Saturday, February 25, 2012

Picking Myself Up

Thanks for allowing me my pityfest yesterday.

I decided today, that as sad and defeated as I feel, I have to keep moving forward. I don't share everything on this blog, and sometimes I feel I might be a little phony for not laying it all out on the line. There are just some things I don't want to talk about.

The biggest thing I haven't discussed is my husband's health. He has been sick for a while. Sometimes he gets better, sometimes he gets worse. Right now he is better, but his disease has affected us in multiple ways, including draining our finances. However, it's his health and this blog is about me, not him. I know he wouldn't be comfortable with me sharing all the gory details of his life, so I won't.

Other things I may have discussed on Twitter, but haven't brought into this blog... My ancient, sick dog and my job.

My 16 year old dog has had issues with her bladder for weeks, and her vet doesn't seem to care enough to get me meds. Long story, but after spending $1000 of money I don't have, I am done with him. I have enough meds to last a lifetime now, so in a couple weeks I'll have her culture repeated. By a different vet.

And my job. I have been working 6 days a week for a while. I think I got two days off back in the beginning of December, and then two days in January. And then I demanded two days off this week. I have been doing two jobs, and last week they doled out a 10% pay cut across the board. This doesn't work for me. I was only getting about $30 a paycheck before (so $15 a week to live on) and my husband is only getting a few hours a week at his TWO jobs. Not to mention he was off work for two weeks because of illness. Now, I am $87 a paycheck short on my mortgage, and that's before groceries, gas, etc. Let's not even mention that I took a 10% paycut in September when I took this job. So, those marathons I was training for? Can't afford to register, much less go. It's hard to train for a race you can't do. Besides, not sure I'm going to be able to train at any quality once I cut fresh fruits and vegetables out of my diet. The good news is that this will be the easiest diet! Hard to cheat when you don't have food in the house. At all.

(By the way, as you can see above, I try really hard to be funny/sarcastic and it just comes out sarcastic. This is why I will never be a great comedic writer. I need to figure out how to take the edge out.)

To add to the paycut, I am still looking at 6 day workweeks, and I have to deal with two people I absolutely despise. Why do I despise them? because they are the epitome of all talk, no action. They are supposed to be helping the company, but they haven't done a single thing that is helpful. They haven't brought in any revenue, they haven't even brought in a decent prospect. What they do is give everything away for free in the name of "business." Supposedly, these business prospects are going to work out and make us money, but in the meantime, I have more work accommodating all of their crap. Oh, and did I mention that they call me incessantly on my cell phone, even on my days off. Maybe if I actually could take a break, I would be in a better mood and not want to rip off their heads and shove them up their asses.

What I am mostly angry about is I love my job and I don't want to move again, but the complete lack of respect for me and my position is infuriating. Sometimes I wonder if I should finally act out of anger, and just quit. I was in a position like this four years ago, and I should have quit then, but I did the "responsible" thing and stayed at a job that I hated until they threw me out four years later. Right now, I might only be $87 short on my bills, if I quit, I will be a hell of a lot shorter. I have been fantasizing about declaring bankrufptcy, and moving away, but I certainly don;t have the balls for that.

Oh, and last - my due date is approaching. Which means I am getting all kinds of fun things in the mail - yesterday I got Similac, a postcard for a balloon company, and an ad for casting my newborn baby's feet and hands in bronze. Fanfuckingtastic. Just what I need! I'm so looking forward to the next 5-10 weeks. At what age do these things stop? Any idea how I can stop them now? If I knew which shitty website sold my name (I'm looking at you, The Bump) I would send them multiple scathing emails. Maybe I should send scathing emails to every pregnancy website out there.

So that's more of what is going on in my world. I'm not a positive person to begin with, so it's hard to see the sunny side. I do love my husband and my dogs, I love where I am living, and I love my job whenever I don't have to deal with the two jackasses. I just need things to get better. I want to be happy, I just haven't yet developed that skill, to be happy no matter what is going on.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Defeated

I give up on life. Except I don't have giving up in me. I do what I need to do, but I'm screaming inside. I can't do anything right. Nothing is going right. I often think it's me. I have bad karma from a past life. My negativity pulls negativity towards me. I just don't have the right outlook.

Except I always get cut down right about the time I think something is finally going to go right. Right about the time I start to believe my pregnancy might actually be viable, my baby's heart ceases to beat. Right about the time I think I love my job, the floor drops out from under me. Am I actually a bad person, and just delusional to think I am not?

Sometimes I feel like anything good that happens to me is just the universe setting me up for more heartbreak. I don't know how much more I can take.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Storks

It's hard to let go of the extreme unfairness of infertility. I'm not in any way saying I am more deserving than others, but I don't understand why so many amazing and deserving people are denied parenthood, when others don't give it a second thought. I know I have blogged about this very topic before, and it's old news. But I still can't shake the anger and sadness.

There are days where I feel so much more in control of my life and emotions. I feel calm, and can talk about it in a matter-of-fact moment. I get compliments about how well I am dealing with everything. And then other days where I tear up at my desk, or fall asleep crying. I obviously need some more therapy, but even when therapy helps, I seem to hit a dead end in healing. The last way I got past that wall was with antidepressants, and I don't want to go down that road again. For now, my therapy has been running, but the effects seem to be short lived, at least for now.

Even though I'm staring at the end of my body's fertility, I'm still not ready to completely let go of my genetic's future. There are so many things that I wanted to pass down to my biological child. Musicality and mathmatics, two things that don't seem to be related, but so are. My artistic sense as well as physical strength. I wanted my child to have a more complete life than I did, to be more open to the possibilities of life, something I didn't have a chance to do until I was older. Too old, in fact. Some might say that it's so I can live vicariously through my child, and maybe in some ways it is. But in reality, I just want to see some of my talents find life in the most natural person it can - my child.

