Monday, December 29, 2014

Positive Body Image

My friend Rebecca reminded me that I need to love myself. Which is totally true. While I've never really thought I had an issue with loving myself, I am starting to see how I might be having issues right now.

The problem is all those exercises and tips for promoting positive body image don't really apply to me. I don't have a problem with loving myself, for thinking I am valuable, for having self esteem. I am fine with my flaws, from the gap in my teeth to the mole on my cheek. I don't need to look picture perfect nor do I need to wear makeup every second of the day. The biggest issue I have right now is clothes.

First, my clothes don't fit. None of them, aside from the stretchy pieces, which don't really count. Especially when my underwear creates lumps and rolls underneath them. I have neither the desire nor the motivation to purchase new (bigger) clothes that fit. Not gonna happen.

Second, and while I want to say I can ignore the mass media and what they think is attractive, I can't make myself believe that the clothes and styles I love don't look about 1000 times better on a thinner girl. Maybe I need to be looking at different fashion sites, or perhaps I can quit my job and be a country girl so that the pressure to dress fashionably is diminished. I know there are amazing style icons out there that are plus sized, but for whatever reason, I don't love their outfits. Maybe I haven't found the right inspiration yet.

On a side note, I'm also way out of shape and slow. My running speed has taken a huge hit, and that's part of my diminished self esteem. It's much easier to love your body regardless of size when you can run a marathon. I have less than three months to get myself to a decent pace so time is of the essence.

I don't see excess weight as a potential flaw, I see it as something that simply needs to be remedied. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I know the excess weight I am carrying is unhealthy and should be taken care of for my health, not just my vanity.

Anyway, I do love myself. I am smart, I am talented, I am strong, I am a bad ass mothereffer. There's just a little more to love than I would like.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Words to the Wise

Hub and I were figuring out our Christmas Card. He wanted to get cards with some funny vintage photo on it, but I had already purchased a Groupon for photo cards. We had no good photos of us. We had procrastinated far too long.

But then I had a brilliant idea! What about photos of us as children on Santa's lap? I always cried in mine, and apparently my husband always inherently knew that the scary fat man was the key to Christmas winning, so he always smiled like a fucking angel. I found a card that said "Naughty or Nice" and the idea was born into fruition.

Now these photos are faded and dated. I didn't think anyone would misunderstand who these kids were. But instead, I have received multiple questions. "Who are those kids?" "They can't be your kids, they must be your friends kids." "Did you adopt those kids?" FML.

What I wouldn't give to get little clones of me and my husband just like those kids on my Christmas card. I know he was a pain in the ass to parent, and I wasn't a piece of cake either, but I'd take it. Or how incredibly impossible would it be to adopt two small children that looked so much like us?

Seeing family for Christmas will be hard, with all those kids running around. I can only hope that the people I don't like won't be there, because it's hard enough being around those whose company I enjoy.

Anyway, moral of the story: Don't put photos of any kids (even you) on your cards if you don't want the Spanish Inquisition.

Merry Christmas!

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

January. Rife With Possibility.

I believe I've already mentioned my current obsession with brown butter. I am blaming brown butter on everything that is wrong with the world. Namely, why none of my clothes fit.

As usual, my continually expanding waistline will be cut off from sugar, brown butter and all that is delicious right after Christmas, and then I would like to start a Whole30 on January 2. You know, right after a NYE of drinking followed by a New Year's Day of mimosas.

That's the thing about weight loss New Year's resolutions - so much debauchery has occurred in the preceeding 6 weeks, that you're practically sick of eating all this crap. I know my heartburn has come back with a vengance. Sugar and wine. Fuck. Two of my favorite things. I just have to get through the next few days and then I can eat like a human again. I'm sure you're wondering why I can't eat normal now? BECAUSE IT'S CHRISTMAS! And I have no will power.

Oh yeah, and I'll be joining a gym. Mostly because running in the snow sucks. But also because I'm so out of shape - tight, inflexible, weak, flabby. But once again, I have been waiting until after Christmas, because I can't see paying for 4 days of the gym when I won't be in town. Ridiculous? Yes. But that's how my mind works.

