Wednesday, October 30, 2013

The Desire for Motherhood

As much as I know I have come to peace with childfree, I also still have those pangs. Any infertile understands exactly what those pangs feel like - the cramp of the stomach, the tingling in your eyes and nose,the pain in the heart. The longer I am away from the effort of overcoming infertility, the less often they come, but they still hit and usually at the most unexpected moments. And that makes me question if I am truly embracing childfree.

Then I start thinking about the desire for children. I have wanted children with my husband from the moment I knew I loved him. However, I can't really explain why. Does anyone actually have a good reason to have kids? I think it's mostly The Selfish Gene in action. Wanting a child is something that nobody can really explain. Why does one person want parenthood and another does not?

I already know that I will survive this. I already know I can be happy without having a baby. But I also want to alleviate the pain, and I haven't found a good way to do that yet. I just know that the intensity and frequency of the pain seems to lessen with time and activity. The more I do to make myself happy now seems to make the difference.

I spent too much time putting my life on hold while trying to conceive and undergoing fertility treatment. If there is anything I learned, it is to live your life for now, not to put anything on hold for any reason. Your happiness is determined by you, and while outside circumstances can threaten that happiness, you can't let them determine it.

Thank you to Fertility Authority for featuring me as their Blog of the Week. Fertility Authority is a fantastic resource for anyone whose life has been touched by infertility, with access to information, support, referrals to infertility specialists, and more.

10 comments:

  1. Love your post. I may soon have to come to terms with living childfree.

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  2. I started grad school around the time we started TTC and decided we would figure out how to manage work, school and a baby when it happened. Well, it didn't for a long time. I was in grad school for 5 years, and it took 4 years to have D. I am SO glad I didn't put off grad school b/c it was a much-needed distraction. I hope you can figure out how to alleviate the pain and yes, put yourself and your happiness first.

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    1. So glad you didn't wait! Best laid plans

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    1. Yup! Time to focus on the present (((hugs)))

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  4. Being a mother is helping others to see their full potential. Life may not be what you planned at this time, but that does not make it less sweet. Your destiny is to help others. This blog is evidence of that. I cried with a friend as she went through fertility treatment month after month without success. I wish we had your blog to help us during that time. Your beautiful life and happiness will be a beacon of hope for many.

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    1. <3 Thank you for your kind words. I hope I do help others!

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  5. I understand completely. But by the sound of it you may not have come to terms with CHILD FREE. I never could come to terms with it after ending failed fertility treatment either. We chose adoption which I was afraid would feel different or not as wonderful and I was wrong. meeting your baby for the first time is the same if you just birthed them or someone else did, no different. The closest person in your life is your husband, you share your life, your bed, your finances and your future with this man and you share NO blood relation. So it doesn't matter if you share the same blood with your baby or not. When you are joined with that child and he/she looks at you and says Mama, it doesn't matter. In fact I found I felt closer then I thought to my child because I had to work so dang hard to find her. I have later found out that I had a angioma in my brain that was bleeding out and caused seizures. I had brain surgery for it and the seizures stopped. But Doctors have told me that the birth process could have caused a major bleed, leading to stroke and could have been life threatening. So, the morale to my story. I thank God for UN answered prayers and for my daughter who grew in my heart and not under it. Just something to think about. However, I understand your pain and grieving, because that's what it is, grieving. The grieving of a lost dream and the need to feel a baby in your belly. But maybe when you are ready, adoption could be a way to fill that longing. All infertility journeys are different so I will think of you and pray for you as you find your way down YOUR path.

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  6. My infertility journey teaches me to stand face-to-face with my pain and then embrace it. Really imagining myself hugging the pain in my mind...and then letting myself be immersed by and enveloped by the pain that usually makes me cry my eyes out. Bottom line is I just let it all out. This is how I alleviate my pain. I hope you find ways to alleviate yours.

    Oh yeah, and it helps me to think of this journey not with a specific ending, but just enjoying the ride and learning whatever lessons I can find along the way. For me, when I tried to figure out how long it'd take for me to reach complete healing (if such a thing is possible), it only made me feel frustrated.

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