Thursday, October 4, 2012

Three months

I haven't blogged in three months. Wow, time sure does fly. In some ways, a lot has happened, and in other ways, nothing has happened.

I survived my birthday, the anniversary of my last IVF, my only pregnancy and my only miscarriage. I had an anniversary with my husband. I've traveled, and I've worked. I've run a bit, I've hiked a lot.

I guess you could say we are again trying to get pregnant. Although, after four and a half years, what exactly is trying? I guess I will try to actually have sex around the time I ovulate. Believe me, when you get to be my age, and when you have the schedules that my husband and I have, sex is always often an afterthought. I know I must have some hope, because that is the only thing that would possess me to even consider peeing on an OPK these days.

I have good days and I have bad days. I still hate I'm still jealous of every pregnant woman I see. All the family babies that have been born in the last five years... I hate getting their birthday party invites because they just remind me how long we've been doing this. I should have a child older than that niece. When that nephew's first birthday invite arrives, I should be thinking about Austin's first birthday.

There are times I feel okay about it, good enough to discuss my struggles with others. There are other times where I break down for no apparent reason. It's like the tears were there, just waiting for me to let my guard down. I don't even feel sad, and then there they are.

Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm losing my mind.


  1. Good to see you back to blogging.

    Oh I still have that green eye at times myself. Especially when friends my age are now becoming grandparents because their son or daughter didn't think about the consequences. Teen pregnancy really gets me angry.

    Hoping that you can get together with your DH soon to "get it on". Good luck.

  2. Sending love to you, sweetheart. This shit is so damn hard. <3


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