Tuesday, July 14, 2015

The Lifting Journey Continues

Years ago, I used a website called Bodybuilding.com. I stopped using it right around the time I started trying to get knocked up. With my renewed interest in weight lifting, I found the Bodybuilding.com app and I love it. I love that you can select a program (or enter your own, although I haven't had the motivation to do that yet) and apply it to your calendar, and not only will it tell you what you're doing that day, it also lets you track weight, reps, sets and rest time in between. Seriously! I'm in love. Especially because I'm so enamored with technology.

Another fun thing it gives you is a goal setting application. Now, I ended up setting my own goal based on what I'll be happy with, because the options it gives you are all pretty unrealistic (remember, they are catering to bodybuilders and fitness model types). I don't know that I want to be at 16% body fat because that just seems like so much work and no fun at all. However, it was a good learning experience as to what they think different fat percentages look like on women.

There's another reason I love this app/website. Back in 2008 when I was using it, I happened to enter in some data. Some workouts, some measurements. AND THEY ARE STILL THERE! So, some things I learned because Bodybuilding.com is awesome:

1. I am just as strong/stronger than I was 7 years ago. I know this because my weight/reps/sets are still there, and the app gives you all kinds of awesome stats, including a calculated one-rep maximum. I am lifting more weight now than I was in 2008. YEAH.

2. This is corroborated with an estimated lean body mass that is the same or higher than it was in 2008. Which tells me that I need to lose fat more than I need to gain muscle. Which is easier, I'm told.

So anyway, that's my awesome update! I'm still tracking on My Fitness Pal too. Weight seems stagnant, but keeping my fingers crossed. Over the weekend, I prepped a whole bunch of chicken breasts, sweet potatoes and boiled eggs. Following the Whole30 diet guidelines except for the Whole30 part, if that makes any sense. Basically not limiting my diet to paleo, but trying to stick to veggies, protein and fat for meals, protein and fat pre-workout, and protein and starchy veggies post-workout.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

A Mindset

The biggest tragedy of the last 6 years is that I got caught up on what the scale says. The first time I did Weight Watchers in 2006, I did it on my own so the only one who saw my weigh in was me. At that time, I was working out in a circuit training gym, lifting heavy weights regularly. I know I was in great "shape" but was still heavier than I wanted to be. I eventually plateaued and went off Weight Watchers for a time.

When I went back to Weight Watchers, I opted to do meetings, which meant the additional pressure of weighing in with someone. Plus, I did it with a group at work, so we all compared notes. I felt a lot of pressure to get good weight loss numbers, and I noticed when I lifted weights the day before my weigh in, I wouldn't have lost anything due to water retention in my muscles.

So stupid. I feel so dumb to have dropped weight lifting from my exercise routine.

I haven't had a gym membership in so long, so running was my only exercise really. My muscles, especially my upper body muscles, are weak. So I have decided to ditch the scale. I'm going to eat healthier, and lift lots of weight, hoping muscle mass will help me come to a better place with my body image.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Fat is a four letter word

I'm all for body image. I'm all for loving yourself, no matter what. For other people I mean, because my brain doesn't go that way apparently.

I don't know how to lose weight the right way. I've lost weight, two big pushes to my goal weight a few years ago, and a few slips here and there, but I haven't been this heavy since the first time I joined Weight Watchers. Unfortunately, those last few rounds of weight loss resulted in a major hit to my metabolism.

I feel horrible and huge and unhappy. The clothes I can fit into are minimal, and I don't want to go shopping. I have six weeks before a big event, and I'm starting to feel panicked to see people I haven't seen in a couple years, because I'm big. People I love, and people I hate. Do you understand wanting to look great when seeing people you hate? It's crazy, I know. Why would I care about someone I hate? Why does someone I hate have such an impact on me? One particular person will be there, and I will 1. Feel self conscious if I am significantly bigger than she is and 2. Feel even worse if she is bigger than me because she is pregnant. Stupid, I know.

So I'm down to the wire. I don't want to harm my body or metabolism, but I am also ready for drastic measures. These things don't really go together. I just don't know the best way to do it.

I suppose I should also be doing the bodylove exercises. Looking in the mirror and telling myself that I look fine. I look good? Something like that.

Anyway, I guess I'm going to be shopping around for a "kick-my-ass-until-it-hurts-and-get-in-shape-in-six-weeks" workout plan. Maybe I can get on board with a Whole30 too. Maybe.

Oh crap, have I mentioned my ankle is still hurting?

