Tuesday, January 21, 2014

I'm a Horrible Fucking Person

Well, really, I'm just infertile.

I found out that my sadistic ex-boss finally found someone to marry her. You know how infertiles say they wouldn't wish infertility even on their worst enemy? Ummm yeah. If anyone on this planet deserves infertility, it's her. If she ends up infertile, I might feel slightly bad, but I remember how awful she treated me during my cycles, putting me in situations where I had to defy my doctor's guidelines in order to get my job done. In fact, the mind games and severe amount of stress she put me through was certainly a factor in my infertility and my declining health. I am still trying to fix what that job did to me. So maybe I'm an evil fucking bitch, but I think she deserves to walk in my shoes.

Of course, knowing the way the universe works, I'm sure she'll be knocked up in no time. I'm sure she'll have all the kids she wants, the perfect genders, the perfect amount of time in between their births. 

I'm also insanely jealous of all those people that never know infertility. Specifically a woman I used to work with. I like her and I don't wish anything bad for her, but I'm so jealous! She left the company recently because her husband got his dream job on another state. I applied for her job, but they let her work remotely at an obnoxiously high salary until she got another job. I applied again, and even though most of senior management wanted me to get it, I still didn't it. Of course the person they hired didn't last three weeks. So you think I would be able to apply again or at least be next in line? Nope, now they decided they aren't hiring for it until October at the earliest. But aside from all this, this woman who had the position originally, she's pregnant again. I know not everyone's life is perfect, but hers looks pretty fucking close, and all I can do is think about what I don't have. It's sick, really.

And don't bother telling me that I don't deserve to have kids or I'm going to hell. I've already heard it all. I wonder if I would be this bitter if I was able to give birth at any point during the last six years. Probably not.

4 comments:

  1. I LOVE honest posts, and admire peopel who are really willing to put it all out there. You aren't evil- you're hurting. Not only do these women make me jealous- they make me feel like shit about myself and about my body's failings. It just sucks all around.

    As someone who has given birth in the last six years (but has miscarried over and over since then), I can say that you just never know how you might feel, because you never know what life is going to throw at you. I have had a child, but I'm bitter as hell at all the people out there who have more than one. Sigh... this is such a tough journey- we need to be gentle with ourselves. Hugs...

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  2. I get it. Man, I totally get it. Fuck anybody who tells me this is some demented God's plan, or that it's just not meant to be while they screw their husband once & end up with twins. I am seated on the bus to hell right next to you. ((hugs))

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  3. (((HUGS))) It's unfair, unfair, unfair. I can relate to the unfairness of it all. For me personally these days, who deserves what doesn't matter because life doesn't work that way. THANK YOU for being so honest in your post. I'm sorry that you didn't get the job and the children you'll definitely love with all your heart. Wishing you more comfort and peace as time goes by...

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