Thursday, January 22, 2015

Mommy Bloggers

In company wide meeting, I had to listen to the marketing department rave about how they hosted a mommy blogger recently and she loved us, because "mommy bloggers have a bigger influence than any other advertising outlet!"

What fresh fucking hell is this?

Mommy bloggers.

MOMMY BLOGGERS.

In the meantime, bitter, used up childless infertile bloggers only attract other childless bloggers, and of course, being much less common than the 1 in 8 odds we used to be lucky enough to belong to.

Even more than my outrage that mommyhood is a requirement to be a "mommy blogger" is my outrage that mommy bloggers have now infiltrated my workplace.

I'm going to blame my challenged reproductive bits on why I'm not getting free vacations and shit.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Normal

After almost 7 years of trying to conceive, three IVF's and now over three years since my decision to stop perusing treatment, I'm in a good place. 

I'm generally happy. I love my little family with my furbababies. I have great friends. I like where I live. I like my job and my boss. I have enough money and time to have a little fun. I have enough money and time to have a gym membership and exercise.

I can answer questions about being childless. I can talk about our infertility without breaking down. While I'm not out of the infertility closet, I don't hide it or play it off. I can face it head on.

Yet, the pain is still there. Hiding. It's not always there, I'm not hiding it on purpose. I don't even think about it most of the time. This is why most of the time, I feel like I've moved on.

And then once in a while, something brings it to the surface and I'm often shocked at how close the tears have been all along. It's not the normal triggers everyone thinks about. It's not pregnancy announcements or ultrasound pictures or Christmas cards with children or kids at Disneyland. It's silly things like when I read an article about how to teach kids to eat healthy. Why am I reading that article? I think because for a second I forgot about my decision to stop pursuing treatment, and when I remember, the tears come, so easily. More easily than I can even imagine.

I wonder how long it will be before those tears to fade away.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

My Infertility Rant of the Day

My first mistake was reading the comments. NEVER read the comments. But now I have to respond.

One infertile's success does not help or harm another's chances.

I'll say it again.

One infertile's success does not help or harm another's chances.

I was recently in Las Vegas discussing gambling with a lovely friend and her just-as-lovely husband. We were talking about Roulette and the chances of hitting black or red. Even if it has been black 20 times in a row, it doesn't have any effect on the chances of the next spin to be red. Same as flipping a coin. Heads 30 times in a row doesn't change the 50/50 odds that it could be heads again.

What's my point?

My point is that while I can be happy for someone who has gotten pregnant against all odds and/or through reproductive assistance, it doesn't give me hope for myself or anyone else. I also don't think that one person getting pregnant uses up one of the limited chances in the universe away from another.  Also, being happy for someone else does not lessen the grief that I feel for myself.

A pregnant infertile is NOT a "win" for the Infertility Community. Pumping up the miracle side of things can actually hurt the infertility community as it perpetuates the myths, such as relaxing, ceasing to try, continuing to try, hoping hard enough, not giving up, etc. will result in a pregnancy and therefore a baby.

Guess what else? People are allowed to feel any way they do. They should also be allowed to express their feelings, whether you agree or not. Ganging up on someone because they are brave enough to express what they (and probably a lot of others) are feeling. If there is one thing this community should stand for, is sharing these feelings so that the ones without a voice feel supported and not alone.

And yet our community, while standing up for one person can publicly chastise others for expressing these feelings. For feelings they might themselves be having IF they were still in the trenches.

If more of us had just a little empathy, none of this would even be a discussion.

Today

It's like every time I blog about needing to get healthy again, I gain 5 pounds.

I guess I shouldn't be too terribly hard on myself since I am just finishing my period (another fucking period. Fuck.) but still, I haven't done a damn thing about what I put into my mouth.

I think I was afraid to start my Whole30 because I don't want to give up grain and booze, even though I know that's what I need to give up the most. I am also afraid to cut my calories too much, lest I screw up my metabolism. AGAIN.

So I am pledging, from this day forward, to log my food, with a modest deficit.

I will also get back to scheduling my gym time. And of course fitting my runs in.

I said it here, so now I have to, right?