Sunday, May 18, 2014

Insecurity

It only takes one minute event to shake my confidence. Last night was a wonderful party, there were a lot of people I don't get to see often. I'm glad I went. But it was also a lesson in how fragile my self esteem actually is.

There were speeches, discussing this woman's wonderful career. Her persistence, her tenacity and her incredible instinct for business. And this reminded me how different I am from her. I immediately began to think I didn't have any of those things. I thought about where I am now compared to where she was at my age, and I start feeling inadequate. I don't know where I am going with this job. I love it, but I don't see much room for growth. I still feel like I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and I'm fucking 40 years old.

Then during her speech, she didn't mention me. I'm not saying I expected it, but it would have been nice. I realize she had a bigger impact on me than I did on her. But she did mention the person who took over my position when I left, and said she was like a daughter to her. Sting. Then she said that this person's daughter was a granddaughter to her. Double sting.

Of course, then the floodgates opened. Now I'm feeling insecure, not good enough because I have no career AND I have no children. I guess more people are willing to overlook the childless thing if you're a big career power player, right? And those with children can get away with not being as aggressive in the business world. And I'm suddenly feeling fat, sad, old, slow... you name it, I felt it.

But, my daily blog is supposed to be about being positive for a change. So what good can come of this? At least I'm more aware of what makes me feel this way, and knowing is half the battle. Knowing means I can reverse these feelings with meditation, positive self talk and mantras. So that's what I'm working on today.

Today, I'm grateful for all of you. Those who I know read and don't comment, but especially those who do leave me a note once in a while. Knowing that you're there and even remotely interested in my life does make me feel better. I'm also grateful for my resilience - how many times have I gone to a very dark place and recovered. I'm grateful I didn't go too far down the road of self destruction this time before realizing and making an effort to rectify. I'm grateful to have a roof over my head and enough money to buy healthy food for everyone in my family.

I have to remember that money and possessions aren't important. That if I have a job I like and I make enough to survive and have a little fun, that's enough.

My random act of kindness today - I technically have two. I gave my husband's cousin vouchers for a free ski ticket today, and I helped a family from India get the most out of their visit to the mountains. Having them thank me profusely and walk away with a smile, on their way to an adventure, was awesome.

4 comments:

  1. We will never feel good enough if we go by society's standards. Society is designed to never let us feel good enough. You are good enough, not many people can go through what we have been through and make out the other side like we have. You are amazing.

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  2. (((HUGS))) Understand why it stings. You know what, I think you are growing by learning about yourself and what you're feeling and what you're going to do about it. Life is more than just about work. It's about the whole of you. And to be able to be kind to others while you're in pain, that's also something I applaud!

    When I moved to Finland, I was also at a loss as to what I wanted to do. The options are very limited because life in this village means that there aren't as many job opportunities or universities like in the big cities, but you're right, if our focus is more in self-improvement as a whole...in recapturing the joy of not knowing and just learning whatever lesson is provided for us today/at any given moment, then it's easier to achieve and by doing so, we'll have more joy. Because I find that competition with other people will always make us feel insecure many times and in the end it can make us feel depressed. There are always always higher mountains out there and greener grass and more beautiful gardens. So here's to your splendid efforts! Give yourself a BIG pat in the back for being real as well! :-)

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  3. I'm not going to say that I've been in your shoes but I know what it feels like to cut yourself down when others around you forget to appreciate what you've done. I think you are wonderful and you should too.

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  4. You helped me through my first marathon...you helped fundraised so many times to cure cancer... you're a wonderful mom to some very lucky pups that you adopted! Careers, doesn't matter how great, ends at some point... and not having children doesn't mean that you are not making less impact in this world! In fact, I think you're making WAY MORE impact than many parents I know... I always wonder how many people will show up at my funeral, and what would they say about me..I know, it's grim. But I want you to know that you are such a supportive, positive force in my and I'm sure many others lives. And that, is really something you should be so so proud of! Big heart means way more (and I think we also need that more) than a big fat paycheck and fancy job title and/or a ton of offsprings... I think anyways.... <3

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