I do have visions of me looking hot. What's sad though is I haven't looked hot in 10 years. Even after losing all the weight with Weight Watchers, followed by losing weight with My Fitness Pal, followed by losing weight with Dietbet, and finally with Paleo/Grain Free.

Maybe I should settle for fitting into my pants without a muffin top the size of California.

Monday, December 22, 2014

Oh, The Holidays

It just wouldn't be the holidays without me trying to cram far too much into too little time.

I got my cards out early, I got my shopping done and wrapped. I baked cookies. I should be ahead of the game!

Except my husband (and some other person in my household, ahem) ate most of the cookies, so I had to bake more. Last night. After spending the evening with friends I haven't seen in months. So I may or may not have been awake past 1:00 am last night this morning. I have to bake more tonight, and hubby is trying to get me to go to dinner with his friends in a town 25 minutes away.


Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Random thoughts on a Tuesday that is really really close to Christmas

Browned butter is the most amazing thing I have ever tasted.

Why do I feel like I am constantly expanding?

I can't fucking believe I double paid my property taxes right before Christmas.

Why does that one person think it's appropriate to wear things like that to the office?

Wait, Christmas is NEXT WEEK?

Saturday, December 13, 2014

You like what I did there?

Don't you just love it when bloggers disappear for months, only to reappear for one post and then disappear again?

I didn't think so.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

5.5 Months

Did anyone miss me? I feel like I've had a lot to say, but not the energy to say it. It's not that life is bad, life is good. As good as I could ever ask for.

So why did I go mute?

Sometimes I'm not sure how to say the things I feel like talking about. Sometimes I just don't feel like putting it out into the universe. Sometimes, I'm just overwhlemed. Over summer I started a new job, and we moved to a bigger place. We're still not completely unpacked. Spare time is precious. I've been knitting. I've been reading. I should spend more time cleaning. You know, the usual.

The things that are on my mind these days....

Why am I still fat? Oh, I know - I don't work out often enough and I'm not on top of the food I eat. It's pretty much been a free for all since I started the new job. Whoops.... I'm not about to fix my diet right now, the freaking holidays are almost here. I see a whole30 in the new year. And I'm joining a gym. I'm still a bit pissed that after so much time eating real food, etc. that I didn't lose an ounce that whole fucking time. I'll start my no sugar, no fruit, no grain, no dairy thing after the new year and if that doesn't work, I'll go back to starving myself at 1200 calories a day. No, not really, but I have to threaten something.

I'm running a marathon. I know I said I haven't been working out. But I have been running. Not enough, I'm not 100% on the training schedule, but I have been getting my long runs in. I feel slow and fat and icky, but I'm getting the miles in. The race is in March. I'm really hoping the first two months of 2015 bring a little speed.

Infertility. I'm not sure when I'm going to learn. I find myself still getting caught up in the surprise of others getting pregnant around me. I don't know why it shocks and saddens me still so much. I mean, I should be used to it now, right? I've found myself wanting to be pregnant, making sure I time sex around ovulation, etc. I've also been annoying my poor husband to start eating healthier. He doesn't listen really, which pisses me off. He refuses to discuss it. I'm probably acting a little crazy. I'm certainly not hopeful though. Which probably sounds weird to those not familiar with the crazy infertility brings.

On the other side, other people's kids have been driving me batty. Maybe it's because I'm pissed off I can't have my own. I'm having a holiday party Saturday and half the food there will be spiked. And none of my friends are bringing kids. If they did, they'd have little drunkards on their hands because the cake will be spiked, the jello will be spiked and the cookies will be rum balls. I suppose they can have some of the unspiked apps, but honestly, is there a child on this planet that is going to be able to ignore the cookies?

I am going to make it a goal to blog more. In fact, I'll be keeping it on my daily to-do's. How am I supposed to become some great famous internet personality if I don't actually blog? HA! I did see that movie "Sex Tape" and it was a little annoying that she was this famous mommy blogger. I can't even be a mommy blogger. Maybe I can be a dog-mommy blogger? RIIIIGHT.