So I walk this line between despair and hope. I can't be the only one that feels this way, but I sometimes wonder if I'm the only person who has given up (without letting her heart give up). I have no plans for more treatment, or even adoption. I never have been religious, but maybe I'm going down that road. I suppose if it's meant to be, it will be. And maybe I will be okay with everything by the time this chapter of my life is complete, one way or another.

Weight Loss - Not an exact science

This week I appeared to have gained 1/2 a pound. WTH. Even though it's a convenient excuse, I wonder if I'm not eating enough calories. The first week I was doing this, I didn't exercise, and was 267 calories under my goal (as calculated by Lose it! to lose 2 pounds a week), and I lost four pounds. Granted, some of that was water weight. The next week, I added in exercise - Bodyrock and some running - and I was under my goal by 358 calories and lost 2 pounds. This week, I've exercised more than last week, I'm under my calorie goal by over 1000 calories. That's probably too much. I have made sure I eat at least my pre-exercise calorie goal every day, but maybe I'm not fueling my body enough.

To be super anal retentive, we can look at my average macros of Fat/Carbs/Protein (Wheeee!):

Week 1 - 21/59/21
Week 2 - 27/50/22
Week 3 - 29/47/24

So, should I be going lower fat, higher carbs?

This is what drives me nuts about weight loss. The good news (and maybe the only news I should care about) is that I have lost an inch from my waist! I know I shouldn't be so hung up on the scale, but it's the first and easiest form of feedback.

What else do I need to report on? I have done 10 workouts, so I deserve a massage! I also already ordered Bridesmaids for reaching 185. Well, I hope to be back under 185 by the time it arrives, so it's not really cheating. I still haven't reached all of my weekly goals, so no trip to Rite Aid for me. I did stretch once this week though, so I'm getting better. Continuously getting better, and I guess that's really the only goal.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Day 2 of the BodyRock Challenge

I ended up doing day 2 today instead of yesterday, mostly because they seem to post the workouts late, so I thought an extra day would help me do my workout when its most convenient for me!

I'm still good on eating, but the cravings are starting to get to me. It's probably more Pinterest than anything... these looked so incredibly good. The weird thing was that for the first 2 t0 2 1/2 weeks, I had no cravings whatsoever, and all of a sudden, here I am. Oh well, I'm managing well, considering I had a mini Twix on my desk today and I didn't eat it. Go me!

Anyway, my scores! I did the 300 rep challenge in 26:09, and on the abs workout, I did 7 reptile pushups (each side), 30 mountain climbers, and 43 star pushups, minus the pushup. Freddy didn't actually do pushups, so I didn't either!

Monday, February 6, 2012

Bodyrock 30 Day Challenge, part Deux

So, after one week of following January's 30 day challenge, Bodyrock decided to post a new one for February: The No Excuses 30 Day Challenge.

So, after only one week, I decided to start again, and to do the Fit Test again. In one week, I already have a lot of progress! I think part of it is definitely because I am learning how to do the moves, not really because I am getting that much fitter, but who cares, right?

Fit Test Scores:

Squat Jump: 24 (+3)
Push Ups (on my knees, on my knuckles): 15 (-5, I blame my bad hand)
Burpees: 9 (+2)
High Knees: 64 (+23)
Switch Lunges: 15 (each side, +5)
Tuck Jumps: 19 (+14)
Straight Abs (modified to crunches): 44 (+12)

I've also been running - Got a four mile run in on my day off, and then ran home from work Saturday and today. Saturday's run had a misfortune - I had a choice between a car and a patch of ice, and I chose the ice. I slowed to a walk, but I made the wrong choice - I slipped and fell. I landed mostly on my ass but my hand found it's way to the ground as well. That night I thought I might have broken it, but it felt much better the next morning. It's still sore and I can't put weight on my palm (which is why my pushups and burpees today were done on my knuckles) but I am proud of myself for getting the fit test done today!

Overall, I'm pretty happy with how I'm feeling, and my motivation level. Oh, and I've lost 6 pounds in two weeks, so I must be doing something right. And that means I get to buy Bridesmaids! :D

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

I had a great idea yesterday - to bring my running stuff to work, change at the end of the day, get off the bus much earlier than normal and then run the rest of the way home! Brilliant, right? Until I realized that I had no idea where my backpack is. Have I mentioned that I'm still not unpacked completely? And I'm not sure when I want to unpack, because packing was such a huge pain in the ass.

Anyway, I have plans to beg, borrow or steal a backpack in the next couple of days, so this plan should go into effect next week at the latest. Slowly but surely I am getting into the groove. Week one of eating in my calorie zone, week two I added in some workouts, week three I should get all my runs in, and then maybe by week four, I will be hitting all my goals by finally adding in some stretching/yoga. And so far, thanks to BodyRock, the weather, my Wii Fit and some videos, I have been able to accomplish all of this without paying for a gym membership. Someday, I will probably have to, but until then, this is working out just fine.

I started the BodyRock 30 day challenge just this week, and after three days, realized that I was supposed to be marking down my scores. Hahahaha! I also saw that there is a second 30 day challenge starting next week. I think I will start with that one next week, so I guess mine will be a 37 day challenge when all is said and done. No rules, so no rule breaking as long as I keep it up, right?

I have also been working through my infertility a little more, but that's another blog topic.