Friday, January 24, 2014

Book Clubs

My turn for selecting my local book club's reading selection is coming in just a few months. Any suggestions? I personally like really quirky books (Christopher Moore anyone?) but I enjoy book club a lot more when we discuss a book that inspires actually discussion and maybe even debate. The last two books we read that were like that were Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg and The Secret Race. I am starting early because I would like to read it first so that I know I'm not steering the group wrong.

I'm looking for suggestions, so if you've recently read a good and thought provoking book, please let me know!

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

I'm a Horrible Fucking Person

Well, really, I'm just infertile.

I found out that my sadistic ex-boss finally found someone to marry her. You know how infertiles say they wouldn't wish infertility even on their worst enemy? Ummm yeah. If anyone on this planet deserves infertility, it's her. If she ends up infertile, I might feel slightly bad, but I remember how awful she treated me during my cycles, putting me in situations where I had to defy my doctor's guidelines in order to get my job done. In fact, the mind games and severe amount of stress she put me through was certainly a factor in my infertility and my declining health. I am still trying to fix what that job did to me. So maybe I'm an evil fucking bitch, but I think she deserves to walk in my shoes.

Of course, knowing the way the universe works, I'm sure she'll be knocked up in no time. I'm sure she'll have all the kids she wants, the perfect genders, the perfect amount of time in between their births. 

I'm also insanely jealous of all those people that never know infertility. Specifically a woman I used to work with. I like her and I don't wish anything bad for her, but I'm so jealous! She left the company recently because her husband got his dream job on another state. I applied for her job, but they let her work remotely at an obnoxiously high salary until she got another job. I applied again, and even though most of senior management wanted me to get it, I still didn't it. Of course the person they hired didn't last three weeks. So you think I would be able to apply again or at least be next in line? Nope, now they decided they aren't hiring for it until October at the earliest. But aside from all this, this woman who had the position originally, she's pregnant again. I know not everyone's life is perfect, but hers looks pretty fucking close, and all I can do is think about what I don't have. It's sick, really.

And don't bother telling me that I don't deserve to have kids or I'm going to hell. I've already heard it all. I wonder if I would be this bitter if I was able to give birth at any point during the last six years. Probably not.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Perfect Scenarios

Sometimes you have to put exactly what you want out into the universe with the hope you get exactly what you want. And sometimes by doing this, you realize the lack of effort you are putting in. Which is good, because you can then step it up.

I applied for a job recently, and I got an interview. However, I didn't make it past the first round of interviews. The company is well respected in its industry and their employees enjoy working for them. I would have enjoyed the work, and I have no doubt I would have been successful in the position, but the reason I really wanted it was to be closer to my family. I also wanted to get away from my current company.

The fact that I didn't even make it to an in-person interview is pretty upsetting to me. I keep trying to tell myself that the right opportunity will work out, but it's hard to believe it right now. I feel stuck in my current job, current company, current town. I can't even afford to make a move without a job because I'm fucking old now and need health insurance.

So back to putting what I want out into the universe. The perfect scenario: I land a position that pays decently and has good benefits that is in the Pacific Northwest, with the option to work part time or full time from a home office so I can afford to build a house on my family property that I love. My husband can start a business and we can live happily ever after.

I guess that means I need to start applying to more positions than just this one.

Still Waiting

To actually be okay.

I know I embarked on this Real Food diet to heal my body so I can get stronger, lose fat and balance my hormones and blood chemistry. But honestly, I continue to be motivated with the prospect that I might have the opportunity to get knocked up.

When am I going to learn?

These moments of anguish and heartbreak, that come out of nowhere, put a damper on my happiness. The sooner I get over hope, the better. Right?

Hope is a fucking whore.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

January Week 1 Grocery Shopping

Holy cow. I guess the best way to get back on track budget wise is to just track. We pretty much went through the whole month in just this week. I did place my Amish farm order which lasts us three weeks, and this week was H's birthday which included extra spending for his cake and gifts, and of course treats and food for a little party. But still!!!! So I'm going to have to buckle down a bunch just to not completely blow it this month.

Here are the dirty details:

Week of January 5: $455.98

Santa Cruz Organic limeade $4.59
Charmin Toilet Paper $12.99
Organic Eggs 2 doz $8.79
Deli turkey (for H) $8.96
2.22 lbs bananas $1.31
2.3 lbs oranges $2.28
Red onions $2.27
Roma Tomatoes $1.88
Yellow onions $2.03
2 grapefruit $2.38
White onion $1.76
Organic lacinato kale $1.99
Odwalla Orange Juice $5.99
Organic fresh rosemary $0.99
Total: $64.54

Mexican Market
2 avocados
3 oranges
2 cans coconut juice
2 bags limes
2 packages Oaxaca cheese
Total: $14

Sugar (H's birthday cake :/) 1.79
Canned Pineapple $1.59
1 Cream Cheese $4.38
Bananas $1.02
Baby Bok Choy $1.12
Brussels Sprouts $4.46
Carrots $3.65
Total: $18.01

Rite Aid
Baby wipes $5.83
Total $6.30

Health Food Store
Bulk Walnuts $2.52
Coconut shreds $4.49
Pastured butter $4.35
Total: $11.36

Crystal Light (ugh, but it is my husband's birthday) $1.50
Chicken Breasts $7.22
1 packages Grass Fed Ground Beef (I know I have a cow, but it was on sale!) $9.98
2 Avocados $2.00
Tomatoes $2.83
Ranch dressing (Again, H's birthday) $5.00
Chardonnay (H's birthday, WTF) $10.99
Total: $40.56

