Saturday, January 17, 2015
After almost 7 years of trying to conceive, three IVF's and now over three years since my decision to stop perusing treatment, I'm in a good place.
I'm generally happy. I love my little family with my furbababies. I have great friends. I like where I live. I like my job and my boss. I have enough money and time to have a little fun. I have enough money and time to have a gym membership and exercise.
I can answer questions about being childless. I can talk about our infertility without breaking down. While I'm not out of the infertility closet, I don't hide it or play it off. I can face it head on.
Yet, the pain is still there. Hiding. It's not always there, I'm not hiding it on purpose. I don't even think about it most of the time. This is why most of the time, I feel like I've moved on.
And then once in a while, something brings it to the surface and I'm often shocked at how close the tears have been all along. It's not the normal triggers everyone thinks about. It's not pregnancy announcements or ultrasound pictures or Christmas cards with children or kids at Disneyland. It's silly things like when I read an article about how to teach kids to eat healthy. Why am I reading that article? I think because for a second I forgot about my decision to stop pursuing treatment, and when I remember, the tears come, so easily. More easily than I can even imagine.
I wonder how long it will be before those tears to fade away.