Tuesday, December 2, 2014

5.5 Months

Did anyone miss me? I feel like I've had a lot to say, but not the energy to say it. It's not that life is bad, life is good. As good as I could ever ask for.

So why did I go mute?

Sometimes I'm not sure how to say the things I feel like talking about. Sometimes I just don't feel like putting it out into the universe. Sometimes, I'm just overwhlemed. Over summer I started a new job, and we moved to a bigger place. We're still not completely unpacked. Spare time is precious. I've been knitting. I've been reading. I should spend more time cleaning. You know, the usual.

The things that are on my mind these days....

Why am I still fat? Oh, I know - I don't work out often enough and I'm not on top of the food I eat. It's pretty much been a free for all since I started the new job. Whoops.... I'm not about to fix my diet right now, the freaking holidays are almost here. I see a whole30 in the new year. And I'm joining a gym. I'm still a bit pissed that after so much time eating real food, etc. that I didn't lose an ounce that whole fucking time. I'll start my no sugar, no fruit, no grain, no dairy thing after the new year and if that doesn't work, I'll go back to starving myself at 1200 calories a day. No, not really, but I have to threaten something.

I'm running a marathon. I know I said I haven't been working out. But I have been running. Not enough, I'm not 100% on the training schedule, but I have been getting my long runs in. I feel slow and fat and icky, but I'm getting the miles in. The race is in March. I'm really hoping the first two months of 2015 bring a little speed.

Infertility. I'm not sure when I'm going to learn. I find myself still getting caught up in the surprise of others getting pregnant around me. I don't know why it shocks and saddens me still so much. I mean, I should be used to it now, right? I've found myself wanting to be pregnant, making sure I time sex around ovulation, etc. I've also been annoying my poor husband to start eating healthier. He doesn't listen really, which pisses me off. He refuses to discuss it. I'm probably acting a little crazy. I'm certainly not hopeful though. Which probably sounds weird to those not familiar with the crazy infertility brings.

On the other side, other people's kids have been driving me batty. Maybe it's because I'm pissed off I can't have my own. I'm having a holiday party Saturday and half the food there will be spiked. And none of my friends are bringing kids. If they did, they'd have little drunkards on their hands because the cake will be spiked, the jello will be spiked and the cookies will be rum balls. I suppose they can have some of the unspiked apps, but honestly, is there a child on this planet that is going to be able to ignore the cookies?

I am going to make it a goal to blog more. In fact, I'll be keeping it on my daily to-do's. How am I supposed to become some great famous internet personality if I don't actually blog? HA! I did see that movie "Sex Tape" and it was a little annoying that she was this famous mommy blogger. I can't even be a mommy blogger. Maybe I can be a dog-mommy blogger? RIIIIGHT.

1 comment:

  1. You know, first of all it's normal to get surprised at the grief waves, especially after you go through a long period of OK and then BOOM. Grief waves aren't necessarily nice to experience, but it's necessary to grieve through each wave properly/fully - no matter how long it takes, no matter how many times you need to do it. Otherwise the "unfinished business" will pile up and bite you in the ass in the future.

    CONGRATS on your new job and your exercise regime! I know what you mean about the end of this year not being a good time for losing weight. Impressed about your running/marathon. Keep at it!

    Hope you had a lovely adult-only party! :-) (((HUGS))) Stay kind to yourself...

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