Friday, July 12, 2013

Infertility of Marriage

Infertility, and in many ways, life in general, is taxing to a marriage. I have seen too many couples break up. Some are terrible stories of disrespect, and others end because the stress caused them to slowly grow apart, as if the pain made life together unbearable.

I have noticed a chasm in my marriage, pushing us apart. We are well past infertility and treatment and making child free decisions, so this is not necessarily infertility related. However, as any infertility survivor knows, getting past infertility does not heal the wounds - the influence of something like that extends throughout your life.

My husband has a very stressful job. It's odd to think of his job as being stressful, because he has a cool sounding title at a cool sounding company. I know first hand what that's like, having formerly worked for the wicked witch of the west at a cool sounding company.

Complete days off over the last year could be tallied on fingers and toes - he often works seven days a week. He gets to work by 7:30 am and rarely comes home until after 6:00 pm, and then he spends his evening checking emails and answering texts and phone calls. I don't remember the last time he really spent a moment with me.

I have been getting more and more frustrated. When I try to talk to him and he is staring at his phone, it makes my blood boil. When he walks through the door, fuming at his day, and his mood compbined with his arrival at 7:30 pm, after we have settled down for the evening, and agitates the puppy to the point of barking and tearing around the house grabbing at inappropriate chew toys, that bothers me. When he blows up at me for asking him to put down his phone, look at me or come do bed at 11:00 at night, I wonder if I can put up with his shit much longer.

I just want things back to where they were. The miscarriage was very difficult, but we pulled together. The move was stressful but once we got here, it was better. This job is challenging our relationship more than I could have ever imagined.

Tonight we are meeting up with another couple for dinner, and being on a weight loss plan, I'm trying to plan my meal. I can't decide between two dishes, and in cases like these, I can usually convince him to get one so I can get the other and we can share. We do this all the time. This one thing made me realize that I can't imagine life without him.

We need to talk about our relationship - I just hope he can put his phone down long enough to listen to me.

9 comments:

  1. Good luck. Stressful jobs can really tax a marriage. I'm looking forward to the day when we are financially secure enough to ditch ours. That is my chief goal right now. Hope the talk goes well.

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    1. Thanks! Can't wait till we all retire! ;)

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  2. I'm so sorry it's tough going. :( Stressful jobs can be quite difficult on a relationship, especially if there is little to no work-life balance. He sounds stressed out. Perhaps he feels he must be engaged 24/7 just to keep the job?

    I was like this in my career for ages (it was always in the top 10 most stressful job lists) and now I am considering re-entry back in, and trying to contemplate how to best do so. It's hard. Maybe he can see a career counselor or even a therapist for techniques for a better balance, ways to push back, etc.?

    Wishing you two all the best. (((Hugs)))

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  3. Infertility took a huge toll on our marriage as well. Now that our ttc days are over, I assumed that it would be easy to get things back on track. Joke was on me. All that time, I was blaming infertility for our issues, and failing to recognize the impact of being over-scheduled and exhausted all the time. I wish you the very best of luck. This marriage stuff is really HARD.

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  4. We're not CFNBC yet but may be in the near future. I don't know we can survive it. Infertility has completely changed me. I often wonder if we'd still be together if it were not for the one frozen embryo we still have. Once that's gone, I really don't know. I love him, but I also feel like there's nothing there a lot of the time.

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  5. I can relate. My husband was in a high-stress job and sometimes his moodiness was extremely hard to live with. Two months ago, he got pink slipped. Different set of problems to deal with these days ; ) but the stress is gone. He still has the odd flareup of temper, but it's generally much further & fewer between these days and his mood overall is much improved. Good luck!

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