Saturday, October 5, 2013

Funny Vs. Coffee in my Butt

Contrary to the dreary tone this blog has historically taken (woe is infertile, childless me with no future), I like to be funny. Sometimes my sense of humor doesn't translate in words, because even when I am funny, I'm very likely to be that dry funny, where people aren't sure if you're really just a bitch or if you were joking.

So when I heard that my nutritionist spit her wine out when reading my "Read At Your Own Risk" post, that made me very happy. I think I should write more funny posts. So what better way than to update you with my coffee tales?

I've been doing them three times a week for several weeks, and no, not everything has always gone exactly to plan. Have I had a major blowout? Sorry to disappoint you, no. No major blowouts. But I have had a couple of near misses in that area.

The hardest thing for me is holding it for the full 12 minutes. I get there maybe 50% of the time. I don't have a flexible schedule, at all. And that morning energy has yet to kick in. Maybe because it's dark when I should be getting up. Isn't there something about sunlight and our natural circadian rhythms? So, I'm not doing them in the morning, unless I have a day off, and that means I'm trying to cram it in between all the other things I have on my plate in the evenings: walking the dogs, making dinner, cleaning, laundry, tweeting, blogging, and all the other random things I never think about until it's midnight and I'm still running around like a mad housewife. Now you know why my poor blog is so neglected. Anyway, back to my butt.

To help with holding it in, I'm doing a warm water enema to "clean me out." Yes, you read that right. I am now, voluntarily, putting liquid up my ass three times a session. I do find that the emptier I am, the easier it is to hold it in.

But not always. There are times when, if I were standing, I would be doing the potty dance. Full on dance around like an idiot clenching buttcheeks kind of potty dance. In fact, I do a horizontal potty dance sometimes. Not to be confused with another horizontal dance. This blog DID spend many years as a TTC blog...

I find the easiest way to try and forget about the assfull of coffee (that was the word that inspired the wine spewing) that your butt would like to release sooner rather than later, is to watch YouTube videos. Scrolling through Pinterest or Facebook just doesn't provide the full on distraction that is needed to get your mind off the toilet.

So, what horrible things have happened? Once, I forgot to close the enema tube, and all my warm water leaked all over the bathroom floor. That really wasn't that bad, except for trying to clean up water and make more, all with trying to hurry up and get this over with before the dogs flip out/the phone rings/my husband comes home. At least it wasn't my coffee which takes a minimum of 20 minutes to prepare, not including cooling time.

Sometimes, even when you clip the tube closed, it still leaks. Those are times when I am thankful for the puppy pads. What am I going to do when I run out???

I have had moments of anal leakage. Not a lot, and only on the puppy pad, but it's humiliating. Even though nobody else knows it happened. Except now you do. I'm telling you to amuse you so please appreciate it.

I have accidentally poured enema coffee on my head. Don't ask. It has something to do with contortionists and laying on the floor. I tell myself it's okay because that coffee hasn't touched my ass. I don't know how valid that is, but that's how I continue to live with myself.

I'm sure my husband would be stoked to know that I use my ipad during my sessions. He'll never find out because he doesn't take the time to read my blog. Besides, it's MY ipad FFS. Hopefully this made you chuckle a little, as I am under no illusion that this was a wine-spitting worthy post. But I am going to revamp the blog again, with puppies and rainbows and bright pink unicorns. Just because I can.

You're welcome.


  1. I so couldn't do what you are doing. I detest enemas.

  2. I hear you about my brand of funny not coming across in writing, I'm much more funny in real life. But you are right theres nothing not funny about coffee in your ass.


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