Sunday, June 21, 2015

All The Feels

Healing is this up and down rollercoaster. As the ride continues, the dips and rolls aren't so strong and certainly further apart, but they often show up unexpected.

This is not news. I've talked about it before. Anyone who's been through it knows it well.

This morning I saw an email in my junk folder about and online summit about Fertility at 40+. Anyone who knows me, knows I've been on this high fat, high cholesterol kick for a couple years now. I eat real butter, full fat dairy, coconut oil, grass fed beef, pastured eggs, and even bacon. I don't stay away from any real food, I just try to stay away from the chemicals. I started this to heal inflammation in my body with the off hope that I might also heal my fertility. With this change, I subscribed to a lot of real food blogs and email lists, and this was one of those email lists. The summit is free, so of course I signed up for it.

But with that small step, in a matter of seconds, my brain went through a whole gamut of emotions and thoughts. Do I still want to get pregnant? Yes, I think I do. Maybe I heal my fertility, but hub's sperm still sucks? Maybe I can get him to watch the webinars too. Ugh, probably not. Why am I getting my hopes up? Should I give up wine? This is a waste of time.

All these thoughts. Ridiculous.

I signed up. I can't lose anything, except maybe my time. Maybe I won't even make the effort to watch the webinars. We'll see.

But it did make me think I need to have a conversation with the husband. He's not been talking lately, we've not been talking. I mean we talk, and we spend time together, but we don't TALK. I have a lot of feels I need to express.

Monday, June 8, 2015

Back In The Saddle Again

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Got my shit together today, and actually made a breakfast, packed a lunch, and tracked my food. Oh yeah!

At this point, the only goal I can focus on is fitting into my clothes. I'm still hobbling around after my mishap in April, and can't run, which really sucks. But, I think I'm going to use this setback to focus on weight training and building strength.

I currently have a gym membership that I purchased mainly to get access to a treadmill while training for my marathon, but I'm thinking of letting it go. I have two months prepaid at this point, so maybe I'll keep it three altogether.

So right now I'm trying to get the motivation to start, but not get discouraged if I'm not perfect. And of course, hope I can make some progress in the next two months because 1. I can't fit into my clothes 2. It's summer 3. I have a convention coming 4. I'm still shocked whenever I see myself in a mirror.

I'm just not sure what program I'll do. I have a FitStar membership. I could follow New Rules of Lifting for Women, I could do Body for Life, I could do a workout from a magazine/website/whatever. I just have to get past analysis paralysis!

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Childless/Childfree: Finding Friends who Understand

I'm currently looking at ways I can use technology to streamline my life and squeeze everything I want to do into the 24 hours a day I actually have.

One of those things is to blog more, another is to plan meals. I am beginning to delve into Evernote, which I never realized could be so helpful in so many ways.

That being said, I was looking at my blog, realizing that while I may have changed the color or the template, I haven't changed the guts of the blog itself in years and years. Specifically, I had a couple very outdated blog rolls. Therefore, I have streamlined and tried to limit my blog roll to those who are at the moment, childless. I am still following all of my lovely friends who don't fall into this category, just not listing them here. Some are not pursuing a child free life, but most have made the decision to go that direction. If you are a childfree (not by choice) blogger who would like to be added, please let me know! If you are on my blogroll, and have had a wonderful miracle, please let me know that as well. One of the hardest things for me when making this decision was finding others who were in the same boat, and I want to make that easier for a person embarking on this journey, feeling alone.

You are not alone.

It is a wonderful life.

<3 p="">

Friday, May 29, 2015


Was amazing. It's funny how a quick mindset adjustment can make all the difference.

I did run errands and do the dishes, but everything else was pure pleasure and happiness. I walked the dogs. I walked myself. I watched movies. I drank booze. I read and knit and listened to books. I met a friend. I slathered myself with coconut oil and delicious smelling sunscreen, soaked up sun and enjoyed the way I smelled. I cuddled with my dogs AND my husband.

Today was good. I'm looking forward to more tomorrow.

Joy and Sorrow

I'm tired of the sorrow, I want to focus on the joy.

I'm a terrible, terrible blogger. I never write, I never... write.

However, I have a lovely summer planned, followed by a gorgeous fall, and a wonderland winter. Why am I not writing about those things? The tragedy of my life is so far in the past. I'm tired of dwelling on it.

So as I begin my day of fun, I bring you a snapshot of my puppy/beast being the good dog I've trained him to be - going crazy on a crew toy rather than any of my possessions.

