Thursday, September 12, 2013
Read At Your Own Risk
If you are squeamish, closed minded, or don't really want to her about the adventures of my ass, you are invited to close this Internet window now.
Still here? Okay, you can't say you weren't warned!
I'm going to start by saying that there weren't any major accidents, so if that's the reason you are reading, I'm so sorry to disappoint. That's not to say there weren't drops spilled, but fortunately the process as a whole was fairly clean.
I started by making the coffee. It's not entirely unpleasant smelling, but definitely lighter than I expected, and not something that you would ever make the mistake of brewing in your coffee maker. It doesn't smell like something you want to drink. Good thing too because that's not where it's going.
Every step of the way is a potential disaster - buckets with holes, tubes, clamps, and one wrong move could cause your coffee to end up on the floor. Fortunately I was so freaked out concerned about doing it right that I was VERY careful.
I set everything up in the bathroom as recommended. A pillow, a book and a puppy pad (the pup is potty trained now so what else should I use them for?) I dry brushed twice before to help stimulate the blood flow and release of toxins, and then lay down to do the deed.
It wasn't entirely unpleasant, and was way cleaner than I expected it to be. I think I did okay for my first time! One thing that was surprising is that the hose leaks a bit even when the clamp is on. Not a huge deal, just a couple do drops here and there. I'm supposed to do it twice in one session, and hold each assfull (assfull is appropriate, right?) in for 12 minutes, which is 3-4 cycles of blood through your body. It was easier to hold it in than I thought, since I had nightmare visions of leaking all over my bathroom floor. However, the longer it's in, the more you want to let it go! The first time, I was only able to hold it in for about 10 minutes, the second time only about 7 minutes. I don't care if you try to read or listen to to music or what - your brain is completely focused on keeping your ass closed. It's really hard to ignore the pressure so time will go by faster. I didn't get a gall bladder release, maybe next time. If I'm doing this three times a week, I'm sure I'll be getting lots of practice and lots of opportunity to fine tune my skills.
I do find myself looking forward to my next go at it, just to see if I get better. LOL. And that was the cleanest my ass has ever felt. I can actually see why people get addicted.
So there you go! I'm hoping this works... ;)