Monday, June 22, 2015

Fat is a four letter word

I'm all for body image. I'm all for loving yourself, no matter what. For other people I mean, because my brain doesn't go that way apparently.

I don't know how to lose weight the right way. I've lost weight, two big pushes to my goal weight a few years ago, and a few slips here and there, but I haven't been this heavy since the first time I joined Weight Watchers. Unfortunately, those last few rounds of weight loss resulted in a major hit to my metabolism.

I feel horrible and huge and unhappy. The clothes I can fit into are minimal, and I don't want to go shopping. I have six weeks before a big event, and I'm starting to feel panicked to see people I haven't seen in a couple years, because I'm big. People I love, and people I hate. Do you understand wanting to look great when seeing people you hate? It's crazy, I know. Why would I care about someone I hate? Why does someone I hate have such an impact on me? One particular person will be there, and I will 1. Feel self conscious if I am significantly bigger than she is and 2. Feel even worse if she is bigger than me because she is pregnant. Stupid, I know.

So I'm down to the wire. I don't want to harm my body or metabolism, but I am also ready for drastic measures. These things don't really go together. I just don't know the best way to do it.

I suppose I should also be doing the bodylove exercises. Looking in the mirror and telling myself that I look fine. I look good? Something like that.

Anyway, I guess I'm going to be shopping around for a "kick-my-ass-until-it-hurts-and-get-in-shape-in-six-weeks" workout plan. Maybe I can get on board with a Whole30 too. Maybe.

Oh crap, have I mentioned my ankle is still hurting?


  1. Ugh. Fat is my least favorite "F word"! I suck at losing weight too.

    And I completely understand wanting to look awesome when around people you hate! It shouldn't matter, but it does.....

  2. When we're around people we love, we hope they know us and don't judge us just for the way we look. We feel safer. Not so around people we hate. I can so relate to this. All of it.

    I guess all I can say is that my body is not me. I may not like my shape at the moment, but I like who I am, what I'm doing (well, most of it), how I treat people. Who I am is so much more than my body - whether it's because my body couldn't have children, or because I'm not slim. I'm not defined by my body's failures. (Now, if only I could convince myself of that.)

  3. Maybe instead of reaching an ideal weight loss goal, the first thing to do is to arrange an eating diet and exercise schedule that you can maintain for the rest of your life? I know it's easier said than done, though. Sorry to hear about the ankle, though. That needs to be taken care of before any exercise can happen.

    Love what Mali said.

  4. I came across your blog and just wanted to say Hi! My story is so similar to yours it's unreal, even down to still paying debt for IVFs and job layoffs and moving and some other things :) No kidding, no one is truly alone on this Earth. I'm also trying to take care of myself lately, loose weight and become healthier. Have you tried the Fast Metabolism Diet? The author claims that it repairs the metabolism and she may be on to something. It's the second diet in my life (the first one was when I was 20) and it helped me to withdraw from sugars and wheat. I also lost 8lb (which is a lot for me) and still didn't gain anything back 3 months later.


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