It is a wonderful life. <3

Friday, April 3, 2015

One More Heartbreak

This post does not mean I have had a change of heart about childfree. I'm still okay with it, generally happy with it, and if I did want to flip flop, I still can. But something happened last year when I was visiting my mom and ive been meaning to blog about it, but honestly, it took me a while to get my thoughts together.

We were at an antique consignment mall, browsing all the stalls, looking for fun and interesting things, when we ran across a stack of photographs. The photographs were mid-century family snapshots. Kids, parents, grandparents, likely aunts and uncles, etc. My mom frowned and I asked her what was wrong.

"How sad that nobody wanted these photos," she said. "Someone's family and there wasn't anyone left to save them." 

Now, there are probably lots of reasons why the photos could have ended up in an antique mall, not just childlessness. Maybe they accidentally were left in a book which was then donated or sold. Maybe they are pictures of an estranged family. Maybe the descendants of the people in the photos just didn't want to keep them? But that hit home.

"Who will keep the photos of our family?" I said.

No, seriously. I'm the end of the line for my mom's family. Her sister had kids, but what a clusterfuck that side of the family is. I wouldn't count on anyone in that family to keep family history or heirlooms. It's something that makes me sad. Just like seeing my mom's sadness at not having grandkids. She never pressured me, but when we confessed we were trying, she was very excited. These are the things that still break my heart a little.

No matter what, having kids is not a guarantee that your family heirlooms and photos are safe, just as having kids is no guarantee that someone will take care of you when you get old.

I guess I'll have to work on being such a bad-ass cool auntie that my friend's kids will want these things to keep and respect.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Thoughts at a Wedding

I'm in another weekend with the hubs, attending a wedding. While I feel rather pudgy and kinda hate how my dress looks on me, I'm still liking this time away.

I do believe last weekend was a breakthrough for me! We saw brother and sister in law, who got married after we had already started trying (hub told EVERYONE at that wedding that we were trying) and have two kids. She gave birth to her second child right about the time I decided not to go through IVF any longer. So, as you can imagine, I'm expecting lots of feelings.

I actually felt okay! Of course it crossed my mind more than once, but overall I was good. More than good - I was still happy! I didn't feel like crying and I wasn't counting the minutes until we could leave. In fact, BIL asked if we wanted to get together for breakfast before the wedding "because we wake up early." I giggled last night as I pulled the blackout shade in our hotel room because we get to sleep in as late as we want. We get to enjoy each other. We get to drink mimosas without worrying about anyone but ourselves. For the first time I don't feel like I'm lying to myself when I focus on these things :)

Now I'm off to see a wedding and drink like I don't care how I look in my dress ;)

Now I need to work on feeling as good about work...

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Love, Wine, and Childfree

I've been slacking on this blog, but what else is new? Work has been kinda shitty with drama, which makes me sad because I left a job I loved to take this one. That's one reason for my silence. I guess I just keep my head down and remember this job is allowing us to pay debt and have good vacations.

But I have had my story featured on Lesley Pyne. Most you know my story, but maybe I get a few new readers out of this.:)

Speaking of good vacations from my job as well as from being childfree, I was able to get out of town this last weekend with my husband and dogs, we had four lovely days in wine country. I tasted a lot of wine, discovered some new favorites, did a lot of good eating and relaxing. This is something we could not easily do with a child in tow. I could not have bought as much wine as I did, or joined the clubs we did if we had a baby as well.

And this weekend we are living it up at a wedding - romantic suite, bottle of wine, and champagne brunch. Once again, who would watch the baby? How would we afford this awesome suite and diapers?

I have always kept adopting in the back of my mind, mostly to soothe my heart when it was hurting, when I see someone's baby grow up into a toddler and then a little person. Or see someone's first ultrasound photo posted on Facebook. I knew it would still be an option for at least a few more years. But I'm coming to peace with being childless forever.

Would I have been thrilled to be a parent? Of course I would. Would I miss wine tasting and long weekends away? Probably not, because we spent so much time focusing on procreation, that we stopped doing these things. Am I now seeing a silver lining? Yes, I have to say that I am. Fate brought me here, so I'm going to enjoy it. I dare someone to tell me that I am being selfish. In a way I am, but it wasn't my choice. It was the cards I was dealt, and now I'm making limoncello out of those damn lemons.

Anyway, if you are childless like me, and want a fresher, more positive outlook, you should add Lesley to your blog reader.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Blogiversary - Seven Years

Seven years ago I started this blog. My goodness, a lot has changed. Am I in a better place? Yes and no. The direction of this blog definitely took some curves... from runner to baby fever to the realization that we were infertile to my struggle and finally acceptance of childfree.