Amish Farm Shipment
2 Quarts Buttermilk $6.00
10 Dozen Pastured Eggs $60.00
3 pastured chickens $95.65
3 Packages maple sausage $21.28
Ginger Kombucha $5.00
Mushroom and leek cheese $7.43
1 Pint Cottage Cheese $4.50
Swiss cheese $7.43
Aged mozzarella $6.95
Chocolate Peanut Butter Ice Cream (guess I had a craving when I placed my order!) $6.50
Shipping: $44.15
Total: $264.89

Icing Tips $2.19
Blue Icing $2.49
Number 4 Candle $2.19
Number 0 Candle $2.19
Birthday Card $2.99
Chicken Wings $6.41
Serrano peppers $0.10
Green Onions $1.19
Lemongrass $0.10
Total $20.75

Health Food Store
Ginger Chews $3.58
Crystallized ginger $3.05
Organic cream cheese $3.55
Total: $10.42

Rite Aid
Command Hooks $3.59
Confectioners Sugar $1.27
Total: $5.15

As you can see there were a lot of unnecessary things in this week's spending. Therefore, from here on out we'll have to be more frugal, do a little pantry and freezer cleaning and see how well we can do. One budget killer is going to be our farm deliveries because we get two Amish and one local this month, and that only happens a few times a year. I have to take advantage of it when I can though! I also want to limit my store trips - this week I kept running out of things/forgetting things/or the store being out of things. I had to go back three times just to get chicken wings! Grrrr.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Setting Goals

I miss racing, so here are the races I am setting my sights on this year:

San Luis Obispo Marathon - April 27
Footloose Freedom Mile - July 4
Quake and Shake Half Marathon - August 10
Nike Women's Marathon - October 20

There are a few others I'm interested in too, but I can't commit. It's going to be hard enough to do two out of town races. In fact, I might not make the SLO Marathon, but I'm sure going to try.

I'm also going to do the Nike Women's Marathon this year. I think I will even fundraise! I have a whole new set of contacts now than what I had a few years ago, so I'm hoping it won't be too stressful.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

And Another Thing

I'm really trying to fix our finances. Hopefully, I can actually keep H on board with it this time.

Aside from my mortgage in our old place of residence and our rent in our current apartment, our only bills are groceries, cable/entertainment, and anything we want to do for fun. I used to try and keep our grocery bill in the $300/month range but now that I'm eating all healthy and shit, that's next to impossible.

So now my goal is $500 a month, it was originally going to be $600 a month but we bought that side of beef. That cost just under $1000 and I'm hoping it will last about 10 months. I'll be spending about $300 a month on pastured meat, eggs, and dairy that my food co-op orders in about every three weeks. The other $200 (only $50 a week :/) will be for fresh fruits and vegetables, spices, etc. This actually is not going to be easy, especially because everything in the middle of nowhere actually costs more than people living in cities might think. I have a feeling that the costs of the food I buy might seem outrageous to many. It will be interesting to hear some feedback. My local store, Vons, can be very pricey unless you follow the sales, sign up for Just For You, and utilize any coupons available. 

I need to start meal planning as well. My current plan is to do beef two nights a week, two nights of chicken (roast a whole chicken one night and then make chicken soup with the bones and leftover meat the next), one night of baked eggs which will be a quick and easy dinner on Saturdays when I work late. That leaves two nights for leftovers, recipes inspired by sale items, parties, or eating out.

For January, my plan is to do a cupboard/freezer clean out, especially to ease me into budgeting again.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Back on Track?

Oh man, the holidays (combined with my obnoxious work schedule during the holidays) got me way off track. I may have gained some poundage. I say "may" only because I haven't stepped on a scale. I stopped doing my coffee enemas, dry brushing, and oil pulling. I stopped taking my supplements. I added grain back into my diet (have you ever done the holidays without bread, cookies, etc.?) I e been imbibing alcoholic beverages. I've been eating sugar.

I'm spending one more glorious day eating whoever I want! Drinking coffee and champagne and eating whatever I want! And then Monday is the start of a new year.

Sometimes I wonder why I care. I started seeing the nutritionist to lose weight and I know I have more learning to do, more work to do, more of all of it to start seeing results. I also have this nagging hope that any of this will help facilitate a miracle. I can't honestly say that I'm doing this for health or weight loss than I am for fertility.

Regardless, here's the plan. It's pretty much what I should have been doing this whole time.

1. Cut out all grain. No more rice or corn, even if I don't think I have reactions. On that note, no more potatoes or sugar for that matter. I'm going back to low carb, at least for a few months.

2. On a similar point, I'm cutting out booze. Yes, I love my wine, and with a social job like I have, cutting it out will be next to impossible, but I will do my best. I guess on that note, I will also be cutting out any fruit juice.

3. Get back on the supplements. The faster I heal, the better.

4. Pick up the detoxing habits again - oil pulling, dry brushing and coffee enemas.

5. Include fermented foods in my diet, including fermented pickles and water kefir.

6. Tracking my food and activity to create a sight deficit. I feel like my metabolism should be repaired by quite a bit at this point, since I have done 5 months of resetting, but I also think I still have an odd relationship with food, without the ability to quit.

7. Start running again. I miss racing, and I want to sign up for some in 2014. It's been far too long.

8. Start a simple body weight exercise routine, even if it's just some planks and squats.

I hope this gets me back on track quickly and without too much effort.

Happy new year everyone!