Monday, June 22, 2015

Fat is a four letter word

I'm all for body image. I'm all for loving yourself, no matter what. For other people I mean, because my brain doesn't go that way apparently.

I don't know how to lose weight the right way. I've lost weight, two big pushes to my goal weight a few years ago, and a few slips here and there, but I haven't been this heavy since the first time I joined Weight Watchers. Unfortunately, those last few rounds of weight loss resulted in a major hit to my metabolism.

I feel horrible and huge and unhappy. The clothes I can fit into are minimal, and I don't want to go shopping. I have six weeks before a big event, and I'm starting to feel panicked to see people I haven't seen in a couple years, because I'm big. People I love, and people I hate. Do you understand wanting to look great when seeing people you hate? It's crazy, I know. Why would I care about someone I hate? Why does someone I hate have such an impact on me? One particular person will be there, and I will 1. Feel self conscious if I am significantly bigger than she is and 2. Feel even worse if she is bigger than me because she is pregnant. Stupid, I know.

So I'm down to the wire. I don't want to harm my body or metabolism, but I am also ready for drastic measures. These things don't really go together. I just don't know the best way to do it.

I suppose I should also be doing the bodylove exercises. Looking in the mirror and telling myself that I look fine. I look good? Something like that.

Anyway, I guess I'm going to be shopping around for a "kick-my-ass-until-it-hurts-and-get-in-shape-in-six-weeks" workout plan. Maybe I can get on board with a Whole30 too. Maybe.

Oh crap, have I mentioned my ankle is still hurting?

Sunday, June 21, 2015

All The Feels

Healing is this up and down rollercoaster. As the ride continues, the dips and rolls aren't so strong and certainly further apart, but they often show up unexpected.

This is not news. I've talked about it before. Anyone who's been through it knows it well.

This morning I saw an email in my junk folder about and online summit about Fertility at 40+. Anyone who knows me, knows I've been on this high fat, high cholesterol kick for a couple years now. I eat real butter, full fat dairy, coconut oil, grass fed beef, pastured eggs, and even bacon. I don't stay away from any real food, I just try to stay away from the chemicals. I started this to heal inflammation in my body with the off hope that I might also heal my fertility. With this change, I subscribed to a lot of real food blogs and email lists, and this was one of those email lists. The summit is free, so of course I signed up for it.

But with that small step, in a matter of seconds, my brain went through a whole gamut of emotions and thoughts. Do I still want to get pregnant? Yes, I think I do. Maybe I heal my fertility, but hub's sperm still sucks? Maybe I can get him to watch the webinars too. Ugh, probably not. Why am I getting my hopes up? Should I give up wine? This is a waste of time.

All these thoughts. Ridiculous.

I signed up. I can't lose anything, except maybe my time. Maybe I won't even make the effort to watch the webinars. We'll see.

But it did make me think I need to have a conversation with the husband. He's not been talking lately, we've not been talking. I mean we talk, and we spend time together, but we don't TALK. I have a lot of feels I need to express.

Monday, June 8, 2015

Back In The Saddle Again

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at

Got my shit together today, and actually made a breakfast, packed a lunch, and tracked my food. Oh yeah!

At this point, the only goal I can focus on is fitting into my clothes. I'm still hobbling around after my mishap in April, and can't run, which really sucks. But, I think I'm going to use this setback to focus on weight training and building strength.

I currently have a gym membership that I purchased mainly to get access to a treadmill while training for my marathon, but I'm thinking of letting it go. I have two months prepaid at this point, so maybe I'll keep it three altogether.

So right now I'm trying to get the motivation to start, but not get discouraged if I'm not perfect. And of course, hope I can make some progress in the next two months because 1. I can't fit into my clothes 2. It's summer 3. I have a convention coming 4. I'm still shocked whenever I see myself in a mirror.

I'm just not sure what program I'll do. I have a FitStar membership. I could follow New Rules of Lifting for Women, I could do Body for Life, I could do a workout from a magazine/website/whatever. I just have to get past analysis paralysis!

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Childless/Childfree: Finding Friends who Understand

I'm currently looking at ways I can use technology to streamline my life and squeeze everything I want to do into the 24 hours a day I actually have.

One of those things is to blog more, another is to plan meals. I am beginning to delve into Evernote, which I never realized could be so helpful in so many ways.

That being said, I was looking at my blog, realizing that while I may have changed the color or the template, I haven't changed the guts of the blog itself in years and years. Specifically, I had a couple very outdated blog rolls. Therefore, I have streamlined and tried to limit my blog roll to those who are at the moment, childless. I am still following all of my lovely friends who don't fall into this category, just not listing them here. Some are not pursuing a child free life, but most have made the decision to go that direction. If you are a childfree (not by choice) blogger who would like to be added, please let me know! If you are on my blogroll, and have had a wonderful miracle, please let me know that as well. One of the hardest things for me when making this decision was finding others who were in the same boat, and I want to make that easier for a person embarking on this journey, feeling alone.

You are not alone.

It is a wonderful life.

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