Sunday, May 18, 2014
It only takes one minute event to shake my confidence. Last night was a wonderful party, there were a lot of people I don't get to see often. I'm glad I went. But it was also a lesson in how fragile my self esteem actually is.
There were speeches, discussing this woman's wonderful career. Her persistence, her tenacity and her incredible instinct for business. And this reminded me how different I am from her. I immediately began to think I didn't have any of those things. I thought about where I am now compared to where she was at my age, and I start feeling inadequate. I don't know where I am going with this job. I love it, but I don't see much room for growth. I still feel like I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and I'm fucking 40 years old.
Then during her speech, she didn't mention me. I'm not saying I expected it, but it would have been nice. I realize she had a bigger impact on me than I did on her. But she did mention the person who took over my position when I left, and said she was like a daughter to her. Sting. Then she said that this person's daughter was a granddaughter to her. Double sting.
Of course, then the floodgates opened. Now I'm feeling insecure, not good enough because I have no career AND I have no children. I guess more people are willing to overlook the childless thing if you're a big career power player, right? And those with children can get away with not being as aggressive in the business world. And I'm suddenly feeling fat, sad, old, slow... you name it, I felt it.
But, my daily blog is supposed to be about being positive for a change. So what good can come of this? At least I'm more aware of what makes me feel this way, and knowing is half the battle. Knowing means I can reverse these feelings with meditation, positive self talk and mantras. So that's what I'm working on today.
Today, I'm grateful for all of you. Those who I know read and don't comment, but especially those who do leave me a note once in a while. Knowing that you're there and even remotely interested in my life does make me feel better. I'm also grateful for my resilience - how many times have I gone to a very dark place and recovered. I'm grateful I didn't go too far down the road of self destruction this time before realizing and making an effort to rectify. I'm grateful to have a roof over my head and enough money to buy healthy food for everyone in my family.
I have to remember that money and possessions aren't important. That if I have a job I like and I make enough to survive and have a little fun, that's enough.
My random act of kindness today - I technically have two. I gave my husband's cousin vouchers for a free ski ticket today, and I helped a family from India get the most out of their visit to the mountains. Having them thank me profusely and walk away with a smile, on their way to an adventure, was awesome.