I spent a few minutes reading my first few months of posts. I had no idea that this is where I would end up 8 years later. I can barely remember how I felt back then. Can barely recognize myself. So much progress on some fronts, and so little progress on others.

Here's to the next seven, hoping they bring more peace and happiness my way!

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Mommy Bloggers

In company wide meeting, I had to listen to the marketing department rave about how they hosted a mommy blogger recently and she loved us, because "mommy bloggers have a bigger influence than any other advertising outlet!"

What fresh fucking hell is this?

Mommy bloggers.


In the meantime, bitter, used up childless infertile bloggers only attract other childless bloggers, and of course, being much less common than the 1 in 8 odds we used to be lucky enough to belong to.

Even more than my outrage that mommyhood is a requirement to be a "mommy blogger" is my outrage that mommy bloggers have now infiltrated my workplace.

I'm going to blame my challenged reproductive bits on why I'm not getting free vacations and shit.

Saturday, January 17, 2015


After almost 7 years of trying to conceive, three IVF's and now over three years since my decision to stop perusing treatment, I'm in a good place. 

I'm generally happy. I love my little family with my furbababies. I have great friends. I like where I live. I like my job and my boss. I have enough money and time to have a little fun. I have enough money and time to have a gym membership and exercise.

I can answer questions about being childless. I can talk about our infertility without breaking down. While I'm not out of the infertility closet, I don't hide it or play it off. I can face it head on.

Yet, the pain is still there. Hiding. It's not always there, I'm not hiding it on purpose. I don't even think about it most of the time. This is why most of the time, I feel like I've moved on.

And then once in a while, something brings it to the surface and I'm often shocked at how close the tears have been all along. It's not the normal triggers everyone thinks about. It's not pregnancy announcements or ultrasound pictures or Christmas cards with children or kids at Disneyland. It's silly things like when I read an article about how to teach kids to eat healthy. Why am I reading that article? I think because for a second I forgot about my decision to stop pursuing treatment, and when I remember, the tears come, so easily. More easily than I can even imagine.

I wonder how long it will be before those tears to fade away.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

My Infertility Rant of the Day

My first mistake was reading the comments. NEVER read the comments. But now I have to respond.

One infertile's success does not help or harm another's chances.

I'll say it again.

One infertile's success does not help or harm another's chances.

I was recently in Las Vegas discussing gambling with a lovely friend and her just-as-lovely husband. We were talking about Roulette and the chances of hitting black or red. Even if it has been black 20 times in a row, it doesn't have any effect on the chances of the next spin to be red. Same as flipping a coin. Heads 30 times in a row doesn't change the 50/50 odds that it could be heads again.

What's my point?

My point is that while I can be happy for someone who has gotten pregnant against all odds and/or through reproductive assistance, it doesn't give me hope for myself or anyone else. I also don't think that one person getting pregnant uses up one of the limited chances in the universe away from another.  Also, being happy for someone else does not lessen the grief that I feel for myself.

A pregnant infertile is NOT a "win" for the Infertility Community. Pumping up the miracle side of things can actually hurt the infertility community as it perpetuates the myths, such as relaxing, ceasing to try, continuing to try, hoping hard enough, not giving up, etc. will result in a pregnancy and therefore a baby.

Guess what else? People are allowed to feel any way they do. They should also be allowed to express their feelings, whether you agree or not. Ganging up on someone because they are brave enough to express what they (and probably a lot of others) are feeling. If there is one thing this community should stand for, is sharing these feelings so that the ones without a voice feel supported and not alone.

And yet our community, while standing up for one person can publicly chastise others for expressing these feelings. For feelings they might themselves be having IF they were still in the trenches.

If more of us had just a little empathy, none of this would even be a discussion.


It's like every time I blog about needing to get healthy again, I gain 5 pounds.

I guess I shouldn't be too terribly hard on myself since I am just finishing my period (another fucking period. Fuck.) but still, I haven't done a damn thing about what I put into my mouth.

I think I was afraid to start my Whole30 because I don't want to give up grain and booze, even though I know that's what I need to give up the most. I am also afraid to cut my calories too much, lest I screw up my metabolism. AGAIN.

So I am pledging, from this day forward, to log my food, with a modest deficit.

I will also get back to scheduling my gym time. And of course fitting my runs in.

I said it here, so now I have to, right?