking for in this world.

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  3. I couldn't agree more with your last statement. Moving to chilfree is tough enough & sometimes fellow IF can say things that just hurts so much. Each and everyone of us makes decisions that work for us, that are close to our heart and that we believe is the best for us. I support your decision and will be right next to you while navigating this new journey.

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  4. <3

    That last paragraph is the best advice towards life. Thank you for reminding me.

    Hugs to you!

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